✨33✨

On this day, I'm officially 33 — isn't that crazy?!
Fun fact: since I was born in the year '93, three is actually my favorite number! I've always liked how it's an odd number yet it makes everything complete: the best things come in trios. 

So with certain logic, 33 is either twice or eleven times as good of a number, right? 🙂↕️✨

Each year since I turned 15, I've taken a mirror selfie with this 'Birthday Girl' shirt as an annual tradition chronicling my growth and visual changes.

Except.... last year....... I missed a year for the first time. I'm really disappointed in myself. >_< For this occasion I wanted to make sure this blog was ready in advance for my actual birthday and not late like most recent years.

Having skipped my thoughts on turning 32, let's talk about 33... Once again I'm glad that I live in the generation that I do — I really feel it personally and see all around me that "30's is the new 20's." It's almost like society has been changing to meet me in the middle, yippee!

I realized that I practically had a do-over of my personality in my twenties, and I'm still trying to "grow into my skin" of the person that I want to be. Lots of improvements to still be made, like learning to be less socially awkward and figuring out how to comfortably convey my playful sides rather than retreating into the quiet sardonicism that many are used to, yet while not being too obnoxious. Personality is hard!

Being so empowered to do all sorts of cool things makes me feel lucky. I love that I'm part of hobby communities wherein age doesn't make a difference and people from all sorts of walks can get along — both the youtaite/singing community and the Grand Archive card game community.

It's a pretty cool life I live, being able to stay active in various hobbies; and creative ones at that, where I work with a lot of my favorite people and can keep learning new endeavors. This year I've accomplished a good amount of things I'm proud of! It's not lost on me that compared to many my age who are birthing kids, raising kids, spearheading families, I've the privilege of much more freedom. And yet I still don't feel there's enough time in the world to properly engage and improve in my hobbies and skillsets as much as I'd like... I wonder if I'll ever be able to give that up. 😅 

One thing that's been tough is watching the older people around me become even older and more frail. Dynamics are shifting from me being the relier to the one being relied upon, and I need to prepare more for this soon-to-be crushing reality.

As for my goals this year! I'm currently in a self-assigned "Rehab Mode."

Over the past year my health took a big shit on my life, then combined with running around busy nonstop, feeling a lot of pressure, suffering from my own ambition as well, work burnout, emotional burnout, anger & despair over world events on the daily, the inability to relax, worrying every day that my mortal shell might give in or that I might not wake up when I go to sleep, blah blah blah blah...... I found myself at a turning point last month. 

I can't live like that anymore... Some days I felt like I was sleepwalking. But at the very least as I was faced with my own thoughts on death, I felt I would prefer to be alive and continue doing the things I'm doing so that's a positive thing!

2024

On most years, I follow my annual blog traditions: a birthday post wearing the same green shirt I've taken a mirror selfie in for over half of my life, review at the end of the year, 100 resolutions for the next one... Every cool project, every milestone, the thoughts that I feel are important to my journey, usually I capture all of that here.

Soooooo hi — oops — I disappeared from this blog for a year and a half. I guess we're catching up on everything at once!

Starting with my annual birthday mirror selfie: I turned 31 all the way back in May!

I think it's very funny how freaked out I was last year upon turning 30.

Once you make it over the hump, it's not nearly such a huge ordeal anymore. Many of my worries that I'd start to feel oppressed and guilted over my self expression, personality, tastes, wardrobe, certain lacking of ability — I don't even have time to worry about these days. I just express myself however the fuck I feel like, with however much cringe I want and the people around me reciprocate :-D

There's definitely fortunate timing involved though that I'm benefitting from! Have you noticed recently there seems to be a universal shift in what's considered young or old, and what the expectations are for each age group? So many people feel empowered to rediscover themselves in their 30's that they're no longer always expected to have everything figured out. Meanwhile the 20's are given more space to make mistakes, and the teens are finally recognized for how young and vulnerable they are.

Still... I try not to mention that I'm 31 years old if I can help it..... but hey, I'm proud that it's no longer a complete skeleton in the closet.

-

Over the past year I've thought a lot about my blog disappearance; it's a somewhat telling reflection on what kind of year I've had, I think. So many times I wondered what I'd say when I write here again and I never fully molded that answer until now...

In short: I think this year I've been overly busy in a negative way. I had been pushing myself too hard and am now facing the consequences. Really it feels like I can recall February earlier this year... then I blinked and suddenly it was December and I was still holding my breath; now finally I can breathe but need to relearn how. Health was awful this year starting with my first COVID experience in February (avoided it for four years though!), a lingering cough til June that was so intense it sprained my ribs, two trips to Urgent Care, heart issues relapsing, and overall having lower energy than ever before — but I've been making some healthier progress over the past couple weeks!

A major change this year is that responsibility increased in multiple aspects of my life and work. I'm constantly feeling like I carry a lot on my shoulders, the fates of others laying in my hands, and it's made even the simple things harder to handle... Sometimes it's a little paralyzing. ;; There's a lot I can't talk about publicly so another reason I haven't been blogging as much.

From this year of retrospection I realized I'd been actually afraid to write a blog again and be forced to confront why I stopped updating, because this is a place where I come to bare myself in all honesty. But I'd been running so hard I've been scared to ask myself things like... How am I doing? What can I say regarding how my life has been? Am I happy?

