[Update: The official VOD of the livestream can be found here!]
If you've perhaps read this twitter thread of mine then much of this post will sound familiar, since I'll be talking about the same things but expanding on it!
In February I made a huge, significant, crazy, unbelievable step upwards in my personal growth. 🥺🥺🥺
For starters, I was blessed to be cast to provide the voice for a character in a game!!
It's called NOISZ STΔRLIVHT, a mobile game for the NOISZ series which take on the genre mashup of visual novel x bullet hell x rhythm game. Out and playable now! ✨
It's full of cute idol girls and lovely LGBTQ stories told by a wonderful team of devs—and the main cast of STARLIVHT are all friends of mine from the youtaite community that I admire which is freaking amazing!!! They're KT (whom I hang out with very frequently irl now), Angela, k*chan, and Leon!
I'm in their rival idol group SUNR愛SE aka SUNRaiSE, alongside Phoebe (another irl friend!) and Snazzle/Niko who are both youtaite as well. 🥰☀️✨ Asuka-chan is the girl that I sing as~ My first paid vocal gig wowowow. Our songs aren't in the game yet but coming soon, apparently this month!
To celebrate the long-awaited launch of the game, we did something crazy.....
We held a livestream where all 4 members of STARLIVHT and all 3 of SUNRaiSE participated using live2D models of our characters !!! 😱😱😱😱😱
Admittedly when we were asked to appear on this stream, I was freaking out about it already since I have stage fright and a bad relationship with speaking... I'd misunderstood and agreed thinking I could just briefly pop in with "Hi I'm Eva, I provide the voice for Asuka" and allow others who are more comfortable with speaking to take over............ and then I found out that I had to act as Asuka.
Who is an overconfident, loudmouthed, cheerful, trendy, well-connected girl with "infectious energy," a longtime idol and pro on the stage. And I...am not an actor.... and I am absolutely none of those traits.
Ummm... Hi I'm Eva, and this is how I had to suddenly 1) conquer my stage fright, 2) learn how to act, 3) prepare myself to improv voice act, 4) overcome my fear of speaking, and 5) debut as a fake vtuber practically overnight.
I've been thinking lately that man.. with my insecurities, moderate skill levels, and lack of inclination towards pursuing a specialty, I'm really glad that I was born into the generation that I was—to have been part of the pioneers of the developing era of internet-based hobbies. Specifically in the area of creating covers and the audio/video production involved in it!
People argue that those starting out now have it easier due to the accessibility of resources and tutorials that didn't exist when we were first learning everything on our own—but let's be real, it's really rough to be a newbie posting any sort of content online in a landscape that's already fairly developed and where people are trained to look at numbers..... It takes thick skin that I don't know if I would have but I respect others for having. x__x
It was such a drastically different time when I was first posting covers back in middle school and high school... Admittedly I never look at analytics because 🤢 but I just peeked at the view history for one of my covers from 2010—and it had 8k views in its first year and 6k in its second year!! That's a LOT considering it's not a good cover by any means LOL. It's very telling of how much I benefited back then purely from the novelty of not many covers existing at the time (and especially those that were somewhat mixed; I did earn myself that advantage at least!).
So much has changed.. Back then, online "fandom" hubs were much smaller and also younger in average, standards were low because this stuff hadn't been done for very long yet, and DIY production wasn't nearly as accessible or an object of most people's interest. Nowadays the entire internet is pushing the unhealthy stigma that if you're not a content creator yourself, you're falling behind 💀
It makes sense that with so many things being created and available, everyone's expectations raised exponentially. Song covers, I think, were particularly hit hard by the loss of novelty—and I'm sure all youtaite will attest to this TT... It was a hot topic for a while and it led to many people sharing threads and playlists of covers they liked, which was awesome! Personally I especially enjoyed this playlist by AKA which is full of underrated gems 😭 I don't understand how so many of these talented, charming singers haven't gotten the attention they definitely deserve...
I often hear and even catch myself thinking, "I miss the times when we could quickly throw together covers and upload often and just enjoy the simplicity of it all!"
The counter: "Well you can just stop caring about others' opinions/views/engagement and just do it anyway!"
And I'd say that for others but ahh.... The problem for me then becomes that my own justification isn't about validation and more that it's hard for me to let go of my self-inflicted expectations of what I want to create 😔 Especially since I've been doing this for so long, I'm less forgiving on myself than towards those less experienced and I would hate for anyone or for myself to think, "After all this time this is the best you can do?" ;; (I know it was a compliment but I was a little embarrassed when someone said that I deserved more subs for someone who's been at it for this many years..)And for me in particular, I was able to skirt by without being necessarily a good singer when standards were lower—though it was always the case that I made up for it by doing a lot of other things like rapping, mixing, animating, filming/editing videos—but now I don't know if I can go back to just singing and uploading it because it wouldn't be anything interesting ksdjfkfdsj Whenever I upload, I keep thinking that I want to show something near the best that my abilities have to offer and I do lament that it takes me so long to finish anything, especially big projects that I really want to put my all into and end up intimidating myself with. There are some ambitious [scary] things I still want to do... This mindset of chasing novelty and personal perfection is admittedly unhealthy hh.
Still I'm in a position where even if I'm not polished at any of them, at least I've learned the elementary basics of many skills—though I actually do want to venture into more dancing and try drawing again!—and have built a great network/community that would probably support me. 😭
I imagine that for those just starting out in singing/mixing/animating/etc it can be easily discouraging, especially when comparing themselves to those who are more experienced, and especially especially if they're young and impressionable and only know the current competitive climate of content creation (the CCC of CC!! goodbye)—they may likely end up dropping their pursuits before even getting a chance to grow which takes time.
