Late night rambling #7

It doesn't feel fair. That I encounter so much depression when I'm so fortunate. There are so many things that I have or am, that others envy and/or desire so deeply. There are probably people that would like to be like me. And I have everything that I could need: a functioning family, a house to live in, a car to drive, a best friend, a boyfriend, some good friends, a stable part-time job, an enrollment in a university. It's not that it's all meaningless; it's not that I'm ungrateful. Yet these negative emotions can't be driven away. It can't really be explained. And it doesn't feel right.



Possibly I'm extra emotional lately because as of today, summer has ended. >< School started for me last week. I'm going to continue working through school again. Boyfriend moved today to San Francisco for school, which is an hour away. Best friend is moving 7 hours away soon. Hangouts with friends will slowly diminish. Back to being even more busy and even more tired. Changes abound. Loneliness and hardship approaching. The end of a great summer, door slammed shut. Doors opening leading not to opportunity and new adventures but to dread, dread, and more dread. Not to mention stress, anxiety, social interaction, confusion over the future. Fucking school. Fuck school. I actually smiled a lot this summer and started going out of the house a lot and tried more to socialize and I opened up a lot and found myself being more bold yet easygoing and being more comfortable as myself and I even opened up to romance. I hate seeing things end. I'm jealous of those not with nice clothes and fancy cars, but of those who only see the doors opening before them, with optimism and excitement, who gape at new opportunities found and to be caught, of new beginnings and adventures, of new joys to be appreciated--those able to make meaning in life.