This question has been on my mind for weeks now because I told myself I was locking in on writing a year-end blog post. 😆

So I think this is my answer: Many days I did find myself feeling unhappy or having unhappy experiences, or struggling to do everything I needed to do. However there are many beautiful things in my life and countless things I'm happy I did that I can be more grateful about, I've been blessed with (or earned) extraordinary opportunities as well as recognition and love from those around me, the few people who don't deserve my time will no longer be granted it, and if things come crashing down I should be more confident that it can be figured out and moved on from. And ultimately I am mostly happy with the person I currently am — and that alone is a win!

Up next... resolutions and wishes for 2025. ✨

On turning 30

To continue my yearly tradition (ongoing for 16 years!) of taking a mirror selfie wearing this shirt:

The twintails are a statement. 😈

Ya girl turned 30 years old last month!!!! Wao.

I hate it. Two months ago I genuinely considered never letting this number leave my lips or fingertips, barely mentioning my birthday and letting my age become vague this year... But I also hate that I thought of doing that. In the end, this is a page of my book so I'd like to archive it and talk about my aging worries honestly in a world where a lot of people prefer not to (almost including me lol).

I've been determined not to change anything, unless it comes naturally or responsibilities leave no choice. I won't become a different person just to fit the mold of society's expectations for a 30 year old adult woman. In fact, I'm gonna try to lean in harder to become comfortable with all those aspects of Me that may not be a model 30 year old!

But even if I try to stay unshakable, I hate that people's expectations and connotations will change nevertheless... The judgmental things I hear will only get worse. The nagging will only gain more ammo. My excuses for my incompetences will be gone. 😞

It kills me that I'm always expected to be a presentable working professional despite my awkward social and verbal skills; it's embarrassing how little common sense I have in many basic areas and lack of life experience, no interest in cooking, all my cowardice and little confidence in most things I do — it was always my youth I'd shield myself with as an excuse... so now I'll just feel like a deadass loser at times I guess!

I've got childish tastes; I just have to accept that. Thinking that there might one day be a version of myself that outgrows Water Pixie makes me sad... Let me be cringe. Who the fuck actually cares!

And I really don't want to hear: "Aren't you too old to be wearing that?" Fashion is hard. Self expression is hard. It's not fair that we're somewhat expected only in our teens and twenties to wear fun styles, be vibrant, be a little unordinary, unpolished, be cute and expressive... In our teens and twenties, we may not have the financial freedom or confidence to find our style ;; In my self consciousness, I literally purposely dressed plainly in my teens to avoid standing out — so I'm in that period now where I want to take joy in exploring different styles! Dress cutely sometimes, dress cool sometimes, embrace my inner Wednesday Addams sometimes! Only last year did I just start getting interested in pastel colors! I want to become okay with sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes!

All of us should be free to live at our own pace. As a lifelong late-bloomer, there's a lot I haven't experienced yet and that's alright! Never have I had real dreams, nor the optimism for longterm goals and I wish that were okay too. Any timeline for life milestones is fake and I hate all this unnecessary pressure over such an inconsequential construct. Every day is just a block of time in which we experience each day's emotions and celebrate our little accomplishments, try to secure our happiness and survival for the next day, for the next week. I don't know why this suddenly went existential and idk if it's related anymore. 😆

Anyway if you ever look at me and try to tell yourself, "Whoa that's a 30 year old adult woman" — WRONG!!! I'm just an Eva out here doing her best to not implode under a splatter of pressures.

Milestone years! 15 ⇒ 20 ⇒ 25 ⇒ 30

2023 New Year's Resolutions

Hello!! Welcome again to the new year! Ignore that it's February!!

For a long time it's been my personal tradition to conjure up with 100 "New Year's Resolutions" ranging from serious goals, things I'd like to work on, faraway ambitions, to silly castaway thoughts—then do a full retrospect on how I fared. It's interesting looking back at my different priorities each year and what I'm most proud of accomplishing!

Not much to review this time since I decided to skip resolutions at the beginning of 2022:

"There's too much uncertainty about whether/when my throat will recover and the other health things preventing me from working on projects or my skills much—I've been set back so much that I don't want to think too hard about distant goals. This year I really just need to take care of myself by staying disciplined and extremely careful about my lifestyle, appreciate the small things in life, and keep my pessimism in check believe that everything will get better soon!"

I think 2022 for me could be called a "good year" in that nothing majorly bad happened, progress was made, challenges conquered, I grew as a person, created and nurtured a lot of great things, made some new friends, my loved ones are well, and I'm grateful for that. It was also a rather dark year that challenged my patience and was spent thinking a lot about my own health and mortality... This year had so many ailments one after another. Plus grasping at copium as my best friend moved to another country haha.

For the most part I succeeded in my goals of focusing on my health, discipline, making some recovery (albeit not enough), taking many hard looks at what's happening, the potential reasons behind them, how to improve things, what next steps could be made.

Sadly it was also a year of constantly compromising: all of my hobbies, things I enjoy, food, motivation, comfort, freedom, companionship, my time, energy, mental strength, one branch of health in exchange for another. Probably brings home the prize of The Most Frustrating Year I've lived thus far. 😂

Going into 2023, it seems it'll rather be a year of Exploring Solutions—my situation is no longer as uncertain and my goals are much more defined. I have a pretty good idea of what I need to do, which is promising! But unfortunately all serious things which probably will make for a dreary and boring post, sorry lmao.

