real quick post before i head to bed I'M SCREAMING

today has been a DAY.

the music video finally comes out this sunday :') premiering at their virtual performance at AX!!

finally everyone can hear how much of a bop this song is!!!! it's so good!!

i have been stewing in anxiety for weeks months the past year and a half. i am anxiety itself i'm so nervous for people to watch my work because i know expectations are high hhhhh

Our newest single "RAIN" is almost here! Don't miss the music video premiere and our virtual performance on @AnimeExpo Lite this Sunday, July 4! pic.twitter.com/L5ydQvnZ8O

— Phoenix Ash Official (@phoenixashmusic) June 29, 2021

 

Edit: It's outttttt https://youtu.be/MH0a9bcPcMw

I'll probably make a youtube video where I talk more about it. ;v;

Carved deep into my heart

A quick catch-up post!

OH MY GOSH PARASITE'S GINORMOUS OSCARS SWEEP LAST WEEK!!! My coworkers forced me to watch that movie a few weeks ago—which I was interested in watching except I'm the most fragile scaredy-cat so it was nice to see it in a lit room full of people who had already watched it :'D... God, it is such a masterpiece. Blows my mind. It really deserves all the accolades so I'm happy that it's being recognized on this level T__T!!

Vídeography has been on my mind lately because of the MV that I directed last month and learning that I enjoy storyboards and shot lists and would like to improve at cínematography and coming up with interesting framing..... Parasite was just so inspiring on everyyyyy level—from the writing to the symbolism to the shot compositions to the blocking to the tasty visual storytelling—just everything. 👌👌👌 And since I just recently had my first experience as a director, I couldn't help but pay extra attention to Bong Joon Ho and his awesome storyboards and learning about his perspective and intentions. It was easy to fall in love with his hilariously lax, humble personality and his incredible interpreter Sharon Choi... I love her...... This tweet sums it up. I can't stop watching videos of her precisely multilingual, sharp hilarious brilliance and have optimistically high hopes for her as a fílmmaker!!! I feel like she could probably write comedy and I'd probably die laughing every 20 seconds...

Anyway, the reason I wanted to write about this was because of Bong Joon Ho's speech when he won Best Directing. I love it for a lot of reasons—the heartfelt shout outs to the other directors, giving credit to who and what inspired him, joking about sawing the trophy into pieces, Sharon Choi being a delight as always, their chemistry together, the "THANK YOU, I WILL DRINK UNTIL NEXT MORNING" LMAO.

But most of all!!! It hit me really hard when he quoted Scorsese's words: "The most personal is the most creative."

Because it reminded me of the post that I wrote a few months ago when I was stressed about the MV, called "directional failure." It makes me feel....validated? I was worried about it and I still think that I need tougher skin, but I think I was right to have this kind of belief and for wanting to embed a fragment of my personality into my work. And like perhaps I have something in common with Bong Joon Ho?

It almost feels like he was speaking directly to me. Really so inspiring. And honestly I had so much anxiety and fear after the MV shoot that it feels like it's helping me heal from it and be a little bit proud that I tried to be a director once. ;u;

~✨~✨~

So like I spent a full week totally incapacitated by a horrible stomach virus LOLOLOL. It started while I was staying at Fome's place an hour away and I felt so sick that he had to drive me home in my car and take public transportation back—bless his sweet soul 😭... I had to miss out on probably my only chance to ever see SuperM live... Everyday I gave my bosses the same update of "My symptoms are too terrible for me to come into the office today, but I'll do my best to hopefully come in tomorrow!" over and over and over... Absolutely shitty experience, would not recommend LOL. You'd think that spending a week at home would at least allow me to work on mixing or consume a lot of entertainment BUT NO....NO FUN OR PRODUCTIVITY; JUST HEADACHES AND PAIN AND BATHROOM AND BED ONLY.

Anyway, FINALLY now 15 days after it first started I can say that I think I'm 100% recovered! And ever since I began being able to function again, things have been really great!! To make up for frustratingly lost productivity, I decided that unless I'm spending time with friends, I'll be spending at least 1-2 hours mixing or recording everyday. I'm doing it pretty healthily too so far as I still leave time to sleep and watch anime (YO IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE BEEN SO INVESTED IN SO MUCH ANIME... I LOVE THIS SEASON ^u^) and I just spent 2 days of quality time with friends doing really fun things and feeling like I'm being myself and happy.

PS: Also watched Sonic and Birds of Prey in the past few days and while they were not masterpieces, they were little exploding sacks of fun and both offered a lot of creativity—the former in its quippy writing, and the latter in its action and set design!

Between the Screens

With the music video and the health scare (which turned out to apparently be nothing other than lack of exercise? so been easing back into practicing K/DA dance ✌) it has been quite the year of 2020 already for me........................ The hell. LOL.

[Edit: speaking of health scares, I started writing this before the heartbreaking coronavírus outbreak.. ;;; everyone please take care and stay healthy!]

SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMSSSSSSS there'sbeensomuchpressureit'sbeencrazy

So the music video idea was born out of my bosses wanting to challenge me with the experience of directing a project for the first time—but "low pressure" since it wouldn't be a client project. It could've just been a small thing, for example a "how to make a cocktail" video was a contender—until one of my bosses was like OR CONSIDER......PH0EN1X 4SH MUS1C V1DEO................IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO WORK ON A MUSIC VIDEO...................... and I thought about it for a day and was like... y'know what, same. I was frightened as heck about doing it but that was the project I chose knowing that it would bring the most fulfillment to all of us.

