directional failure

Something that has been majorly stressing me out is this incredible opportunity and privilege that my workplace has given me: to direct a music video. I've never really directed anything other than a fairly simple "short film" for a class back in college, but my bosses want me to give this a try (because I'm an editor which might make me a good director?? we shall see lolol) and to stretch me out of my comfort zone. Yup I'm uncomfortable. And learning a lot! Every aspect of this role is terrifying! /o/ I feel a lot of responsibility and.......since I've never worked on a real MV before and it is not something my company typically does, I don't know what I'm doing at all... In fact, I don't even know what it is that I don't know. I'm just guessing and making things up and I constantly feel like I'm not doing things well enough. I don't know. I can't tell because I don't know what a good MV director is supposed to be like.. 😔 (Also the reason they're willing to put such a clueless person on the job is because it's not a client project therefore supposed to be less pressure but I still feel a lot, yay.)

I want to bring back something that I wrote about before: how my college professor told us, "You are not your art. If your art fails, that doesn't mean you are a failure." It is absolutely a major problem that I can't grasp this. ;;;; I invite so much worry and hurt just because I take everything personally and invest too much of myself into things and I perceive so many things to be personal failures. Really I need to grow tougher skin and learn that separation and distance, especially if I want to be a professional and I shouldn't allow anyone's disagreement the power to discourage my confidence..

So now I'm really struggling with how to be a director. Because the director is the person who is able to lead everyone by explaining the vision of the project. The creative concepting is ultimately up to me to put together after consulting with everyone.... And I think that a director does the best at their job when they truly believe in the vision, when they themselves have a clear mental image of what to aim for and they have an infectious passion to them that influences the rest of the crew. I think that those kinds of creative ideas that you genuinely believe in are personal—and they should reflect a bit of the creator's personality, have a little piece of the creator's heart embedded in it.

So how do I be a good director that truly believes in and can elaborately explain and guide people towards a vision...... when I'm also frightened that people are going to dislike or reject my ideas? I need to be close with the material—and yet distant enough that I should be professional and objective and cool about if others disagree with me. Because of course this MV isn't just about me. I just worry a lot. I wish I weren't constantly worrying so much. :c