We shall see if I make it to a hundred or give up early, here we go... ✌️

Bold for especially big ones for me this year.

Quick thoughts... (+ bass !?)

 ...because these days I feel like that's all I have the energy for. TT

Lately I feel more than ever like I can only handle things in bite sizes. So many things I want to do or need to finish that feel overwhelming... Things that have been on the backburner that are difficult to bring myself to work on—when will those ever be done? It's going to take so much time. And as they're "bigger" projects I feel more pressure to make them up to...some kind of standard.

I wonder why this is significantly more of a struggle for me now than before.

Perhaps an unhealthy need for instant gratification I've developed? Reduced attention span and ability to focus for long periods required to make a satisfying amount of progress? My creativity running dry fast and in bursts and not wanting to waste that inspiration? Too many interests, thoughts, and ideas I want to move on quickly to?

Always feeling like I have to deliver to a high standard? Not that I really deliver but I definitely feel the burden and paranoia of those expectations... Even for small things, I'm still expending a lot of time overthinking, reviewing, redoing, feeling pressure, feeling guilt... I can't just do things once or halfheartedly and call them done—but it's more handleable in bite size!

Definitely could also be having less time to spend to work on hobbies as well as having multiple interests... There are sometimes periods where I have little free time, but that's not true right now. But even with my time, I think that now more than ever there's more things to spend it on? Dividing my time between a lot of different desires or needs, and especially now with prioritizing exercise for my health.

Actually, it's ironic because I certainly feel frustrated at how many singing projects I'm in that are still stuck in the pipeline unreleased (though to be clear: this post isn't just about singing projects) and part of it probably is wanting to experience that dopamine of finishing things or putting them out for the world to see—releasing small projects has been super fun! The irony is that I myself in my state of overwhelm am taking forever to finish my part on certain big singing projects... One that I'm mixing, one that I'm animating... Giving those up and commissioning someone else I've contemplated yet I don't want to let go ;; Although I may have bitten off more than I can chew, they're both things I greedily want to get better at and should practice! (Both of those projects are still missing other components so I'm not the only bottleneck but it absolutely weighs heavily on me nevertheless...........)

-

Oops so much for quick thoughts LOL this turned into a much longer post than expected! Irony.

Recently with me considering if I need to find a hobby that doesn't contribute to my eye strain (which I always have thanks to my job) one idea was learning to play bass guitar which I'd wanted to do back in high school? Absolutely inspired by K-On! and the most iconic anime bassist Akiyama Mio. 👑 Then this idea was enforced from watching Bocchi the Rock! last season and encouragement from Fome and other friends who either also play instruments or just started learning themselves.

So as part of the noodling process I went to look at basses at a store, learned about the different models, held one for the first time, tried out what it would feel like to hold down and pluck the strings.........

of course picked out the one most similar to Mio's hehe

I'm not sure! I think a dealbreaker for me is finding an instrument that I'll want to spend time with—that suits my specific visual preferences and physically feels comfy. But also don't want to spend too much money and I like the idea of owning secondhand (more eco friendly as well!) which would even further limit my choices lol.

And of course, I just don't think I'll be very good at it, being musically and rhythmically more challenged than you'd expect for someone who enjoys singing. Struggling is not fun. 🫠 Who's to say whether I'll end up finding instrument practice to be a cause of stress or a relaxing pastime as intended?

But the part that's relevant to this post is that...I don't know if I can justify starting a whole new hobby when I feel like I still have so much to finish or should do to get closer to my goals. ;; I'm going to keep thinking, well, if I have time to practice the bass then I probably have time to do any of the 8451854 things demanding my attention!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So stupid but even for posting this inconsequential rambling I was like, "Screw it I'm just going to publish without proofreading!!" but still couldn't resist temptation and went back and rewrote a few things because I used too many em-dashes and it was bothering me. lol perfectionist insanity

Light and Shadow

Constantly giving the update of "I've been busy" but I seriously mean it for this year's entire autumn season lolol. Lots of traveling—business trips to Austin and Washington DC.... Chicago was a personal trip but due to deadlines I made the mistake of not fully taking the week off (never again) which resulted in working late nights after spending the day with fome's parents..... Next week is Anime Expo Chibi down near LA where I'll be reprising what I did at AX earlier this year—supporting musical guest performers and photography! And somehow I'm going to be challenging taking photos at a wedding for the first time later this month...

This week alone has been insane too lol. What the heck.

• Monday - worked til 6 AM to finish draft of video to send to client (thankfully still slept 5 hours instead of pulling an all-nighter like last time)
• Tuesday - finalized video, it plays at the awards ceremony, lots of great feedback!! 🌟 sometime during this evening, a nasty bug bites my ankle :/
• Wednesday - flying home from DC ✈️ during the flight my ankle swells up to a balloon.... blisters develop.... it hurts so much I limp off the plane.
• Thursday - it's my recovery day from the big biz trip but parents wake me up early to go to urgent care, am prescribed medications
• Friday - meds make my ankle tolerable enough that I still went to our San Francisco stop of BAR Con's Light and Shadow Tour where I helped sell artist merch and took photos! 📸 with some fucked up luck, our tire went flat so after waiting for roadside assistance and slowly crawling along the highway on a dinky spare, didn't get home til nearly 5 AM.
• Saturday - i stopped existing literally just sleep and ded on the couch
• Sunday - ...that's today!