And then it all grew out of control LOL. Initially we imagined it'd be a pretty scrappy low-budget project, that with just 5 or 6 of us, we'd make it work and it'd be a hands-on learning experience for the whole team. Then we secured an amazing [expensive] location... And our cínematographer got his new, shiny cínema camera that's worth more than his life savings... So everything demanded more, bigger, better, prettier, higher quality, everything that this shoot now deserved. My bosses allowed us to put more budget into this, we expanded the crew to 17 people(!!), and it became the most legitimate production that I've ever been on.

directional failure

highlight~ highlight~

[ Now Playing: "Highlight" by IZ*ONE ]

Oof we're already at the end of September but I still wanted to post about this: August was a pretty busy month just from the sheer amount of BAR Con shows that happened throughout the month and subsequently at the beginning of September haha. To recap, BAR (booze - anime - rock) Con is a monthly event that I'm on the staff for—it takes place every first Friday of the month but when the opportunities arise we also put on special shows. August had a lot of opportunities which was amazing!!! but also tiring for everyone involved.... Over the years I've been helping Fome with stage setup and running sound—although not so much recently with our friend Diji being wicked awesome with the soundboard and it's been freeing me up to do other things like film/take photos and order/pass out staff meals! I also make some of the official BAR Con videos, like the ads that we run on FB and a couple of highlights videos.

One of August's special events was a 5-stop tour with the lineup of Phoenix Ash (Fome's rock band), PhEri (LA-based idol duo), Stephanie Topalian (an increeedible singer and person who sang the iconic song "Friends" from Gundam 00), and Diana Garnet/Tonkhai whose inclusion was meaningful beyond words 💞💞💞 Tonkhai was a youtaite and was in fact the very person who introduced Fome to the community..! I've always greatly admired her singing and especially loved listening to her "Sobakasu" cover back in like 2011 ;o;... She was one who pursued her big dreams by moving to Japan and getting signed by a label!! She sang an ending from Naruto and is doing a lot of TV work! It's just so incredible to have her come back to the US and go on tour with artists that include two other youtaite (Fome and Phoebe from PhEri) and to have a ton of youtaite come to the shows to cheer them on and I even got to hear Tonkhai sing "Sobakasu" live and she was perfect T//A//T

So Fome and I had the idea of making a highlights video using footage from the first leg of the tour, in order to thank our home audience for coming out and to get the other locations hyped up about what they were about to experience! The only issue was that the first show ended at 10 PM Sunday night... And the next show was on Tuesday.... If we wanted the video to circulate around social media, it would have to be uploaded on Monday. So that's how I ended up applying my quick-turn event video skills from my dayjob to ... this!

Behind the Editing of "AX YOUTAITE REACT to CB Winners"

YASS!!!!! IT'S DONE!!! It'S FINALLY OUT IN THE WORLD!! And it's gotten such an explosive response so far omggg thank youuuu QAQ

It's been a wild ride executing the Youtaite React AX (Anime Expo) special, from filming outside for 3 hours in 108 F / 42 C weather, to the crazy complicated edit that it became and how many things kept popping up that needed to be done before it was ready to go. It really took me over 50 hours of working on this after the shoot to get it done and ready for upload..... Under the cut, I'mma discuss the post-production process in more detail!

For this episode, we put up a clipboard during the youtaite meetup for anyone to sign up, with only the info that they'd be doing a challenge and not to spoil the answers. We then had participants watch entries from a selection of the chorus battles with the most participating entries/were the most iconic for their time, and they racked up points by guessing the song, group, and CB.

We got some hilarious struggling as well as folks expressing their love for entries/groups/their friends—so I think it's pretty entertaining and full of heart. ^^ Everyone did great! I'm also in it kind of as a host.... I swear I tried to cut my intro out but it didn't make enough sense without someone spelling out the setting and what was happening... I don't even know how I let Fome talk me into that ending. That's not me.

Anyway! I also asked them questions after the challenge and got lots of wholesome answers, so that's what the next episode is going to be composed of. Someday. When I....make time....to edit it.

So enjoy this one!! For a while!!! Please!

AX YOUTAITE REACT to Chorus Battle Winners 【ep. 4】

Kate Kim "So Long, Baby" + BTS Photos

Ayyy, this is an exciting post!!!

So quick story: my friend Gino has a high school friend—Kate Kim—who debuted in Korea as a soloist after participating on a singing competition show. She's AMAZINGLY super talented and a lot of our friends have been supporting her for years despite never having met her. She co-composed an awesome song, came back to California to film an MV for it, and when Gino told me about it, I was more than happy to help out on the shoot. ^^ It was a long, exhausting day of handling gear, but a very fun experience and I learned a lot from the crew leads! And now I can say I've worked on a k-pop video hahaha!

When I wasn't helping with lighting, I was taking behind-the-scenes photos on my camera. (Ah have I mentioned on here that I bought my first DSLR in October? :>) And I guess they ended up choosing one of the pictures I took as the cover photo for the single, which was really unexpected and cool!!! So you can see this on iTunes and on official Korean streaming sites and errthang....

Anyway, here is Kate's MV for "So Long, Baby" which is a wonderfully groovy bop. She sings with so much flair and oomph and it's got me singing, "do re mi fa sol~~" all the time. The music video looks so cool; the space we filmed in was tiny, but it's incredible what we were able to make out of it thanks to the crew's creativity. And look! how! cute! Kate is! And chic and sassy and gorgeous all at once.