The internet is full of more than a decades' worth of my scrappy, cringy, developing, budding attempts at doing Stuff and I think without them I wouldn't have made it to where I am on my path now! :>
Yet I wonder what would've happened if I were my younger self in the present timeline just learning things and if I would've been discouraged by own utter mediocrity..? I guess if I do go forward with trying to learn digital art as a complete newbie, we'll find out what happens there (I am very intimidated by this lolol and don't look forward to finding out how shitty I am at it and reconfirming what I already know about how I have no aptitude for artistry or aesthetics and how much effort it'll take for me to improve and whether I can expend that effort ☠️) ..
There's one more thing that I feel like I unfortunately have an advantage in, which is having grown up without caring about views or subs/followers—before the internet started preying this hard on creators who now can't help but measure their success in numbers. Especially when I look over into the vtubing sphere, I think it's amazing that a whole new hobby grew up out of the ground and is blooming and now this whole new generation gets to grow and learn with it! They get to be surrounded by everyone else who is also scuffing which is a natural thing! But oh man I do be concerned seeing how much the numbers game is affecting a lot of people and how much they take it personally TT I hope they can see that there's more to it than numbers imply.
The bottom line I guess is just that everyone regardless of experience could use more encouragement + patience and the reminder that growth takes time. Recently people's kind words gave me the courage to look back at some of my covers and it made me think: you know what, even if I don't bring the greatest skill or quality, I'm really really glad that I've made everything that I've made and that I try all the things that I try 💙
[Hello!! I wrote this post throughout the beginning of October about the things I was dealing with in August/September and how I took those experiences to try to work on my mental health—and it was going fairly well...! Sadly all my progress was suddenly brought to a halt and torn down when our pet birds unexpectedly passed ;;; I still want to publish this post though as part of my diary and hopefully I'll be able to pick up where I left off sometime!]
Without a doubt I've been procrastinating writing this post and I can't really explain why LOL...... I'm definitely proud of these uploads—it's not the case where after uploading I feel so embarrassed about my work that I avoid the video for months, which definitely happens... Maybe it's because I dedicated a whole tireless month to working on just cover projects (aka worked my ass off to get these out before Animal Crossing took over my life) so as soon as I was done, I wanted to be absolved of any effort or responsibility related to them for a while? Hm idk... Or perhaps it's because I'm proud of them that it feels weird to admit so and write about it in detail? ^^;; There's a lot I want to say...
Two big uploads that mean a lot to me!!! 💓
The moment I heard Elsa sing Show Yourself on my first viewing of Frozen 2, I just knew it was a song I wanted to sing. Frozen holds a permanent residency and large real estate in my heart for being what helped me explore my feelings and heal through a difficult time—and I just love Elsa and the whole icy motif (metaphorically and aesthetically) and the two sisters' different experiences with isolation and being honest with oneself. The first film is a masterpiece. 😭
The sequel is...fine? good'ish? But on my second viewing of it I sobbed through Show Yourself... I like the lyrics a lot! My favorite line is "I have always been a fortress, cold secrets deep inside" aaah it just resonates with me so hard...... In many ways I try to be pretty open—like how I share my thoughts and experiences on this blog!—but in many other ways I seem to always be keeping my walls and guard up. Have been criticized for that before by someone who was one of the most important people to me at the time ;; And honestly around everyone who doesn't know about my singing, weeb, and k-pop interests, I'm extremely secretive and not comfortable with talking about my interests... >< thus it's hard for me to form a close relationship with anyone outside of this circle or anyone from whom I fear judgment. And due to my thorny personality I'm often described as an ice queen which certainly has its negative connotations but I've embraced and like the nickname haha.
I also really love the build-up of the song—it made it super fun to sing because there's such a variety of emotions and range to it ^^!! I especially looove singing low and emotional and chilly, and then there's an arc of self-realization and then breathy AND THAT SUPER HIGH OPERATIC FALSETTO I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD DO and then slightly warmer and then strong! until I'm belting and sadly can't even reach the notes without mixed(?) voice hahaha. And with Disney songs, you can be emotive and nuanced in ways that poppy songs often don't allow: there's somberness, there's reservation, there's wonder, reflection, curiosity, confidence, openness!
I'm so, so, so happy that I covered this song. ;u; Recently I started feeling a lot like I wasn't sure in my own singing capabilities and to be frank, in a lot of collabs I've been in, I'm not that happy with how my singing or vocal tone sounds compared to everyone else? Even if I do redoes, sometimes it feels like I'm hitting a wall. It just kinda feels like GOD FINALLY I got to actually sing and show people some of my strengths!!! Like real singing that I'm proud of!!! 😭😭
Phew okay I practically just wrote an essay LOL. One last thing-- I used to do multi-language covers often (or at least just posting more covers in different languages and recently I've only been doing JP and KR) AND I DID NOT FREAKING REALIZE. It's been ten years since my last multi-language cover.............. jeebus...................... Let's not think about that too hard! Anyway I learned while working on Show Yourself that I basically don't know anything about any language lol. Especially with the added pressure of knowing that viewers would more pay attention to my pronunciation than usual and with this somewhat more classical style there's less room for fudgery than in poppy songs. . . it was a long struggle learning to better deliver the different accents in all these languages. Still much to improve on. Bless Fome for not only making me sound good with this mix but also teaching me some of the nuances in the Japanese and Mandarin that I missed!
Anyway here's the video I just wrote a thesis on. Queen Elsa rocks.