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Before leaving for DC, I also worked on this little promo video for the tour~
Isiliel's reaction to it was so precious I died and went to heaven. 😭😭😭😭

#moonbowgathering#californiadreamin
Thank you everyone who made it to Northwest Idolfest to kick off the Light and Shadow Tour 2022! Next stop is BAR Con Carnival Phantasm 2, on Sunday, October 30! pic.twitter.com/RnKGmnBvrk

— BAR CON (@boozeanimerock) October 25, 2022

Anyway, for this post I just wanted to compile some of the photos I took at the SF show. It was fun, all the performers were fantastic, and I'm happy that I'll be supporting them next week at AX Chibi as well!

Anime Expo 2022 📸✨

{ Currently listening to: "Stay This Way" by fromis_9 🎶 }

Things been crazy again lolololol.

Despite attending Anime Expo every year since 2012—HOLY IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS ? ! barring the two years it was virtual..... This year I hadn't planned on it until a month beforehand because the team I work with for BAR Con was either managing, representing, or collaborating with a bunch of music performers and we just needed more personnel on-site. It was thanks to volunteering at Fanime, having a great time with the team, meeting cool performers, and having so much fun taking photos that solidified my decision and I'm glad I went ;u; Hindsight certainly says I would've regretted not going.

The thing to regret though... most of my friends caught COVID. 💀 It's hard to pinpoint how and when. Miraculously considering I shared a room with someone who's been bedridden this past week, my body seems to have managed to fend it off entirely..? Shout out to my 2nd booster vaccine that I was able to get by citing mild immunodeficiency from my lung risk—you a real one. 🙏

It was definitely a different experience; Anime Expo in the past always felt like a bonding camp where I'd squish into a hotel room with too many friends and we'd just chill together, I cosplayed pretty much every year, and we'd leave at the end feeling like a little family with the stupidest inside jokes. It was the central place where we could meet our youtitty friends from all over the world and I helped out with organizing the AX Youtaite Meetup, sometimes vlogged, one year we even filmed Youtaite React. Heartwarming, bursting with friendship and things that became wild stories, mostly wholesome. Many of my favorite memories are of AX!

This year most of my typical friends hadn't planned on going... until just like me: many ended up there for staffing, boothing, or networking/work-related purposes. Pandemic isn't a good time for sardine-mode hotel room so we did our separate things. Very interesting that we've spent enough years attending the con and gaining experience/rank that we now stand on the other side of the velvet rope—my friends have become so powerful hahaha.

XXIX

Continuing into my 15th year !!! doing my personal "birthday" tradition of taking a mirror selfie with this shirt—and also as per tradition, it's late, seeing how my birthday was last month.

Gosh I really do not want to think about the fact that I'm 29 now LOL... It's too close to thirty, I can't do this. Not to propagate the ugly myth that one's life ends after your twenties but there are certain societal expectations that kick in; and I just personally don't check off the boxes in many departments such as life skills, aesthetics, independence, interests... There's so many things I can't do for myself and also don't necessarily care about nor have the energy for. I'm currently not interested in moving forward to any other "stage" in life. In general, my taste particularly leans more childish and less sophisticated, and I'm a late bloomer who only recently started to express things more so I wish to keep exploring that without probable judgment. Still don't feel like I'm even completely out of my shell or have shedded my social awkwardness yet. And I keep making more friends in their early-to-mid twenties and just do not want my age to ever be perceived again... 😣 I genuinely hate that I always feel so embarrassed of who I am (and pity my parents) for a stupid reason like not fitting societal norms even though I'm overall a hardworking, fairly responsible person and doing little harm. I could simply not care.

Funnily enough, I just revisited my post Twenty-eight from last year and not only did I use the exact same vocabulary, but also made a 180 degree swerve in mentality lmao. I'm weak now. It was easier to say all that at 28 than...y'know, that age that I am now. But those words do give me a bit more courage!

How quickly do things turn from "I don't need to check off requirements in order to feel worthy of my stage in life" to "I hate that I loathe myself because others will perceive me as unworthy."

I'm also not ready to watch my family grow old, or for things I've always known as sturdy to erode. I'm not ready to become the strong one, or to be fully confident in myself and everything I represent. I don't desire anything in my situation to change. Aging is terrifying and there's so little of adulthood that I want anything to do with...

Somehow this post went in an extremely grim direction, I'm so sorry LOL.

Like I said last year, right? In the end most of this stuff doesn't signify much. I'm really glad that I wrote that. ;u; Let's just do our best and be whoever we want to be in the precious time that we have.

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New in my style this year!!!

• I've committed to training my bangs to fall downwards so it's front bangs all the time now ✨
  
  
• Bought rings and started wearing 'em! My new favorite low-effort-high-visual-upgrade hack.
  
  
• Now almost exclusively wearing high-waisted pants and skirts 👌 (+ getting more into crop tops!)
  
  
• I won a Fitbit in the staff raffle from volunteering for Fanime :D!! I'd never owned one or a smartwatch before, so this was legitimately lifechanging and motivates me to try to exercise nearly every day. It is now a permanent attachment to this human body.