It's also worth noting that Kate's as much of a sweetheart as I already had an impression of her being. Honestly every single person on the set was really nice and cooperative, so it was a positive and productive atmosphere the whole time. Gino vlogged/took behind-the-scenes videos (of course, because he's Gino) which you can check out below. You might spot me a few times~

Under the cut, I'll be sharing some of the photos I snapped on the shoot. :D I'm no photographer and I'm still very inexperienced with cameras, but I do really like how some of these turned out. Enjoy!

Best Boy

Blublubbb a pretty unimportant post; I'm kind of rambling. Today, one of my bosses called me "the editing queen," which was cute, and then I went on to finish editing a video that I was pretty proud of! I thought about showing it to people or even maybe putting it on my professional profile... But giving it a watch-through, I realize that it's not necessarily impressive work? There's not really a point to showing it off? I feel that many people don't entirely understand what it is that I do as an editor, which I understand is not their fault at all. ;A; Contrary to what you'd expect, I don't have many technical strengths—but what I'm told that I do well is piecing together stories, telling people's messages cohesively and with pathos. Also being fairly quick(?) at sorting through footage, having a decent sense for selecting the best shots, and inserting them where fitting! These are not flashy skills, and they are skills that are usually not acknowledged... which is befitting since I've written tons of anxious posts here about not being sure that I was skilled at all? As it turns out, I guess I have the sort of skill that lies beneath the surface and is difficult to recognize. /o/ I tend to forget this a lot haha. But I do feel that it's hard to prove myself to anyone that doesn't know what I do on a close level, or to anyone that doesn't understand how video works..... It's a slope I'm still figuring out how to climb.

One thing I realized that I tend to forget to be proud of myself for is the fact that I'm a girl in this industry that's dominated by men and for challenging people's often sexist expectations. "Are you sure you want to go into this career path that's for guys? And requires physical work?" is something I was asked. I'm constantly hearing people say things like, the camera guy, the audio guy, the lighting guy—to which I've responded before, "Actually, I'm the audio guy." Surprise!!!

Some months ago, I was on a video shoot unrelated to work, for a parody sort of video with a bunch of my former uni classmates. I was on the lighting team, someone pointed out that I was the best boy (a position which means assistant to the head of lighting), and we laughed. They ended up crediting me on the video as something else that made equal sense, but in hindsight I wish I had told them seriously, "Yes, please actually credit me as best boy electric." The irony is delicious LOL!! It makes you think about the industry, which I hope learns better. Anyway today I will pat myself on the back for somewhat challenging sexism I think.

"10 Years of Covers" BTS

Just wanted to share some more pictures from the making of my 10th anniversary video aka my last minute impulsive decision to go with the idea that required shooting about 60 shots. orz Why did I do that to myself LOL.. It was veeery time consuming, and oh my god it was so frustrating when I went from frantically running around for two days/nights doing nothing but shooting, to...being completely bedridden with food poisoning and still many shots to go. =A=

Actually, the concept I was originally planning on was basically a scrapbook and then I'd superimpose the videos while editing, WHEN SUDDENLY my mom brought home a pocket projector she got for free.  8D;; So that just kind of fell into my lap and I was super excited, but god it came with so many limitations lol... I couldn't get the projector to play videos from my SD card—let's be real, there are reasons that this was given for free—so I had to lug my laptop around everywhere and change out all of the shots that I had planned to be outside. :c

My little "studio" on my bed was also janky as fuck LOL and I only had one LED light to combat the terrible, terrible, terrible, ugly lighting in my house.

And then... the 2 days it took just for color correction because the footage looked. so. bad. LOL Still does, but I'm glad that such a difference can be made at least..!!

It was a ton of work and time but I had fun making this video for sure! Let's not impulsively decide to rush a video with 60 shots again. That was enough wannabe-videography fun for a while~

For You ♥ Cover

I FINISHED AND UPLOADED A COVER!!!! ^___^ My first full song solo and first K-pop (that Let It Go doesn't count man) solo since "Tonight" which was in December 2013!!

falls over.
.
.
crawls to bed . .

please enjoy!



【Cover】 Lovelyz - For You (그대에게) 【Eva】 

Criiiinging @ myself, but I'm a huge Lovelyz fan and this song (ok the group too) owns my soul. ;u; Such an uplifting and meaningful message!! Please support them and check out the gorgeous original MV too~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyKBa3RNo4M

MP3 of my cover: http://bit.ly/1MXNw0E
The video is just me filming myself being dumb on a beach. :'D Continuity is not a thing and neither is grace.

Many thanks to Fome for teaching me most of the harmonies! And to Kazou for shipping a package to my house which gave me a box to film with LOLOL. (Let's just pretend that's the right album because my copy of Lovelinus hadn't arrived at the time..)

All vocals belong to me—except for the bgm around 2:37, which is the only part I haven't found a clean, official instrumental for yet. ;_; When I find it, I'll update my mix MP3!
Feel free if you'd like to use the instrumental I edited together~ You can dl it here: http://bit.ly/1OU7t9W

Thank you for listening! Keep your head up. You'll be just fine, friend. ^^

Power / Coco

A part of me had dreaded writing this post for certain reasons, despite the vehemently small voice that urges me through every crack in my subconscience haha.

Finally got the push today as I received this email. ;u;
Two days a week, I work at a video production start-up that does media for mostly corporate companies. In July, we headed over to Google HQ for a video shoot for a lovely organization that helps girls learn about science, math, and tech. Although I didn't do anything related to producing or camerawork, I did work the live audio recording, and then I assisted with the video edit, and did all the audio mixing and color correction. My first time having such a big hand in a project for the company ;u;! You can watch the video here if you're curious.