【Eva】 Show Yourself / Frozen II ❄️ 【5 Language Cover】
Now the second upload is even more special !!!! Nine years ago, 5 friends and I decided to join a competition (unofficial chorus battle) called DUBattle Royale with the group name Gemini, because among our group we had many "vocal twins" and we blend extraordinarily well together. What a fucking beautiful thing it is that the six of us can still sing together after all these years..... I call them my first found family because they really are that to me—I know that regardless of the ebb and flow in our changing lives, I can always still count on them to have my back and cherish that special bond that only we can understand. We were hoping to have a group meetup again in Toronto late this year but with the pandemic there's no way so maybe next year for our 10th anni. :>
So yeah we sang this amazing IDOLiSH7 song that's about flying high, smiling together to overcome challenges, having courage, and reaching for our dreams together !
Our anniversary date unfortunately fell on the day that shelter-in-place was first announced in the US and in general there was a lot of grief and anxiety on social media—so as a group we discussed if we should hold off on the upload/if it would be tonedeaf to sing something so cheery in these worrisome times, but in the end we decided that it might be a welcome breath of fresh air for some people who were looking for some light in the darkness? ;; Thankfully I think we were right ;;;; To hear that we helped cheer up some folks makes this video even more meaningful than it already was. I love it a lot.
We were super fortunate to get to collaborate with an incredible visual team (I call them the visual fairies!) who are all sweet and skilled as heck and I greatly treasure their friendship too. 😩 The video is so gorgeous..... Look at all these pretty pastel colors........ Our characters and different personalities were captured so well.... The clothing designs are perfect for all of us..... The camera movements are expertly smooth and the video is just sparkly good vibes all around. I would absolutely work with pash, kayla, and azuka again without hesitation anytime, anywhere. 😭
Fun fact: every Gemini member has a strong preference towards girl idols lololol so we end up singing a lot of songs that cater more to the girls' ranges and voices. But for this one we girls have been like, "YESSSS OUR BOYS GET TO SHINE SO MUCH!! GET ITTT!!!" hehehe Jay especially is the standout in this song—he is the center of this comeback!! 💚
Oh and also I mixed............. the mix evolved a lot lol. We started recording this a long time ago and my mixing style and what I want to convey in this mix has changed a shit ton throughout the working period. I ended up settling on this wide sound with the vocals not too pushed forward, still bright but not overly crispy, fullness in the mids/lows, wet prechoruses but dry choruses. There's definitely something here that's preventing this mix from being on the level of professional that Fome is able to achieve in his mixes—I'm certainly hitting somewhat of a wall... but given my lack of advanced knowledge and not having as much in my toolkit compared to many other mixers, I'm overall kind of satisfied with the mix? It's pretty contained and doesn't make me cringe? lol
Looking forward to Gemini's 10th anniversary project~ 💞
Writing this is 26-year-old Eva who has been working in video production for 4 years now and is still blogging, doing online karaoke, and many of the things you already loved in your time! And I have some pretty exciting news. :>
Sixteen-year-old junior in high school, huh? I imagine this must have been the time when I felt the most pressure about figuring out my future; yet having absolutely no idea, no real ambitions, no pull of direction in the slightest, not even the expectation of staying alive for too much longer...
Well good news! I not only survived—this Eva is now living strong, and she's not who you would've ever expected to become.
Hi! Feels like it's been forever since I last blogged. I've been overwhelmed with work which doesn't leave much to blog about... And then I sort of wanted to write something after Sulli's death but didn't think I could write a post worthy of properly honoring her. Bless her beautiful, brave soul and may her next world treat her better. ❤️ I miss her.
So work things.. I got a raise and lots of kind words from my bosses last week! And then just spent a week on an intense, exhausting, albeit inspiring business trip working on another science fair video. Super proud of those kids and I even made friends with this really sweet, smart, charismatic girl who kept calling me beautiful, I'm soft 🥺🥺 At the end, she won a $10,000 prize so during her interview I got to tell her I was proud of her (also told her mom that she has a wonderful daughter!) and she gave me a hug. 💞 This time I not only did all of the editing, I also was the boom operator on some of the interviews AND—this is a first!—I shot a bit of the footage myself!! Just for a few hours when our main camera person had tons of other things to shoot. It was.....a lot. I'm not that happy with the video but I suppose it was the best I could do in those circumstances. Over 4 days, I worked for 49 hours and didn't sleep nearly enough 😭 so as soon as I walked through the front door upon coming home, I immediately laid down on the floor LOL. So...non-functional.....
Here's me after working until 7 AM, sleeping for 4 hours, making client changes and madly editing for another 4 hours to make my final deadline, helping my coworker instead of napping, and immediately having to get ready for the fancy dinner ceremony where my video was played.
On the plane, I watched Toy Story 4 and very unexpectedly found myself strongly relating to Woody... We're both stubbornly loyal, don't like change, and have a complex about needing to feel useful. And we will sacrifice ourselves for the sake of these things. :c That last one especially is a problem, is the cause of workaholic behavior, and can be a confidence-killer for no good reason when you feel like you're not useful enough in a certain aspect—even if you're doing swell in other aspects. Idk, I've been feeling kind of down about myself for some reason and want to remind myself that I am enough, I am worthy, I don't have to be responsible for everything (honestly lately been feeling a little crushed under the pressure of feeling responsible for everything and everyone ^^;;), I don't need to be particularly good at anything, I don't have to keep proving myself to others, I am special and wanted. Dammit.
[a complete lie i'm not listening to this right now i think i would totally be overwhelmed w/ emotions if i heard this atm LOL but i looped it a lot before and love this song and the visuals to death ugh play this at my funeral pls]
Earlier this week I finally finished the 13 episode run of probably my new second-favorite anime, Irozuku Sekai no Ashita kara (aka Iroduku: The World in Colors) 💖💖💖 First will always be Tsubasa Chronicle haha.
