Ascension

Holy yesterday was just nearly unreal.

You couldn't imagine just how afraid I was yesterday when attending my university's student shorts film festival. I had long surpassed the point of nervously trembling and had submerged into absolute still and dark hopelessness. ;; I'm a coward. During my high school graduation, I was the only valedictorian that didn't make a speech. I don't regret my decision because I do know I wouldn't have been able to handle it, but that shows a lot about me and how I run away from things that frighten me. To be honest, part of me was debating withdrawing from the film festival after I found out that I was accepted HAHAHAHAH.................................. I know. I'm fucking crazy!! I was that scared!!!!!

And you know what. The film festival went 999999999999999% better than I expected. SIGH. I'M SO GLAD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT STILL.

I thought there'd be no reaction to my film, I thought people would outspokenly hate it, I thought people wouldn't get it or care or question the film and who I was and why I had even been accepted and I had no hope for people liking it and I genuinely thought I would be a disappointment.

But .. the audience was so open and welcoming. There was surprisingly a LOT of response.... They laughed at parts that I didn't think were funny in the tiiiiiniest bit??!?! There were gasps and "oh my god"s and "aw"s and "OOOOH"s and even loud guffawing and so much sympathy for the protagonist AND people applauded!!!! OMG. Yano and Kazou can vouch for me that I legit sat through the entire film with my hands on my cheeks and my mouth agape, LIKE AN ABSOLUTE FOOL because I was so overwhelmed in the positive way and shocked. Dude. THAT'S AMAZING. Even though I thought the film was kinda boring and not well produced and even though I'm an absolute inexperienced nobody in the realm in film, there was a reaction beyond twice or thrice of anything I would have ever expected!!

Still though, having my film presented in front of an audience and actually being in front of an audience are entirely different things.

After the relief about the showing took over, I moved on to my next worry LOOOOL which was when I realized that they'd be giving out awards at the end of the event.... and that that meant going up on the stage to accept the awards. Basically what happened:

Step 1: I specifically told my friends not to vote for my film for Audience's Choice because I didn't want to win an award.

Step 2: "By chance that I win an award, maybe I'll just pretend that I'm not here and they can skip over it."

Step 3: "Oh shit, everyone's going up to claim their awards. Please don't give me one."

Step 4: "Hey, I guess it doesn't look too bad. You just walk up and it's fine-- WAIT WHY are some people saying things into the microphone?!"

Step 5: "Okay, BY CHANCE that I win an award, maybe I'll go up there but I just won't make any kind of speech."

Step 6: "Or hm. Idk. What would I say even if I had to? That it was my first film so I'm honored? Yeah. But what if I stutter? Oh well, I don't expect to win anything so it's fine."

Step 7:

Get it? 'Cause it's a film festival of shorts......

WAIT...... They announced "Kelly" as the winner for Best Sound Design?!

Step 8: Stood up without hesitation and walked up as confidently as I could to the stage. Felt "hell yeah." Accepted my shorts.

Step 9: "Oh shit oh shit, they're asking me if I want to say anything-- I don't really-- wait-- no let's do it."

Step 10: I take the microphone and say this to an entire theater full of people: "This was my first ever film, so this is just a huge honor--thank you!" No stutter. My voice didn't break mid-sentence. I remembered to smile. I didn't look or sound like a wreck. Success.

Step 11: "WAIT WTF DID THE APPLAUSE JUST GET LOUDER AFTER I SAID THAT? OMG"

Step 12: I get off the stage and start walking back to my seat, and from all around me, people are congratulating me.... A group of people in the front row to the right shouted to me, "It was really good!" and a guy to my left shouted to me something about enthusiasm but I forget what. A whole audience was looking at me, but I felt good.

I DID ITTTTTTTT