  

Hearing these kinds of things makes me really happy! I'm glad to be helpful.

I had a moment of realization last month that I can actually affect others' lives and move them by making videos. It's a fascinating thing—the power of a camera, an editing program, and a mouse—turned into the form of media that speaks most volumes.


During the shoot, one of the girls we interviewed really stood out to me. She was the youngest—a bright-eyed one, 12 years old, but spoke with more thought and articulation than me tenfold. A mature, but optimistic, obviously passionate young girl! I remember when we finished her interview, I thought to myself, "Man, so kids these days can be smart. Did I just meet a child prodigy? This girl's gonna do big things one day," and wished her good luck with her pursuits while I helped her take off the microphone.

Flash forward to last month, when I stupidly.. agh, so stupidly decided to check my work email on my iPad while I was in bed, before falling asleep.
And I found out she passed away in a car accident...... ;;;;;;;;;;;;; Needless to say, it was hard to fall asleep that night... And now I will never check my email before bed again.

When I went into work, they put me on the assignment of making a video for her family. Or well they asked me to put together all of the footage we had of her (since we really only used a nibble of it for the video) but I was more than willing to edit together a nice memorial video for her.. ;; I think she deserved at least that much. She was so charming, so smart, so passionate, so spirited. I don't know how she made such a lasting impression on me when I only met her once, but I had such big hopes for her already. Actually, I stayed really late that day to make a nice video to send her off with. A lot of deliberate editing. All of her smiling and laughing shots because they need to know how happy and bright she was. Video ended with a slow motion shot of her smiling warmly and nodding, because I think her loved ones would want to hear her say, "It's okay."

I don't know how her family reacted to the video, but the words of my coworkers and our friends from the organization (through whom we passed the video) really touched me—because of how I was able to touch them. ;; It was sad, but also felt a little.. miraculous? That I can do something that might help or comfort other people? Make something that invokes emotions?

Art is really such a powerful thing. ^^ I guess that's how I might find motivation to work on gifts for friends when I'm otherwise mostly unmotivated.

Honestly, I've had the thought before that my film classmates might look down on me because most of what I've been doing professionally so far have involved "simple" interviews, and I'm not pursuing fancy Hollywood-bound things and complex cinematography like most of them are. But today I feel like I'm not losing in any way. Interviews are personal; through them, people can share their stories and passions, and connect and strike a chord with the viewer. Right?

After that email today, I wounded up on the organization's website and came across their News page which talked about how the recent mentees went up to Google in SF (not HQ; it was a prior occasion) and one girl even wrote an essay on her exciting experience. I clicked on it out of curiosity. Fuck. It was Coco.... Just like what she said in her interview, she wrote that she dreams of working at Google someday. Emotions stirred again.
I hardly knew you but I miss you. ;n; Rest in peace, Coco.

A New Journey

【小さな•Kazou•Eva】Phoenix Ash - A New Journey「HBD Fome!」

Vocals:
　- Chiisana (Blossana)
　　http://www.youtube.com/ChiisanaChanx3
　- Kazou (Butterkaz)
　　http://www.youtube.com/soundmutation
　- Eva (Bubbleva)
　　http://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva

Script: Kazou
Mix: Eva
Harmony Guide: Chiisana
Video: Eva


YAAYYY!! A COMPLETED PROJECT! Chiisana, Kazou, and I surprised Fome for his birthday by doing a cover of one of Fome's band's songs. ^^ Actually it's the first song he wrote for Phoenix Ash. It's also appropriate given that he's got exciting changes ahead, but that will probably be announced in due time. Congratulations and happy birthday to Fome!!!

Hope you enjoy what we made ;v; All three of us struggled singing this song since it's nothing like what we're used to doing LOL.... Admittedly I rushed the mix so sorry about that part.. and also for my still developing sense of aesthetic.. but I did really work very hard on this video!! orz I'm no videographer, but I have been wanting to make an MV ever since my Tonight video, so I'm glad I got to do that for this heh. Took a lot of work but it was fun.

Also look out for the Easter eggs in the video hehe. A lot of the footage was shot on the day that Fome took pictures of Kazou modeling for the band's new t-shirts. So beyond the blatant shots of them and their feet, if you look carefully, you might see Fome and Kazou in the corner walking ahead of me.. Just look for the brown messenger bag :'D

(based on our representative colors)
[12:50:40 PM] Kazou-kun: we look like the powerpuff girls
[12:51:28 PM] Eva: THE FOAMYPUFF GIRLS
[12:52:34 PM] Kazou-kun: Blossana, Bubbleva, and Butterkaz
[12:52:42 PM] Eva: YOOOOOOOOOO
[12:52:45 PM] Eva: it's official

[12:58:21 PM] Eva: adsfjlkdslfkjdslkfjdsfksad
[12:58:25 PM] Eva: AND FOME IS PROFESSOR
[1:00:24 PM] Eva: this is perfect
[1:00:30 PM] Eva: old man mad scientist fome
[1:00:40 PM] Eva: creates friends in his laboratory
[1:00:42 PM] Eva: to sing him songs
[1:00:55 PM] Eva: that's the plotline

[1:41:45 PM] Kazou-kun: Can I invite Siri
[1:41:57 PM] Eva: Bunny is not allowed to play
[1:42:01 PM] Kazou-kun: PLEASE
[1:42:06 PM] Eva: we killed Bunny remember

go-go get.

Wassup?


