[ trigger warning: mention of suicidal ideology ]
...not to say that I'd ever shut it down, but I'm not sure what to do with my blog anymore. At a fairly often rate, I tell myself, "I should update my blog more!" but rarely anymore does anything strike me with, "I should blog about that!"
For most of my very long blogging career, I haven't really paid attention to or cared about who reads my blog or how many people follow my blog. I decided long ago that I blog for myself—to capture and chronicle me in moments in my life that I can look back upon, and as an expressive outlet—and it's a nice bonus to get to share it with anyone who might be interested in reading. But now that I don't even feel inspired to write... there rarely are moments that I wish to capture here anymore, and no longer as many thoughts that I'd like to share... it's sad. Since I don't feel motivated to blog for me, nor do I feel the need to blog for anybody else (not that I think anybody comes here anymore—and I wouldn't blame 'em), I end up not blogging. Which I think is not being true to myself.
Mmmm.....I wasn't sure if my recent thoughts should be shared, but here goes........ I'm hesitating. I'd paused and wondered if I should backspace, because being this truthful is pretty scary. The more "IRL" people find my online identity, the more I pressured I feel to hide. I wonder if I should stop talking about people and things around me—especially my job—even though they're part of my life chronicle. I don't want to show too many of my vulnerabilities that I was willing to be more transparent about back when I felt some sense of anonymity. Am I irresponsible when I reveal too much and will it make people think that perhaps I'm not the person they thought I was? It's scary. Please don't judge me for this!
I've alluded to it many times over the past ~7 years, but I'm not sure that I've ever outright said that I'd had suicidal thoughts throughout those years. That was the keyword that I've consciously tried to avoid haha. Frankly, I'm surprised that I'm spitting it out now like this. It's not something I'm proud of, and don't worry, I don't plan on committing suicide!!! :'D Naturally, I've changed a lot since being a lost high school senior that wanted to choose death over going to college. Over these years, I've found a lot more purpose, ambitions, belief in myself, motivation to stick by loved ones, and happiness!
But a couple of core things have regrettably not changed enough about me—I still don't inherently find living to be fun. In fact, I'm just really bad, and always have been, at having fun... Things and people and events and happenings can be great, but I won't be like, "I'm so glad just to be alive and breathing!!" But you know I envy those that think that way.
Recently, I entered another slump because I was feeling pretty stressed, overly busy, uninspired to do anything, restlessly impatient, and constantly anxiously dreading what was to come. Nothing was really engaging me and I felt empty even though my life is so full and beautiful.
I was bored of life. Which just made dreadful things all the more dreadful and harder to put up with.
Two weeks ago as we were driving somewhere for work, my coworker exclaimed, "The clouds are so cool today!!!!" and it somehow struck such a deep chord with me. I envied her shining optimism... and that she cared enough to look beyond herself and out at the world, and that she could recognize the beauty in things that I found to be mundane and irrelevant. Why would I ever take note of clouds? I've been thinking about it constantly ever since. Last week, I realized that maybe I'm not necessarily bored of life... I'm just not paying enough attention to life? I felt like my entire world was limited to just the tasks that were in front of me, the routine I follow, and the few people I interact with. I don't care to spread my wings in pondering about the world or thinking about the future. I don't see the big picture; in fact, I've been seeing a couple of black and white lines rather than any picture at all.
So I need to change, and that's why I'm calling for kind of a project of self renovation hehe. I've got to pull myself out of my slump through discipline! This is a start and hopefully more to come.
Firstly, I decided to limit my smartphone use! It's only been 1 year since I've had my first smartphone, and I'm already addicted to it, for the worse... My eyes are constantly strained and dry. I impatiently reach for my phone every time there's nothing to do (the worstttt is when I do it at stoplights while driving...) instead of taking time to observe the world or just peacefully sit and think. I don't know what an attention span is anymore! I'm constantly restless for updates or something to look at on my tiny screen. I use it to avoid having to socialize! I look at it even when walking which is stupid dangerous! I HAVE TO STOP OMG LOL. So my new rule is that unless it's important or Pokemon Go in certain cases lol, I can no longer use my phone when I'm on the move or when sitting in the driver's seat.
It's been about a week since I implemented this and it's going great I think! It kind of grounds me a bit to spend more time just...existing and realizing that I don't have to access the digital world (pulling myself out of the tangible world) to make it through a few mundane moments.
Secondly, I've started to only take the stairs at work (our office is on the 3rd floor) instead of trudging into the elevator everyday like a zombie. I'm certainly missing physical activities from my lifestyle, and while I don't currently have the time (or motivation..) to exercise, this is a first step to get myself out of my slothlike state. ^^;; I'm also gonna slowly get back into ab exercises! Cosplay season is coming up...
Thirdly, I am challenging myself to pay more attention to colors. Because I rarely do anymore. I don't appreciate the amount of vivid colors found in nature, or even notice color schemes and how they complement one another. For someone that claims that color therapy works well for herself (I do feel better when I see my favorite shade of baby blue and when I see my pink hair...), I don't even care for most colors lol. So far, I've been forgetting a lot about this challenge, but I hope that this will give me a new view of the world and how interesting it is. If I begin to notice and feel the intricacies and charms of color, I hope to condition myself to be able to see the beauty in things more easily. Until I can say that I think the clouds are super cool today and mean it!!!
I've been thinking more about why my recent feelings came about in relation to my current place in life, and I think I've figured some of it out. Next week I turn 24 and will have been working full time for a year. I consider myself to be a young adult; I've pretty much embraced now that I'm a grown-up. But I'm missing something that grown-ups are known for—the practical acceptance that life is now going to be a long series of routine throughout which you do probably mundane, sometimes meaningless work in order to make money for purposes in your life, and that's enough to live for. Unfortunately, I don't think this way at all. Fortunately, my job isn't exactly mundane and it certainly isn't meaningless! But as much as I like my job, I never want my entire life to just be my job. I want other things to be happy about. And all I want is enough money to live comfortably; beyond that, I don't love or value money enough to do soulless work for it or be content to just keep working. I don't yet have goals or that big picture in mind of the future... So I'm not quite yet in an adult mindset.
What makes me sad though is that I've lost most of my heart of a child. :c There's no more wonder and intrigue that makes everything and life so exciting, boundless, and wonderful to children. You don't realize how precious that is until you've lost it. So on this awkward path in between, I've found myself finding life boring and uninspiring... so welcome to my journey to try to figure out young-adultting. yet again.
nyan
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