I really feel like this anime was made specifically for me!!! There's too many specific things about it that I particularly love or can identify with—it's such a treat for both the eyes and the soul. In a previous post I already talked about how much I'm completely whipped for every single aesthetic/conceptual/thematic aspect of this show: the magic, the colors, the photography, the magic shop, the children's book illustrations, the sparkly star sand, the wholesome friendships and gentle romance... All of it is what makes up the atoms in the deepest crevices of my half-frozen heart.
It brings back so much of what I loved as a child, and what I want to keep within me, and I realized that that might be why I'm unwilling to re-brand myself despite my alias "waterpixieva" being from 15+ years ago. That's something I just thought of today, that maybe I don't want to "grow out of" being the person who identified as Water Pixie. ;o; I already mentioned this in my other post but felt like writing about it again: my childhood character Water Pixie owned a magical healing potion shop! And also was a part-time leader of a spy agent team but that's unrelated to anything LOL. In elementary school, my dream was to be a children's book author and illustrator, and then turn my Pixies stories into an animated series. This vague sense of direction helped push me towards working in video/audio production and I also feel a strong connection to photography as I grew up always equipped with a camera and devotion to capturing memories.
Now that I've finished the series I realized that the overarching theme is really about the protagonist Hitomi breaking out of her shell. The story begins with her living in gray—literally as she's colorblind but also emotionally since she's very guarded, is pessimistic, unconfident, cannot smile, is socially isolated, and hates that she's a mage. Her journey is about discovering the beauty and colors in the world and in herself, and I feel this really resonates with my own journey in the past few years... ;;
...to become a brighter and warmer person, be less embarrassed and more expressive about being myself around people, to be able to pull myself out of pessimistic thoughts, try to find and cherish those little sparks of happiness everyday, to no longer feel bored of the world/of living, to notice wonderful things in my surroundings and in my life. ✨
I always think back to this blog post from 2017 (a year and a half before Irozuku aired!) in which I write about my coworker who marveled at how cool the clouds looked that day!!!! I envied her shining interest in the world, her ability to see beauty in things that I found to be mundane and uninspiring. "I realized that maybe I'm not necessarily bored of life... I'm just not paying enough attention to life?" In my quest to change, one of my challenges to myself was to pay more attention to colors around me! (Are we sure Irozuku wasn't written specifically for me?) I remember to do this from time to time when I'm feeling impatient; it's an ongoing challenge. In fact I'm still working on all of those things I listed earlier but I think I've still come a long way ❤
Anyway, here are some more screencaps I've saved from Irozuku hehehehe I want to do a rewatch just to save more pretty frames!
I was in a collab of LOONA's debut song Hi High as Choerry!! Bless the Torangi crew for continuing to actively organize and finish k-pop collabs in this landscape of dying projects ;v; We've been at it for a looooong time and I'm happy that they still invite me back. I really like this collab because everyone sings with a lot of energy and suits the song well, plus I love LOONA 💗
Helloo I'm now writing this post on the plane on my way to DC for my first business trip since my lung collapse in October. So far this morning has already been absolutely horrific but at least I still have both of my lungs? The large vehicle we ordered to take us to the airport turned out too small for all of our equipment so I had to carry my luggage on my lap... except it's not exactly a small suitcase, so from the passenger seat it SOMEHOW would keep pushing the gear into neutral while we were driving—which is absofuckinglutely terrifying and such an unsafe car design flaw, what the fuck!!! So I had to hold up my suitcase for the entire 50 minute hellish drive to the airport, literally hanging on for dear life until my arms became numb. It was raining too so if we had gone into neutral and slid on the freeway, we probably would've been in a terrible accident. Oh my god!!! Also I was feeling nauseated since my body can't handle lack of sleep anymore, and I barely slept because of finishing everything I needed to do before leaving for a week. ><
The entire month of February for me was a project grind month. 💪 It's super wonderful that Gemini is active and will be uploading soon! My chorus battle group is doing great as well! But I realized that I need to sharpen my time management if I want to be able to do everything that I want to do. I don't understand how some people accomplish so much in a day—I often feel like my time passes me by and I always fall behind or have to sacrifice something or the other.
I've been putting in a lot of effort to keep myself from being stressed/burnt out or unhappy and I'm very proud of that. ;v; Instead of being a workaholic, I've been trying to make sure that every moment is meaningful to me. This mentality has helped me a lot! Basically I've been multitasking a ton, cutting out the "fat" in my day, and no longer have productivity guilt when I'm not working. I don't have to feel like I'm wasting my time when I watch shows, because that enjoyment is still meaningful to me. ^^
While animating, I started watching/listening to shows in the background and that's done wonders so that I no longer feel like, "Ugh the whole day passed and I just worked and had no fun." When transitioning between tasks or doing chores, I started always listening to music and the endless kpop albums I'd been meaning to check out for forever. I've been so consciously efficient about everything, I feel like I don't even stop to think anymore without something happening at the same time whether it's music or a render/mixdown or the microwave running LOL.
Another lifestyle change is that I've climbed out of the sinkhole that is scrolling through twitter and looking at random things out of convenience rather than genuine interest, then refreshing my TL and continuously waiting for something interesting. Nope, I don't wanna give away my precious time like that anymore! And no more constantly checking discord and skype and /waiting/ for messages. I only be distracted by social media when I want to!!! The new Eva says no more just dawdling around, no more dumb sulking, no more waiting, no more being too lazy to take action. Gotta fill my days with good things, efficient productivity, entertainment, and plenty of sleep 💖
Also.......... I kind of forgot that this happened back in June. TL;DR I saw recordings of myself dancing and it completely shattered all of my newly built confidence in it. It was Nekkoya and watching Produce48 that willed me to try dancing again despite that—and I even wrote that Nekkoya made me think, "Maybe I will try to do a dance cover again," after I said like 7 years ago that I'd never post a dance cover again LOL.