I'M FINALLY DONE WITH THE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aa
a
a
a
a
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a

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

It was an enlightening, valuable, and fruitful semester indeed.

Actually, I'm a little sad to see it go. Mostly because I had just started making many friends of whom I've no guarantee I'll see again, just starting to become involved, just starting to feel like a proper student with some passion towards the schoolwork beyond my obsession with achieving top grades.
But ultimately, this semester left me in a great place, with many bounds leapt and much room to grow: many opportunities looking forward, experience under the belt, and mistakes on which to reflect. I'm a happy student. I'm not entirely competent and not entirely confident. I really wish that I were better. I wish that I were the type that's just inherently talented--effortlessly achieving instead of having to work hard and long to maybe get to the same place. I'm scared that I let anyone down, and sorry that I lack so much. But I'm happy with how far I came in this semester, as well as how much resolve I now boast to improve as much as I can.

Dude. Compared to before, I'm frighteningly social now.... I actually made a lot of friends and acquaintances! Connections! Being a bit more fun and open! People know who I am! I'm being proactive! Volunteering! Speaking loudly! Not so afraid to stand in front of a mass of people! More willing to be an object of attention! Performing! In front of people! Sometimes being praised for it!
Who am I even?

Also I can't wait to catch up on some well overdue sleep, man. In the past month, there've only been a handful of nights when I was able to sleep earlier than 4 AM. orzzzzzzzzz All 3 of my final projects (which I edited) were due on Monday.......... And it's not like I procrastinated at all because every night, I've been up til past 4.. sometimes up til 7 doing productive things. But this last weekend was tough LOL. In the span of 55 hours, I slept for 3 hours.

Speaking of last weekend, I went on the film shoot that I spoke of in my last post. To be honest, I can't help but feel disappointed, because this was a golden opportunity that ended up in another basket. When I got there, they had filled in the 2 spots on the audio team (I'm sure they probably did a good job, but they also didn't have previous experience with the equipment) and I guess they needed more extras........ It was a different, interesting experience. Luckily I enjoy playing dress-up LOL so I was fascinated with the process of having a costume team pick out my outfit and then having a make-up artist do my face.

What I did not like was uselessly sitting on my ass in the make-up room, just waiting to be called onto the set. I wanted to help.. gain experience.. be hands-on.. learn something.. then have another line for my resume.. sigh....
I could have used the time to--OH I DON'T KNOW--sleep or work on projects.

But here's the outfit I wore on camera! WOOHOOOO grossly vandalized school bathroom mirrors. The theme's supposed to be 60's and I'm not so sure if it's accurate LOL. They decided to make me the go-go girl/mod girl. The camera doesn't capture it, but I'm wearing fishnet stockings. BASICALLY ACTUAL FISHNET; that was some stiff stuff. And I was 6 feet tall in these boots, lord help me.... how embarrassing... But I did it! In front of the entire crew! And on camera!

Now I'm feeling super hyped because I intend to have a productive winter break! I'll be increasing my work hours, but I'll try to find the time nevertheless. There's a lot I want to do! And I'm going to try chasing after some opportunities! I'm gonna have some fun while at it. I'll do my best. I want to become a more impressive version of myself. I can do it. :)

Sound's speeding!

hyu hyu, this is basically a narcissistic post of, "Hey look at these pictures that I'm in that kind of show what I've been up to!"

Yeeeeee, I had hella fun on this film shoot even if it meant long days and very little sleep. The shoot was supposed to end last Saturday, but they added one more day next Saturday for pick-up shots. But man, as soon as last Saturday was over, I basically went into a faux coma LOLLL. Got out of bed at 5 PM on Sunday..... Got out of bed at 3 PM on Monday because my only non-cancelled class was my 7 PM one........ Still pretty productive though throughout the nights. :> I'm a little sad that the last day of the shoot is coming since I'm not sure if I'll get the chance/have time to do any more shoots, but I learned a lot since it was my first time on a big'ish film shoot... I always used to say I don't have interest in film production (and only wanted to do post-production) but this changed that. ^^

(Also can I just say that I am super proud of myself for not only being able to stand in front of a room of people but also for being able to speak loudly and confidently in front of everyone without stuttering alksdfjlksdf)

pc: Edy

On stand-by.
My friend Edy told me to make the face at him and now I wish I were smiling LOL qq.. (These are taken with a film camera with rich-looking, expired film; pretty cool.)

pc: Edy

OOPS HAHAHAHAHA....

A snap of me at the end of a lunch break. Real fuckin' flattering.

And now shots in which I'm pretty insignificant but at least I'm still kinda there--and still doing what I consider to be cool things!

pc: Colin

First day on the shoot and nobody told me how wrongly I was doing my boom op job Q________Q I should be much, much closer, and the pole should be horizontal aaaa embarrassed. Oh well. Actually I'm pretty sure I must've gained some muscles from this film LOL.

pc: Meghann

Second to last day (excl. upcoming pick-up day) and I was the only person on the sound team to show up.... so I got, er, "promoted" to production audio mixer. :'DDDDDD Which is actually a lot less of a crucial job than boom operator imo but oh well. Stole my grip&lighting friend to help boom op for me in this scene heee..

pc: Colin

Somewhere on the side, but. At least I can say I worked alongside this heeeeella legitimate $$$ equipment. :D (the cam, and this doesn't even include the zoom lens and the dolly....) (hell, the microphone I was holding was like $4000..)

When being detail-oriented is a curse

Maybe airing my dirty laundry out to the internet was what it took because I'm finally working on editing Kelly again so I can finally, finally upload this.... 2 and a half months after filming...............

