Some Personal Thoughts

Yesterday, Jonghyun from SHINee—an extremely talented and respected singer of a group I've loved since their debut 9 and a half years ago—passed away from suicide. It's heartbreaking; it's incredibly painful news that you've most likely heard about already. Aside from his music and breathtaking performances (and other achievements, the list goes on), I'm also grateful to him as he's now creating another legacy in sparking widespread discussion about depression and mental health. ;___; Rest in peace, Jonghyun.

I cried a shit ton; god it's like I'd lost control of my tearducts yesterday and they were leaking everywhere even when I wasn't really thinking about it. Honestly, I'm not fully at peace about it yet, but through this tragic experience, I feel like a part of me has been renewed or given a second chance.

Especially since I decided to distance myself from most social media and the articles related to it, I've spent a lot of time reflecting about myself.

As of today, I'm not sure that I would call myself a depressed person exactly? I'm much better than I was before...... In the past two months, I haven't struggled as much with my confidence! It is still difficult to pull myself out of bed—but this is usually a mixture of both physical and mental setbacks. I still find myself without goals. And I'm still constantly dreading, never looking forward to things, because I know that they're going to consume all of my energy and it's going to be hard. Sometimes, everything seems hard, even though literally nothing in my life is considered hardship at all. "Going forward" is something I never think about. But in general, I'm mostly okay I think...! I'm able to see the light in a lot of things. I'm always late, but I still show up, push through, and work hard. I reread the post I wrote in April which sums a lot of it up, and I can already see that I've improved since then! (I've definitely been implementing the three goals I set for myself ^^)

But I'm thinking about what I can do right now to take care of myself better. For starters, I want to stop thinking about myself in terms of accomplishments. I want to tell myself regularly that I "did well" even when I haven't done anything of glory. I want to remind myself constantly that there are things that others can do more easily than I can, just naturally because we are different, that it's not a matter of me lacking. I want to celebrate myself for making it through things and for accepting challenges, even if I may not have technically performed the greatest or even up to my self-projected standard.

I really hate that I had to learn it through this tragedy, but I think I have a new appreciation of life in a way. Not that I think I would ever be able to go through with attempting suicide, but... this is probably the first time I've been deeply affected by the consequences of suicide. And it's horrific. It's painful. I don't mean to say this with a negative connotation, but it is fundamentally a selfish act. And I realized that these consequences that I always thought somewhat lightly of...are of a weight I hope to never want to cast. There's nothing glorious about it. The escape isn't worth it. I wish so badly that he could have held on a little more, that he could have been helped better, that he could have received enough love that he could believe in, that he could have done anything—ANYTHING to take care of himself other than that. And so I want to hold on a little more, and when I'm stable enough to give more, I want to give love and help those that need it. I want to indulge in little happinesses as I search for more big happinesses. I want to make decisions to take care of myself, no matter what they may be, so that I never end up on that desperate route.

Today I want to tell myself that I haven't failed at anything. Things that haven't gone the way I wanted them to go...that's okay. Life is a big picture, and I'm the only one trashing easels over a minuscule smudge in the corner. I need to let things go.

Today I feel proud! Because I just survived a week full of challenges!! I worked on lots of projects, including physically-demanding shoots! Before all of it, I was overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I'm happy with myself that I chose to go through with it all because I saw them as good opportunities that I'd grow and learn from. It's fortunate that I was able to hang on to that optimism! Afterwards, I honestly felt guilty because while I didn't do badly, I'm also not...necessarily skilled? And I'm scared that I may have fallen short of expectations. But I'm realizing today that they were called challenges for a reason—because they were not things that I could do easily or comfortably, and the fact that I even fucking did them is amazing. It was worth how exhausted and sore I am; I gained a lot of experience from this past week! I'm amazing.

You are amazing. You are doing well. Thanks for sticking around. Thank you for surviving your struggles.Thank you for being you and for being under this sky right now with me. ♥