I really must have grown a lot because I didn't think toooo much about posting my Nekkoya dance cover... Of course, I went through the cycle of uncertainty and thought it through to make sure I was comfortable with this footage going public, but it wasn't like, "HOLY SHIT I'M SO NERVOUS THIS IS MY FIRST REAL DANCE COVER OUT ON THE INTERNET SINCE I QUIT EIGHT YEARS AGO WHAT IF THIS RUINS MY LIFE!!!" and just posted it feeling like it was a normal thing for me to be comfortable with people seeing me dance and for me to be posting dance covers to over 1000 followers.
Wow. So this was my first real dance cover out on the internet since I quit dance covers eight years ago. Cool! I'm proud of me! I've come a long way physically and mentally! ^^
WOW I AM BACK ALREADY!! I posted the thing I mentioned in my last blog that I had worked on and would be putting out soon yay!
asdfddj i'm rly late at this point celebrating #IZONE1stWin but here's a bit of my attempt to dance Nekkoya from Produce48 from a few months ago along with a quick cover ✨ pic.twitter.com/ggSqreqtMT
This was the dance I filmed at Fome's band's studio back in September ;v; Before my injury/surgery, I kept thinking maybe I'd practice Nekkoya more and find a time to re-film it but now I really don't know when I'll be okay enough to try dancing again... It's honestly becoming frustrating that it seems like I would be almost fully functional, but I'm really not close to being normal ;; I hit my limit last night just trying to reach my phone charger that was on the ground while I was in bed, and today I had to call my parents to ask them to help me carry my laptop bag into the house because my chest hurt too much for me to handle the weight. orzzzz Anyway, when I eventually get better, I'll get back into dancing weekly with dance friends! By then I'll probably move on and work on other dances so I thought it'd be a waste if I never did anything with this recording and with how passionate I was about practicing Nekkoya back then. ;o;
I yolo recorded the vocal cover just four days after I was discharged from the hospital LOL. It's really the biggest shame that I was literally using this song to practice my endurance and live singing (initially it was my ultimate goal to sing it live while dancing), only to have it all erased by my lung collapsing...... Although I probably didn't actually have the time to do it, it's regretful that I didn't record it when I was in full condition. Still, I was honestly surprised that I was even able to sing this much right after a lung surgery LOOOL
Lately I've been thinking a lot about making a mix tutorial/breakdown sort of video, so I wanted to share something that I found interesting while mixing this! It's crazy how big a difference different mixing styles make.
Initially I had intended for the vocal cover to be eextreeeemely low effort—and the recording process was indeed low effort...kind of. More like it took my body effort to physically be able to sing, but then I was like, "eh it sounds decent i guess ok moving on to the next line" and didn't record any harmonies. I thought I could get away with a fairly low effort mix too since this was just a fun thing for twitter/blog. ^^;;
What I ended up doing was tuning, timing, panning my doubles out 10% (one double -3 dB quieter than the other), putting these effects on my vocals bus, making volume adjustments for the most noticeable parts, and doing minimal mastering. (Alright~ it's actually a lot but I consider it to be fairly low effort because I usually manually go through everything to do a pass of clean-up, volumes, and EQ... This time I relied mostly on effects that just worked across all the vocal tracks, and I didn't fine-tune the settings as much as usual.)
So starting with 3 compressors which I made strong bc low effort and hopefully means I don't have to make as many volme adjustments. Multiband compressor to bring down parts that were too mid heavy. EQ to just slightly boost highs and cut lows and mids. C6 Stereo is a multiband compressor by WAVES that I find to be good at making things sound more balanced and polished even with low effort. :'D And then some delay and reverb.
For mastering, I used Izotope Ozone and all I did was use the Maximizer (aka you pull down one handle and the mix magically sounds better!!) and then used gating in the Dynamics module to bring out the bass in the instrumental, basically by doing the opposite of compression.
What I ended up with was this mixdown which I really thought was going to be the final mix. Because low effort!
Fast forward two weeks when I finally slapped this mix on the video and realized that I wanted to redo the mixing LOL... It may be ""low effort"" but demo 1 is mixed (and I think would've been acceptable for another kind of song)—yet when I went with a different approach it sounds drastically different and in my opinion, way more fitting for this particular song.
I find it really interesting that even though I didn't re-sing anything, just because of the way it's mixed, demo 1 sounds way more expressive and energetic than the final! (Truthfully I even think I sound like a better/stronger/more interesting singer here..) Somehow making it sound more robotic and uniform just fit the song much better in the end. The first thing I needed to get rid of was all of my strong breaths at the end of notes—they made me sound constantly short of breath, because well..I really was lol...... That part I had to do manually. =_= High effort but made a huge difference! I also went back and re-tuned a bunch of parts that were off lolol.
The biggest game changer was sort of diluting the vocals and making it sound like there were more of them (thus weakening the focal point) and making them blend more into the instrumental. This I did by adding the WAVES effect Doubler4 Stereo [settings], making the instrumental louder, and using the two multiband compressors to kill a bunch of the mids.
Because twitter video can be ass, you can also listen to my final mix here~ Oops, this ended up really long. If anyone is interested in this kind of stuff and wants to discuss anything, do feel free!
An update on my lung collapse/hospital situation which you can read more about on my last post~ TL;DR version: They found more blisters in my lungs so I had a minor surgical procedure done on Monday to prevent them from inevitably popping later—it's been a painful recovery process, but now I've been discharged and will be finishing recovering at home!