[6:19:40 PM] Chiisana: t..there was more to work on..?!
[6:19:47 PM] Eva: i.. i was really unhappy with the result LOL
[6:19:52 PM] Eva: mostly the camera
[6:19:56 PM] Eva: because it wasn't good at getting shallow focus
[6:20:04 PM] Eva: like i wanted was for one thing to be really in focus
[6:20:09 PM] Eva: while everything else is blurry?
[6:20:22 PM] Eva: but even on the best settings, the camcorder didn't make things that blurry
[6:20:24 PM] Eva: so now i'm literally
[6:20:37 PM] Eva: going through every scene, making a copy, masking it, and adding a blur ._.

Masking out areas to be blurred: in this case, the background and the animals nearest to the camera.

And then there's keyframing because when the actress moves, I don't want her to be in the area that's blurred. (The diamonds along the bottom timeline indicate that a change was made to the masking at that point.) Thus it's a bit of 'animation' too.

I don't wanna do this kind of meticulous and tedious shit, maaaaan :(

Where's my editing team?! Where's my coffee?!! Personal masseur?!
I'm going to be a haughty filmmaker now. I demand benefits!!!!

Ascension

Holy yesterday was just nearly unreal.

You couldn't imagine just how afraid I was yesterday when attending my university's student shorts film festival. I had long surpassed the point of nervously trembling and had submerged into absolute still and dark hopelessness. ;; I'm a coward. During my high school graduation, I was the only valedictorian that didn't make a speech. I don't regret my decision because I do know I wouldn't have been able to handle it, but that shows a lot about me and how I run away from things that frighten me. To be honest, part of me was debating withdrawing from the film festival after I found out that I was accepted HAHAHAHAH.................................. I know. I'm fucking crazy!! I was that scared!!!!!

And you know what. The film festival went 999999999999999% better than I expected. SIGH. I'M SO GLAD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT STILL.

I thought there'd be no reaction to my film, I thought people would outspokenly hate it, I thought people wouldn't get it or care or question the film and who I was and why I had even been accepted and I had no hope for people liking it and I genuinely thought I would be a disappointment.

But .. the audience was so open and welcoming. There was surprisingly a LOT of response.... They laughed at parts that I didn't think were funny in the tiiiiiniest bit??!?! There were gasps and "oh my god"s and "aw"s and "OOOOH"s and even loud guffawing and so much sympathy for the protagonist AND people applauded!!!! OMG. Yano and Kazou can vouch for me that I legit sat through the entire film with my hands on my cheeks and my mouth agape, LIKE AN ABSOLUTE FOOL because I was so overwhelmed in the positive way and shocked. Dude. THAT'S AMAZING. Even though I thought the film was kinda boring and not well produced and even though I'm an absolute inexperienced nobody in the realm in film, there was a reaction beyond twice or thrice of anything I would have ever expected!!

Still though, having my film presented in front of an audience and actually being in front of an audience are entirely different things.

After the relief about the showing took over, I moved on to my next worry LOOOOL which was when I realized that they'd be giving out awards at the end of the event.... and that that meant going up on the stage to accept the awards. Basically what happened:

Step 1: I specifically told my friends not to vote for my film for Audience's Choice because I didn't want to win an award.

Step 2: "By chance that I win an award, maybe I'll just pretend that I'm not here and they can skip over it."

Step 3: "Oh shit, everyone's going up to claim their awards. Please don't give me one."

Step 4: "Hey, I guess it doesn't look too bad. You just walk up and it's fine-- WAIT WHY are some people saying things into the microphone?!"

Step 5: "Okay, BY CHANCE that I win an award, maybe I'll go up there but I just won't make any kind of speech."

Step 6: "Or hm. Idk. What would I say even if I had to? That it was my first film so I'm honored? Yeah. But what if I stutter? Oh well, I don't expect to win anything so it's fine."

Step 7:

Get it? 'Cause it's a film festival of shorts......

WAIT...... They announced "Kelly" as the winner for Best Sound Design?!

Step 8: Stood up without hesitation and walked up as confidently as I could to the stage. Felt "hell yeah." Accepted my shorts.

Step 9: "Oh shit oh shit, they're asking me if I want to say anything-- I don't really-- wait-- no let's do it."

Step 10: I take the microphone and say this to an entire theater full of people: "This was my first ever film, so this is just a huge honor--thank you!" No stutter. My voice didn't break mid-sentence. I remembered to smile. I didn't look or sound like a wreck. Success.

Step 11: "WAIT WTF DID THE APPLAUSE JUST GET LOUDER AFTER I SAID THAT? OMG"

Step 12: I get off the stage and start walking back to my seat, and from all around me, people are congratulating me.... A group of people in the front row to the right shouted to me, "It was really good!" and a guy to my left shouted to me something about enthusiasm but I forget what. A whole audience was looking at me, but I felt good.

I DID ITTTTTTTT

Rising Luck, Impending Fall

Good news arrived these past couple of days with a one-two punch, and with it, the looming of downer-frowner Eva.

This semester has been good to the point that it's eerie, and me having good luck? I don't believe it; no way!! "Eva luck" is a thing among my friends for a reason! (At restaurants, my order usually always comes last or.. is forgotten altogether...) I mean yes, 2014 has been one of my favorite years in life so far, but is it really possible for so much good shit to occur in a single semester without any repercussions or my luck running completely dry for the future? I can't help but genuinely worry that it can only go downhill from here. Greetings, I'm a pessimist.