📸🎶

Um it was just March, I blinked, and now it's June...? Huh.......?
Thankfully life did manage to slow down a bit during April, but oh sweet baby jesus lordy—the entirety of May was a month-long nonstop sprint. Just running and running, kept going and going and going.

My month of May was characterized by... spraining my ankle, helping fome move to a new apartment, big work projects, 9 day long stressful but amazing business trip with lots of walking on injured ankle, a national tragedy, and then I ended it with a bang by helping volunteer for Fanime our local anime con.

Specifically it's because I have lots of friends involved with either running or performing for the Dance so I signed on to help with A/V and thought I'd try my hand at taking some photos as well!

Honestly I had dreaded this weekend, not for any external reasons other than that I knew I'd be exhausted. 😔 Going from preexisting exhaustion to a highly exhaustive, physically demanding gig with extremely long hours and high social pressure aaah. I wasn't wrong with these predictions; it felt like I was pushing myself to my limits and somewhere in the middle I even cried from fatigue......

(staff vest bright pink,,)

But what I didn't predict was that. I would.. end up.. feeling pretty happy about the entire experience? Despite the lows, it felt... fulfilling? What I'm left with is only.... glowing feelings? Is it Stockholm Syndrome?

This weekend I met a lot of cool people and made new friends—and I didn't expect that that would put me into such a state of giddiness. 🥺 I'm not necessarily the type of person to actively seek out new friends but how can I not be excited about having met and spent time with folks that I got along with well?! And the little community that formed out of all of us working on this event together and supporting each other warms my heart. Attending the shows was fun too since the performers gave tons of energy, bombass remixes, and it's awe-inspiring to see a huge room of people get hyped over their favorite anisong hits haha.

Admittedly I also have to mention that it feels amazing to see people using the photos that I took. Feels like validation that they liked my amateur photos and just being someone who's considered useful/helpful to others is what I live for. It's extra gratifying since taking photos was purely my idea, nobody asked me to do it, yet it ended up becoming something somewhat significant; I feel honored to have been able to contribute like that and help some of the performers be able to immortalize their experience from what sounds like was a meaningful stage for many of them 😭

Plus, I'm not a real photographer so every compliment I've received on my work has meant a whole lot!! There were certainly ups and downs in my photography—especially at the end of each night when I was most tired, the quality suffered—but I want to think that overall I can feel proud of myself. ;u; This may have been my first time experimenting with angles like this too!

Anyway I just wanted to share some of my favorite shots that I managed to take~ I'm not including every artist and it certainly doesn't reflect at all on my opinion on any of them or their incredible performances. 🙏 This is essentially from a photography standpoint.

Regrettably there were four nights of shows, from 6 PM til 2 AM, so unfortunately I just couldn't make it around to capture photos for every performer... And like I said, my work was really inconsistent—most of the shots came out poorly because of the dark room, ever-changing lights and haze, constant movements, my fatigue, sore arms, having to borrow fome's camera for one of the days and being unfamiliar with it, and not having fast enough shutter speed. These are the shots where luck aligned somehow!

...March

March 8th:
Huhu again long time no blog; I've been busy but with enough free time to spend enjoying playing games and being with friends. ^^

Writing this—and the next post—as I'm on a plane to my first business trip since the pandemic! ✈️

After two years of the STEM youth events being virtual, finally we can go back to working with DSLR footage and not crappy webcams via Zoom... As a video editor I'm so tired of boxes hahaha. 🙏 It'll be mighty interesting with how strict the COVID restrictions are on-site; we're doing either a PCR or rapid test every day and not allowed to see anyone outside our bubble. We've expanded our team (with me as lead editor) so I'm really hoping to be able to sleep more than I've done in the past!!

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March 16th:
Aaaaand then I got so busy on the trip that I never posted this from my iPhone notes.

I'm now on the plane heading home! 🛬

Exhausted but my heart is full. The first few nights I was so jetlagged I couldn't sleep, then afterwards I didn't sleep much from working late crazy nights and still having to wake up early to attend a shoot or take our daily COVID test...

My main job was editing a highlights video that was shown at the awards ceremony on the final day—comprised of all the interviews and footage our team filmed all week of the students' activities. It's a task that I take very seriously because it's how this super important week for these kids is immortalized and gives them an immediate perspective of how amazing their experience was. Everyone on the staff does their best to treat them like mini celebrities, since they've done so much to be celebrated, but I get the privilege of letting them see themselves framed like superstars which I think is quite special.

It's really, really touching to watch them watch the video. 🥺 Honestly makes all the exhaustion feel kinda worth it. It warmed my heart to hear their comments, clapping for each other, laughing at the funny parts, hugging each other and all the "awwww"ing.... And then at the end they applauded the video team and my boss FOR SOME REASON POINTED AT ME and gave me all the credit despite there being other team members too that did the filming and producing and assisting so the whole room turned and applauded me which was so mindblowing aaaaaaa I was insanely embarrassed!!! had no idea how to act!! but the recognition is gratifying. 😭😭 My team members also told me that I cut together an amazing story so I feel really happy about that.

There's so much energy, camaraderie, good food, and fun experiences from doing this in person that just can't be replicated to even a fraction during the virtual counterpart—and makes it possible to power through all the miserable things like stress and not sleeping.