The "nobody asked for it to be this long" version:
A quick warning that compared to my last post, I'll be documenting a lot more detail and negative experiences in this one so no need to read if you're not comfortable!!! It's all in the past so no worries. ^^
Helloo, here I am, trying to make good on that goal to blog at least once a week...
The newest of the new is that I just finished watching the anime Revue Starlight, like, 15 minutes ago. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS ANIME....WHAT.. It's got a uniquely cool concept, was pretty entertaining, definitely kept me guessing, amazing visuals, but...... major storytelling issues. I'd recommend checking out at least an episode or two for the surprises if you're unfamiliar with the show, but not sure I'd endorse the whole series tbh.
One motif that this show slams in your face repeatedly is "losing your shine" and somehow it's something I relate to right now? In the show's context, it's about musical theatre girls losing sight of why they perform, no longer able to enjoy it, no longer able to mount the stage with admirable, passionate brilliance. The more they discussed it, the more I was reminded of my burnout right now ;;.... After my last post, I took it easy a lot more—I got deep into watching Marvel analysis videos and rewatching the movies now equipped with more knowledge of what's going on THE MCU IS SO MAGNIFICENTLY RICH—and then I started getting very busy. I thought I was recovering from the burnout, but I was wrong. I'm tired and it's only going to get busier for me soon, what with an upcoming 10 PM shoot (it's a volunteer project so I still have work that day orz) and one of those crazy edit-all-day-all-night business trips. It tires me out just thinking about what the next two weeks will be like ;;; I'm all doom and gloom and no shine.
I am very fortunate that I was able to forge a career path out of the few interests that I had. There's nothing that I regret about turning my hobby into my job and I definitely don't want to take that for granted! But the flip side of that coin is that when I overdo it with the hobbies, they don't feel like hobbies anymore.... There's definitely lots that I love about video production, but right now I temporarily don't have the energy to feel that spark. ;n; One of my favorite things that I've done is when I yolo drove to the beach an hour away after class one day in 2015, filmed myself lipsyncing Lovelyz' "For You" for my cover, and filmed some bottles in the sand against the sunset. I can pick out lots of issues now with the camerawork and editing—but that is such a beautifully cherished memory and project. I LOVE that I actually did that! ;u; And that's not to say that I don't love the projects I've been working on, but it's rather that having to spend hours upon hours upon hours in Adobe Premiere makes me not really look forward to spending more hours in it. Which I have to for my job, at which I've been really low energy and I'm just doing my best to keep up good work despite that. Currently I can't fantasize about doing cool projects in the future. I wouldn't have that same drive to execute a passion project the way I did for "For You." It's actually pretty cool the projects that I've been able to work on and there are lots of great opportunities and causes; I just need a little time to recuperate so that I can leave this cycle of spending my days tired out from my nights and my nights tired out from my days.
Man, last week, my thoughts hit me like a truck. I've always said that I'm not good at having fun, but I suddenly tripped and fell down a deep well of sadness when I finally put into words that I'm perhaps a workaholic and haven't lived many experiences despite being at my prime. Which escalated into, "What do I even do for fun...? Recently, nothing??? How often do I even relax..? What do I even enjoy....?" and I realized that this ties a lot into the emotional fragility and stress I've been living lately that I didn't know how to shed until now. It's sure tough to try to be an independent and collected gal when you no longer have things to spend your own time doing that you enjoy. ^^;; I personally don't think I'd be able to live without productive hobbies—there's still a lot more desire and fulfillment to explore in creating content and doing singing projects...but..I have to admit I guess it burned me out to spend tiring hours at my job working on videos, then coming home and working on more videos for hours. And I haven't had many outlets to break up the tension. ;; The "unproductive" hobby I've held onto is watching youtube videos and variety shows, but at times it even felt like a chore to look for something to watch because there's nothing I've been invested in since Produce48 ended. I don't play any games right now, and I'm honestly discouraged by my lack at skill in games and the time commitment. And I hadn't necessarily felt a shortage of socializing with friends because there had been lots of events for the end of summer, and I took advantage of my extra time at home to get things done—but it's also sadly true that I hadn't..done anything spontaneous with any friends or anything chill or just for fun or just to be in each other's company outside of events for a while.
So now I am on a journey to find more things to enjoy and to do more things for me~ For starters, I finally started Of Fire and Stars, which was the book I mentioned before was "hard to make time" for, and I'm loving that I'm able to spend time reading again. ^^ This book is about magic and two princesses that fall in love so I enjoy that, and up next I'll probably read To All The Boys I've Loved Before since the movie was delightful. After a long time of thinking it could be nice to put up fairy lights in my room, I finally last minute threw some into my Amazon cart and THEY'RE AMAZING. Since I was a kid I always wanted to feel like I had sort of a fort or my own space made for fantasizing and escaping from the world. *^* Now that I have a suuper comfortable mattress (I got a Purple half a year ago and it's the best ever!!) and some adorable lights to accompany my Lovelyz wall, it feels like I have a nice space to just relax and feel safe. Be under the blankets and read a book. Listen to ASMR. Just sit and be calmed by the certainty and rhythm of how the lights slowly glow brighter...and slowly dim.