But onto the good stuff! As of today, I've finished all my finals so I'm off from school until autumn yaaay!!

Before yesterday's radio/sound production final, my professor gave out 3 awards among the two classes. There were two "Outstanding Promo" awards, and then an "Outstanding Pro Tools Producer" award for—and I'm quoting my professor—creating outstanding work throughout the entire semester, from the first project to the last.

Um. Oops. (I don't even like Pro Tools—) It's not.. a "legit" award but still an honor to be acknowledged, and he said it's something we can put on our resumé in the future.

The second piece of news is a lot bigger and a lot more worrisome.

See the picture of the duck on the right with the word "Kelly" on it? Mm, yep. That would be my short film. Which I submitted to my school film club's student short film festival. And. somehow. was accepted and will be played on Thursday at a cinema.

I'm completely torn because while this is an honor beyond my wildest ambition (I'm not very ambitious) .... I only entered because my professor said I should, and I didn't want to regret not doing it. But I didn't expect to get in because even from a firmly objective perspective, I know my production quality lacks a lot and doesn't compare to many of the films made by my peers. (In the context of my circumstances though, I'm proud of what I was able to create.) I'm happy to have made it, but I know for a fact that it doesn't make much sense.

Part of my fear is that the audience will see just how lacking my film is and wonder what it's even doing up on that screen? I know there are plenty of entries that were better than mine but won't be shown. I think it's a shame, others will think it's a shame. I already know that mine is one of the weakest, if not the weakest, to be played that night—and that, to me, is embarrassing seeing as how prone I am to comparing myself to others sigh.

And then there's the fact that I am a nobody. I'm way too antisocial for my major, where mostly everybody knows one another.. and everyone's courageous and social and knows how to make connections. I'm also late because I just ended my 3rd year of uni but never really made friends or participated in anything or had any experience with filming until this semester. Because I hate standing out in real life, sometimes I'm grateful for my lack of presence or otherwise might go out of my way to stay invisible. But this is my first time making any kind of a splash and it's gonna be onto what I fear to be deaf ears. Aside from a few friends, nobody knows me. All of the other chosen films were made by people who are popular and experienced and .. nothing like me. :/ There's nobody to blame but myself, but it's just disheartening .. just a little sad that everybody else is so known and celebrated but I'm nothing and there's no anticipation on my front, which is deserved, I know. I wish I had done better. But this does motivate me to want to do better next time. I know I can. It'll happen.

On a positive note, this was my first time ever writing or producing or directing or editing a short film. And it's gonna be played for a paying audience in a movie theater. I had 0 filming experience before a month and a half ago. That's pretty cool. And I came out of nowhere but still made it, so I might potentially have the underdog thang going for me. I don't look forward to everyone eyebrow-raising at my n00biness, but it's kind of cool?

I'm rambling, surprising nobody

WOOOOW what a busy week it's been!! Maybe it's because I've generally been sleeping 4 hours a night on average and working almost nonstop during waking moments that even a few days ago felt like 2 weeks ago..?! I genuinely can't believe that the LA trip was only 9 days ago because it felt like a month has passed since then. Did I really just see CNBlue?!

After the trip, I really buckled down on productivity--especially related to my short film entitled Kelly, which I shot last weekend. My responsibilities at work have essentially doubled, so I've been finding myself always working past 6 despite not taking any breaks other than lunch, being under extreme rushed stress from 3 to 4, and having to leave some tasks incomplete until the next day. I was there until 8 yesterday and still couldn't finish everything. So FORGET ABOUT doing homework during my downtime at work like I used to omg. That shit is actually done at home now.

So prepping for the film included: writing a shot list (46 shots!!), writing an audio list, printing out script copies and highlighting parts for the cast, cleaning and reorganizing my entire bedroom, hiding almost all cables near the ground, vacuuming multiple times, even changing my bedsheets and taking down all anime posters, and trying to coordinate the people that would be helping me.

After class on Thursday, I picked up the filming equipment which btw was a huge pain in the ass because I had to keep a friend watching my car in the freight loading zone while I slowly pushed approximately 60 pounds of equipment in a giant ass cart through hallways of classbound students and onto a rickety (rumoredly haunted) elevator.

I spent that night familiarizing myself with the camera (which I'd only touched for the first time that day), experimenting with the aperture settings (Sony NXCAM sucks if you want shallow focus), and setting up and trying out different combinations of and locations for the lights. It hit midnight and I could hardly keep my eyes open... and then 2 AM and I somehow knocked out without having filmed anything and also didn't set any alarms for the next day aiyahhhhh OTL

After work on Friday, I headed over to my friend's dorm to help him film his project since he agreed to crew for mine. ;u; I was exhausted but I'm glad I chose to go because not only was it really fun (and I liked the company!), I learned a lot about using the equipment and different techniques for lighting. STILL bitter that our professor threw us out here with demands to produce and direct a whole high-quality short film even though we'd never had any practical experience with filming during class. Sure you can have us memorize information on 3-point lighting, but what good is that until you've actually tried to light something or until you learn that you can manipulate lights by bouncing them off walls/bounce cards/umbrellas/the ceiling? I DIDN'T KNOOOOW.

I got home that night around 11. Read a chapter for my screenwriting class and took the online quiz. And then off to work on my production!!