Oh yeah, I pulled an all-nighter on the final night before the video was due lol. I'm sad about that because we expanded our team to prevent this... but we overlooked some things and there was also bad luck and a lot of troubleshooting and ugh....... I was pretty stressed the whole time and barely slept.

Anddddd then I never finished this post until now lmaolmaoalmaaooo my March continued to be busy stressful even after getting back but I think FINALLY... in April now I can take a breather! 🌸

(...until the next big business trip in May)

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Photo dump after the cut because I guess why not:

2021 New Year's Resolutions Review

For those who don't know, starting all the way back in 2009 I've tried to write 100 goals for myself almost every year! It's one of my personal traditions and I'll often reflect on how I did before coming up with another set for the next year.

This was quite a year lmao I'm scared to see how badly I did. (That said, there was every excuse for doing badly, I'm forgiven, I don't care!!!)

The reason I'm bent on reviewing 2021 though is because I don't plan to do 2022 resolutions for now. ;v; It would just be, like, 70% health-related resolutions which is boring as heck.

There's too much uncertainty about whether/when my throat will recover and the other health things preventing me from working on projects or my skills much—I've been set back so much that I don't want to think too hard about distant goals. This year I really just need to take care of myself by staying disciplined and extremely careful about my lifestyle, appreciate the small things in life, and keep my pessimism in check believe that everything will get better soon!

- - -

— Highlights of my 2021:

[link to MV if embed breaks]

• After an extremely long editing and color grading process, I finished the Ph03n1x 4sh music video that I had the huge opportunity of directing back in 2020—and it premiered at Virtual Anime Expo!!! The biggest accomplishment of my life. 😭
  
  
• Vaccination! I'm very fortunate that most of my loved ones and I have steered clear of COVID. Just one friend that I see sometimes caught it right before New Years ;;
  
  
• Neither a high nor low but...... I... went to my high school 10 year reunion, omg.........
  
  
• Spent a good amount of time with friends to make up for 2020's lost time ❤️
  
  
• Before cases surged again (cries), I got to travel a bit again! Went to LA and Seattle and made lovely memories!
  
  

— Lows of my 2021:

• In the spring, workload was insanely overwhelming and I lost control of work-life balance and dealt with the worst burnout I've ever experienced.. Like, bursting into tears trying to write an email asking for time off because I felt so deeply uncomfortable and guilty about it sort of bad. What has this bloody pandemic done to our psyche?? Anyway I can't relate anymore; my work-life balance is great now! 💁🏻‍♀️
  
  
• Health sux I can't sing I see many doctor I sometimes feel not great blah blah blah blah

[Photo Log] Didneyrand ! ! ✨

[Once again the thing happened where I began writing a post in reasonable time after the described events, got busy, and let it collect dust..... Picking this up again after a month!]

Last week (as of November 27th lol) chiisa and I took a little trip to LA to spend time with one of our closest friends that had moved away a few months prior. ;u; My first time traveling since 2019!! It was super fun, though exhausting, especially with all the walking and not sleeping enough, and it was great to have a proper break from work which evidently only traveling can supply.

We decided to spend a day at Disney's California Adventure to check out the new offerings! 🤟 Since Disneyland in LA is separated into two parks (each requiring their own tickets) and one has the new Star Wars-themed area while the other has Marvel, it was a hard choice between the two but I looooove the MCU — so Avengers Campus was the winner!

It was interesting(?) to travel and attend a theme park during a pandemic; it certainly always kept me on my toes. Fortunately, chiisa and I were able to get our vaccine boosters before the trip and I tried to still social distance from non-friends but a few instances made it difficult and the plane was so uncomfortable?! At least it was somewhat of a comfort that Disneyland was very strict about everyone being masked anytime they were indoors—the attendants were vigilant about this rule with constant reminders, though they didn't do anything to encourage social distancing...

It was not intentional that I happened to have red-ish colored hair like my favorite Disney Princess but it worked out for the best 😆 This crop top sweater was a gift from chiisa and I was also wearing seashell earrings and a hairclip with Ariel on it! All the Little Mermaid paraphernalia ehehe

Check out how cute chiisa's Winnie the Pooh headband is 🥺

The rock-like object (unfortunately not Rock-kun) that she's holding is a... raspberry-flavored cream puff being touted as a Guardians of the Galaxy .. space rock?! orb?? It was surprisingly really yummy!

red~

as once said by iz*one in their song La Vie en Rose...

"red~"

~

Oops I meant to post this like 2 weeks ago :D;; It's actually not this red anymore since these were snapped right after the session and there was still residual dye that hadn't been fully washed off. After a few shampoos, it's become a nice reddish brown which was what I wanted!

Haven't dyed my hair since 2018; it felt like the right time for a fun change! About the end of October I finished up another one of those STEM youth events where our whole team works super long hours for a whole week—plus I think I worked 10 days in a row...—and on my first day off I needed 1) a refreshening, and 2) something to distract myself with that did not involve looking at digital screens. So I stood in the bathroom for like two hours and tried to use a red box dye that made ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE LOL.

You must understand though why I was tempted to buy this box dye a couple years back—it's so cute yet so disappointingly ineffective (as are many things). Afterwards I asked a friend who works at a salon to help dye it for real and practically made her choke in anger with the story about my box dye attempt oops lolololol...