I think it'll also be very helpful that I'm blogging more often again! Honestly, I've been meaning to write this post for a couple days and was looking forward to spending the time to do it. (Something came up so workaholicism came back and rendered no time to blog..... I just want to get this one more thing done soon and then I'll take a good break from video editing outside of work to recuperate for a bit. ^^;;) Anddd when Maplestory 2 launches in a couple weeks, I'm gonna plan on trying it to see if I can play casually. I should get back to finishing my Gundam too. I'm getting quite into AKB48 and its sister groups (mostly HKT but NMB is catching my eye now) so that might become a great endless source of entertainment! :D Also going to combat my "make no detours on the way home so I can get back and work on stuff/because I'm tired" mentality by giving in to more cravings and little indulgences. Shake things up with little nudges at the very least.
What else I can do as relaxing/fun hobbies is still in the process of being figured out, but from this past week I already feel so much lighter, so much more free and more secure, much less susceptible to feeling lonely or empty, because I'm trying to focus more on myself and appreciate the small things that I do enjoy.
Ahhh, where do I even start... I can't remember the last time I was this happy and satisfied with my life. ;u; Not sure why but I feel like I'm more in tune with myself than ever. I can't remember if I ever felt like, "Wow I am a healthy person!" the way I do now. It's probably good luck and good timing that a combination of things has led me to this, and I hope I don't take it for granted haha. I feel worry-free, I feel proud, I feel confident and self-empowered, I feel loved, and I feel like I have things I enjoy and look forward to. It's crazy.
So let's start with my I Wish collab, because I feel that it was likely a trigger in all of this... In my last post, I said my confidence in mixing took a nosedive, so I was pretty scared about getting back into this mix. ;A; But as I did, I realized that I really didn't hate the mix...? All I remembered was my dissatisfaction and struggle with it, so I had low expectations, but honestly I hadn't done a bad job at all...? So I spent about 5 days working on it more, took advice, redid the mastering, improved it, and just kind of threw in the towel when I was riding up against my self-determined deadline for the evening before Valentine's LOL. I'd say considering my current ability, I'm about 95% satisfied with the mix, which is pretty amazing!!!!!! There was so much frustration that I was hitting my limits, so I thank the heavens that I might still yet have potential in me. Also, I was pretty scared about the animation, because I'm really not experienced in animating and the standards for both aesthetics and technicality have risen ridiculously high (due to animators' hard work, respect) in this community. In the end, I've accepted that it's really not bad for being my first animation in AE and for being primarily a mixer/vocalist. Some seemed to like it a lot, yay ;o; <3
I'm really happy about this collab... All 12 of the other girls in it are suuuuch sweethearts, super supportive and gracious, and wow their voices. *___* They're all fantastic and I'm grateful they agreed! I'm glad to see them receiving love and extra recognition through this. ♥ One of my favorite things is that I was privileged to be in a place where I could invite and bring together friends from different communities—so I was able to have friends (and a new friend I stalked down because I liked her voice LOL) from the youtaite community, long-time friends with whom I've been singing since 2010 (Zoey and Chiisana since 2007 actually!), and some friends that I met in 2016 through the k-pop coverist competition PRODUCE90. That's a super beautiful thing to me ;____; And the adorable art makes me clutch my heart!
And of course, I'm proud that I was able to complete this collab at all. It's actually been hitting me with a lot of guilt throughout the past year, whenever I had to deprioritize it in favor of other projects, whenever it was me that was holding up the entire thing... I had wondered if I was wrong to be so ambitious to be organizing, mixing, animating, rapping in, and recording additional harmonies for a 13-person collab. The more time went by without me completing it, the more I felt I was failing—and I also didn't have the confidence that I could make it up to expectations. But ultimately... in this economy when most non-chorus battle collaborations never see the light, I'm glad I could shine some on this one. ^^
HONESTLYYYY it was good luck more than anything that I happened to be able to finish it up right around Valentine's Day, which I believe helped it get such good reception for being a collab of a kpop song most have never heard of before LOL!! I'm so grateful for how well it was received, like ;_____; it exceeded my expectations tenfold. ;___; There was so much love! Not to mention that I don't have any expectations for my youtube channel anymore, because I'm pretty much a washed up unspectacular person whose subs are mostly from ancient times and I cover mostly kpop despite being most active in a non-kpop community, and I've basically come to accept that it'll be this way until there's a turnaround. The amount of views/likes/retweets may not match up to others' works, but for me, it was shocking. Thank you.
It truly reminded me of how supportive and full of love the people around me are. ;o; It felt like it was the birthday of me and everyone else in the cast!
As for everything else in my life... After a few weeks of work being very stressful and deadline-ridden, it's been slow and chill for the past 2 weeks, which I've uh been taking advantage of LOL... I know it's going to get busy again soon, so I'm enjoying this. Typically I'd feel guilty over not being productive enough.. and I always feel like a failure for how late I can't drag myself out of bed until and how late I get to work...... but lately, I still think, "Wow I did amazing anyway!" Q^Q I'm quite pleased with myself for taking care of myself and how good I feel about myself despite whatever. I'm in such a good mental and emotional condition that I was able to shake off something that would usually put me in an unhappy and toxic mood. I haven't let physical discomforts get me down either. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm grateful for it right now. I also feel that I've found a good balance of doing good towards others, without giving away too much of myself, which is pretty important to me after how burnt out I was for a while. I'm glad I have time to spend on hobbies and indulgent fangirling—they bring me a lot of joy. I think I'm more comfortable with myself now. The other day, I noted how green the hills were and thought that a cloud looked cool, which I wouldn't have said a year ago!! I'm proud that I've been going to kpop dance class weekly and that my acid reflux has diminished a lot since I started going on a diet for it. AND!!!!! I might be doing a new solo after all, since I felt like recording it and actually enjoyed it ^^.... It's been a while since I truly enjoyed recording. I'm happy that I can work on passion projects, that I can feel "inspiration."