1 AM to 6 AM. Filmed all of my stuffed animal scenes.
It doesn't sound like a lot. It sounds quite easy, actually. But every change of angle means a change of lighting.... It means manipulating your space so that cables and equipment don't show up in your shot. Which is freaking hard because I had that damn tea party on the GROUND which means making all your shit defy gravity. And moving all of those lighting fixtures by myself was HARD. Q^Q All of my fingers became little red balloons from the heat and weight.

Finally slept at 7 and accidentally woke up at 10 because the new poster I taped on the wall above my bed (to temporarily replace all of my Tsubasa Chronicle ones) couldn't hold anddddddd fell on me AHAHA. Surprisingly wasn't feeling groggy! So I had lunch, showered, reorganized my footage from the night before, rushed out to pick up food and Karu, and then my lovely voice actors in the form of NYA came over~
I admit that it could've went smoother and I'm a horrible director because I'm incapable of describing the way I imagine things andddd I got really overwhelmed having to talk in front of the whole group and was too scared to demonstrate things SOB. But we finished a lot quicker than expected so we got dessert! By the time I got home after dropping someone off, it was past midnight and I spent the next few hours doing a rough edit of voice acting and prepping to film with the actress the next day (including a 3 AM vacuuming because I can't ask someone to act for me AND have them sit on a dirty floor !!).

So Sunday was finally the big day !!! My crew was awesome. The actress Kelly was amazing at acting as Kelly. It's just that the process was long, tedious, and hard. But at least I had two guys around to help me move all the lighting instead of me doing it all myself which should never happen again LOL. Again, I'm a shitty director who can't describe her visions.

Returned equipment yesterday morning, was up til 3 doing homework last night, worked all day today and still have to do some homework tonight, blah blah. Should get started on editing the film and lots of audio editing to do blah blah blah blargh. Still have a Gemini mix that's been waiting on me even though it was supposed to be done last month. Haven't even started writing my 35 page script for screenwriting. OTL

One positive thing though... At work, I've always felt like.. the one that people gave up on/don't trust because I'm studying nothing related to finance or business. I was told to pursue what I love because anything else is a waste of both my effort and that of those around me. Today, bossman gave me another talk and this time he said, "When you're a manager yourself, you'll learn that it's all about the method. One day when you've risen to a higher position..." and I just. ?!?! I mean, yes, my responsibilities have increased but I'm still the radio-tv-film kid that's always been side-eyed because of my major. I know I probably won't ever become a manager in the way that he spoke of because I don't have enough interest to pursue finance or business in the long term, but it's really encouraging to know that... I think I was just acknowledged as having the potential to do it. Wow. That really helps. It really does. I don't plan to have a future in this but thanks for thinking I can! Well I've been thinking that if I truly fail, I can try to fall back on finance/business with my experience. Except I don't want to go back and study it because that will all feel like bullshit once you've had practical experience in a real working environment.

I would also like to ask to be shot because I wrote a complicated code in Excel for the first time for a tracking log at work and now I think coding could probably be fun-- even though it was a frustrating process-- and I really don't have the time-- IT WAS REALLY COOL and I kind of shot my hands up in the air when I finally succeeded which caused my boss to srsly judge me BUT IT WAS SO COOL.

I TURN 21 YEARS OLD NEXT WEEk. WHAT.

Kelly

Ah! I've been meaning to share my treatment for my short film final project for my TV/Film Production class. ;v; The first draft script is due Thursday and I've modified the ending (which in turn affects a lot of the overall meaning actually) since writing this. But even though it's a school project, this film is something I'm excited to work on because 1) it gives me a chance to develop some cinematography skills after familiarizing myself with the school's fancy camera, 2) there's lots of audio editing! and 3) it tackles things that I want to express well: anxiety, paranoia, being self-blaming and self-withdrawn. And all without making my protagonist crazy in any way. After all, social anxiety haunts absolutely normal people; it doesn't mean that they have mental issues--just that they're overwhelmed by their fears, which are often self-inflicted. I hope I can produce something meaningful and artful. ;u; I have less than two months to do it, but I want to end up with something that I'll be proud of.

Now Playing:
"SLEEP DUST"
(composed and sung by Kazou)
Apparently, this song was inspired by Kelly. ;u; It's actually thanks to Kazou that I started thinking about how I wanted to depict social anxiety, so it's nice that the inspiration came around full circle.

My treatment:

     In a short film that explores the perceptual baggage carried by social anxiety, Kelly (18) has a tea party with a circle of stuffed animals. Alone in this quaint bedroom, Kelly shows signs of nervousness as if surrounded by a room full of outspoken peers. Initially, she is awkward but does respond passably to the conversation held by these stuffed animals, whose words are provided in voiceover. Throughout the tea party, the conversation is pleasant and of nothing spectacular.
     However, alongside the exchanges, an extra set of voices begins to appear, voicing the stuffed animals’ hidden thoughts—or rather, fabricated thoughts imposed onto them, written directly by Kelly’s fears. These thoughts serve to attack all of Kelly’s insecurities as the stuffed animals criticize and judge her, carefully notice even the slightest details, and make every one of Kelly’s actions and decisions out to be a mistake no matter what she does or attempts to fix them. One points out the dirt under Kelly’s fingernail, another berates her for wearing a certain color, one laughs at her choice of wording, and another doesn’t like the way she avoids eye contact. Clearly, they never wanted her there and find her to be awkward and a bother. 
     Eventually, these thoughts full of negativity drown out the actual conversation, which never drops from its pleasantly ordinary state. The film ends as Kelly gives in to the self-inflicted pressure in withdrawal—all that can be heard is a cacophony of criticisms, and she closes her eyes and drops her cup of imaginary tea to the sound of broken porcelain.