Back to the screens thing, my eye health has taken a significant hit from the pandemic lifestyle and working from home. My desk is set up in front of a wall so while I'm working all day, my eyes don't get much of a change of pace—whereas when I was in the office I would often look up at coworkers, look out the window. Simply too much time is spent staring at monitors and I rely on them to get my work done and also communicate/spend time with friends, so in the end what had to get sacrificed was working on hobby projects (and blogging). 😭 Shame that so much of my life is done on devices. Eye strain is a struggle.

Since then I had a few eye exams and scans done, got new glasses at higher prescription, trying out having a second pair dedicated to computer use, and started medicated eye drops and a compress treatment for my dry eyes! Hoping that all this helps 🤞🤞

New glasses, new look, feels very different, hate how much they shrink my eyes ?!?!

The Reunion

I began writing this on August 22nd, the day after the described events, and very slowly continued it from October 5th!

When I found this draft, I so regretted that I didn't finish the post right away because I'm sure that what I'm able to convey now months later is drastically distanced from the feelings I had at that time. Sad to say I actually didn't even remember writing most of that draft—it took a while to jog my memory and put myself back in those shoes...... I wonder what else I would have written then.. 😭


---

August 22nd, 2021:

Hi! It feels like it's been a long time since I wrote a truly personal post like this... To be frank, I don't look forward to writing it 😅 but what just passed is such a huge milestone and frequent occupant of my thoughts for the past two months—I think future me will thank myself for leaving this entry in the diary.

I........
I went to my high school 10 year reunion!!! Wild, I know!!

(fun fact: i got clip-on bangs—ye that's not my real hair—just for this bc of a bad haircut lol)

How was I comfortable going to an event during a pandemic, you ask? The venue is huge and not many RSVP'ed. Vaccination is almost universally supported locally and there is a mask mandate for public indoor places, of which the organizer sent a reminder beforehand—you're supposed to wear a mask except when eating or drinking. I went trusting that people were responsible and now I wonder if I'm too naive...? It began with everyone masked 'til eventually just me. Disappointing and scary. ><

(Edit: Though I tried to be safe, out of paranoia I also took a COVID test a couple days afterwards... and I was pretty mad about it so those peeps are damn lucky I tested negative. 😤)

Twenty-eight

Posting a little late because I've been busy but I'm here with my yearly birthday post!! I turned 28 on May 2nd ^^ It certainly feels strange to have hit this age where you can now say I'm nearing 30 years old, but I think I've been mentally preparing myself for it and also able to embrace that............it doesn't mean anything. LOL

I've been "an adult" for long enough now that I'm okay with the responsibilities that come with that status—but also now I know that there are a lot of "requirements" that I don't need to check off in order to feel worthy of my stage in life. I'm always growing but I'm still perfectly incompetent at a lot of life skills and still have little interest in things larger than me! In the end it doesn't signify much. We're just all here on this planet to do what we can, and I just want to take care of myself and others.

Something that was significant to me about being 27 over the past year was that it was when I finally felt somewhat comfortable/more confident with presenting myself in varying styles, the biggest challenge being cute ones—and I'm really proud about this! It was liberating to be able to tell myself, "No you're not too old or too awkward to wear twintails; that's a dumb prejudice you've been having all this time. As long as you like wearing them then you're allowed to wear them until whatever age you want without judgment! It's okay to want to dress in a cute style! It's okay for people to perceive you as different things at different times!" ⭐️

This is something I've been wanting to break through since I was a teenager—when I already liked cute and feminine things but didn't feel that it was right for me to be that, because I was so tall and awkward and such a wallflower. And my parents would even often relate femininity with weakness; they'd tell me that I should dress more boyishly or plainly, act 'tough,' but don't stand out, so that nobody would want to target me when walking home from school by myself.. Sure, it's kind of a legitimate safety concern (freaking sad) but.... man it took more than a decade til I started being able to unlearn it.

Oh and one other thing that was special about 27!! Last summer I read Persuasion (1817) by my favorite author Jane Austen and the protagonist Anne is also 27 years old!! It was sooo refreshing to have a female young adult character on the older end—past the age that is typically romanticized for youth but before the mature beauty of the 30's. I loved how Anne is incredibly sweet and competent and takes wonderful care of others—it's why people can trust her but also end up taking advantage of her—and the story is about how she sheds her wallflower-ness to bloom again at the age of 27. And a second chance between her and her almost-fiancé-turned-stranger from years before! It's really a lovely story.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to finding out what will be special about 28. :3

I'M REALLY REALLY PROUD I ACTUALLY TOOK MY YEARLY "Birthday Girl" SHIRT PHOTO EARLY THIS TIME...??? Compared to past years when I didn't get it done til July.... November... A few days ago I did my hair, makeup, and nails to shoot a lipsync video for a collab so I took the chance to do this too!

It was my first time ever doing this little curl thing on my hair like this and I'm a fan of it. ✨ With a lot more practice, this may end up becoming my signature this year hahaha. I also ordered some midi/maxi skirts that are on the way, since I've been wanting to try wearing long skirts more; my fingers are crossed for them to be pretty and comfy!