Also I think it's worth noting that right now I'm happy about the friends I have and—gross moment—about how wonderfully blissful and strong my relationship is. I owe a lot to Fome.
YEAH OKAY WELL HERE'S "I WISH" PLEASE APPRECIATE THE 12 BEAUTIES I GOT TO SING WITH!!! <3333
Just a little thing I wanted to share~ A few days ago, my company did an exercise to stir our creative “design thinking,” in which we got into pairs and interviewed each other about the last gift we gave… which ended up going deeper into our gift-giving tendencies and mindset, how these were shaped by how we grew up, what the experience feels like for us. Then we had to draw as many sketches as possible, followed by building a physical “prototype” or model, as a solution for our partner’s problem/what they’re trying to achieve. My partner’s problem that I decided to address was how—although she does genuinely love being able to give things to everyone in her life—it’s a responsibility that can stress her out. And she often feels that her gifts aren’t big/good enough? :c
As our building materials, we dug out whatever we had in the office LOL so a lot of Lego’s, paper clips, paper, forks…. So I made her a model out of Lego’s! :’D I represented her as a Lego person, standing next to a mailbox because that was the first Lego object I found that worked as a container haha. Inside the mailbox were a bunch of little golden goblets, because for some reason we had an abundance of those in our kit. And the Lego person was surrounded by a handful of more Lego people, representing her loved ones, each holding an identical little golden goblet. My solution for my partner was for her to always remember and not to undermine all of the good deeds she’s done and gifts she’s given to others throughout the year, so that she might not feel as pressured by or guilty about these big gifts she feels she owes. So yeah ^^ a reminder that those goblets you’ve given out are important and they are goblets that will stay with you if you remember to keep them in your mailbox! TLDR please appreciate yourself and how much you’ve done for others ♥
Yesterday, Jonghyun from SHINee—an extremely talented and respected singer of a group I've loved since their debut 9 and a half years ago—passed away from suicide. It's heartbreaking; it's incredibly painful news that you've most likely heard about already. Aside from his music and breathtaking performances (and other achievements, the list goes on), I'm also grateful to him as he's now creating another legacy in sparking widespread discussion about depression and mental health. ;___; Rest in peace, Jonghyun.
I cried a shit ton; god it's like I'd lost control of my tearducts yesterday and they were leaking everywhere even when I wasn't really thinking about it. Honestly, I'm not fully at peace about it yet, but through this tragic experience, I feel like a part of me has been renewed or given a second chance.
Especially since I decided to distance myself from most social media and the articles related to it, I've spent a lot of time reflecting about myself.
As of today, I'm not sure that I would call myself a depressed person exactly? I'm much better than I was before...... In the past two months, I haven't struggled as much with my confidence! It is still difficult to pull myself out of bed—but this is usually a mixture of both physical and mental setbacks. I still find myself without goals. And I'm still constantly dreading, never looking forward to things, because I know that they're going to consume all of my energy and it's going to be hard. Sometimes, everything seems hard, even though literally nothing in my life is considered hardship at all. "Going forward" is something I never think about. But in general, I'm mostly okay I think...! I'm able to see the light in a lot of things. I'm always late, but I still show up, push through, and work hard. I reread the post I wrote in April which sums a lot of it up, and I can already see that I've improved since then! (I've definitely been implementing the three goals I set for myself ^^)
But I'm thinking about what I can do right now to take care of myself better. For starters, I want to stop thinking about myself in terms of accomplishments. I want to tell myself regularly that I "did well" even when I haven't done anything of glory. I want to remind myself constantly that there are things that others can do more easily than I can, just naturally because we are different, that it's not a matter of me lacking. I want to celebrate myself for making it through things and for accepting challenges, even if I may not have technically performed the greatest or even up to my self-projected standard.
I really hate that I had to learn it through this tragedy, but I think I have a new appreciation of life in a way. Not that I think I would ever be able to go through with attempting suicide, but... this is probably the first time I've been deeply affected by the consequences of suicide. And it's horrific. It's painful. I don't mean to say this with a negative connotation, but it is fundamentally a selfish act. And I realized that these consequences that I always thought somewhat lightly of...are of a weight I hope to never want to cast. There's nothing glorious about it. The escape isn't worth it. I wish so badly that he could have held on a little more, that he could have been helped better, that he could have received enough love that he could believe in, that he could have done anything—ANYTHING to take care of himself other than that. And so I want to hold on a little more, and when I'm stable enough to give more, I want to give love and help those that need it. I want to indulge in little happinesses as I search for more big happinesses. I want to make decisions to take care of myself, no matter what they may be, so that I never end up on that desperate route.
Today I want to tell myself that I haven't failed at anything. Things that haven't gone the way I wanted them to go...that's okay. Life is a big picture, and I'm the only one trashing easels over a minuscule smudge in the corner. I need to let things go.
Today I feel proud! Because I just survived a week full of challenges!! I worked on lots of projects, including physically-demanding shoots! Before all of it, I was overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I'm happy with myself that I chose to go through with it all because I saw them as good opportunities that I'd grow and learn from. It's fortunate that I was able to hang on to that optimism! Afterwards, I honestly felt guilty because while I didn't do badly, I'm also not...necessarily skilled? And I'm scared that I may have fallen short of expectations. But I'm realizing today that they were called challenges for a reason—because they were not things that I could do easily or comfortably, and the fact that I even fucking did them is amazing. It was worth how exhausted and sore I am; I gained a lot of experience from this past week! I'm amazing.
You are amazing. You are doing well. Thanks for sticking around. Thank you for surviving your struggles.Thank you for being you and for being under this sky right now with me. ♥
![[settings]](http://puu.sh/C11iW/a1f266afbf.jpg){kind=link}