Aa,,, this is the 14th year in a row that I've taken this mirror photo and... this is also the first time I felt brave enough to compile all of them into a collage. 💀 Or well, I had enough courage to do it and I'm happy that I've grown but still dying of embarrassment LOLOLOL byeeee--

Adventure Day! 🌱🍽 Photo Blog

Hello!! I went on an adventure today ☀️☀️ and want to re-live the full nostalgic experience of an adventure by blogging about it aaa

I'd like to write more about it later but basically for the past month I've been doing what I can to pull myself out of the lowest point of burnout I'd ever been through, and this week I finally, finally cleared my urgent work projects and felt comfortable taking time off from my job! It's my first time taking a proper break since September 2019 when I took a trip to Vancouver.....because even over the holidays I was always busy with big projects......and we're about to start another huge project in May.....so yeah...... I really fucking needed this.

My heart is so full. I wanted to go on an adventure for once—and not be holed up in my room anymore, spend time with a friend(s), be free from the shackles of computer monitors & eye strain headaches, emulate the excitement of travel without safety risks, and have so much fun that there was no room for me to worry about work or feel guilty about productivity—so badly... and we pretty much fulfilled all of that in one day and more. 💗 (tho i'll confess i did read and replied to one email which my boss chided me for lolololol ah i have a long way to go)

The day was spent with my friend Myst who—like myself—has had basically no risk of COVID exposure in over a week and we both live with our parents who are already vaccinated (+ we have a bit of immunity from our first doses), so we felt comfortable carpooling together and not socially distancing between us which was greatly refreshing. ;v;

For our adventure day we considered, let's see.... hiking (both of us: "nah"), a beachside city, or San Francisco... Both of the latter are about an hour's drive away and places we don't frequent but ultimately SF came out on top for the sole reason that it would have better food HAHAHAHAHA. And we happily continued with our philosophy of following our stomachs for the entire day! Literally my purpose in life to be honest!!!!!

And as we were driving home, we realized just how shocking it was the amount of experiences we had for a day with little plans... We had a lot of fun. :> I'd like to make myself remember that I was able to have a day full of so much enjoyment, tasty food, and good fortune and encounters—even as we're in a pandemic and after such a long period of. I don't even know how to describe it. Stress? Drought? Isolation? Bad vibes? Feeling unfulfilled? All of the above.

2021 New Year's Resolutions

At the start of 2020, for some possibly prophetic reason I didn't do my usual 100 resolutions because I didn't feel ready to set new goals for myself; though I wrote out 40 as "mid-year resolutions" in July!

It feels all too soon to have a whole new, long list of [silly to serious] ambitions but I'm determined to do this right now. 💦

I'm sure we've all already heard all the reasons last year was rough for everyone, but I think on top of everything there's been this unspoken layer of restraint when it comes to speaking honestly about or processing our mental health and personal progress outside of productivity? There certainly have been times when I was experiencing darkness but didn't feel that I ought to talk about it especially publicly, or burden others when they had plenty of 2020 darkness to deal with already, or even write it out it in my private diary as an outlet—and I try to be fairly expressive about these topics so I can't even imagine the extent that others have suppressed themselves. ;; "People are drawn to shiny, nice things that help them forget about their troubles so they won't like me if I talk about negative subjects" is a thought that I imagine has probably crossed many people's minds. I've seen so many people act as strong as they can while silently burning themselves out emotionally.

And I'll also confess this from my perspective as a youtaite while watching the vtuber migration through the year—seeing so many of my peers being celebrated for being a character has made me both worry about their fatigue while having to suppress the flawed sides to their humanity, and also wonder if I ought to do the same. But I've kinda realized that that's not me. I've publicly documented all my shortcomings since I was a child hahaha.

So with this list I hope to be a bit more open than I was in 2020 and signify that I'm gonna do my best to take better care of myself, be introspective, and try to healthily progress towards improving my wellbeing and whatever little goals I have! ;^;)9 More than anything, I want to focus on breaking some stubborn mental habits and reprogram my outlook to be less grim & more forgiving towards myself!

2020 Mid-Year Resolutions

ha ha ha ha.........

At the start of this year I skipped my typical New Year's resolutions—for some reason I just didn't...feel...ready? to make new goals for myself?

Did I somehow intuitively predict that our entire world and lives would be turned upside down and never to be the same again? Did I know that I would've had no way to carry out my resolutions if I had made them? Either way, I'm glad I didn't waste my time I guess LOL. 🤷‍♀️

I cannot guarantee that I'll hit 100 but now that I'm more or less settled into the lifestyle that'll persist into the indefinite future, here are some goals I have in mind for myself.

[Edit: I did 40 for now ♥]

twentyseven 👂

Welp, at this point I always do these late—although this isn't quite as bad as when I posted it in November last year—but I turned 27 back in May and it's been my tradition to always post a mirror selfie wearing this Birthday Girl shirt ever since I was 15!

....
There's no logical reason to do this but I'm going to do the exact same thing I did last year and hijack the post to share my recent DIY + purchased earrings LOL.

quarantine diary page 3

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?!?! THE LAST TIME I WROTE ONE OF THESE WAS APRIL?! EXCUSE ME, WHAAAAT?? And it's already mid July?!! Why is time suddenly going at superspeed?! Highly alarming; I literally need a moment to just pause and absorb this information. Wow.