A glint in the eye

Now listening to:

GFRIEND - "Memoria" (Japan 1st Single)

Man, last week, my thoughts hit me like a truck. I've always said that I'm not good at having fun, but I suddenly tripped and fell down a deep well of sadness when I finally put into words that I'm perhaps a workaholic and haven't lived many experiences despite being at my prime. Which escalated into, "What do I even do for fun...? Recently, nothing??? How often do I even relax..? What do I even enjoy....?" and I realized that this ties a lot into the emotional fragility and stress I've been living lately that I didn't know how to shed until now. It's sure tough to try to be an independent and collected gal when you no longer have things to spend your own time doing that you enjoy. ^^;; I personally don't think I'd be able to live without productive hobbies—there's still a lot more desire and fulfillment to explore in creating content and doing singing projects...but..I have to admit I guess it burned me out to spend tiring hours at my job working on videos, then coming home and working on more videos for hours. And I haven't had many outlets to break up the tension. ;; The "unproductive" hobby I've held onto is watching youtube videos and variety shows, but at times it even felt like a chore to look for something to watch because there's nothing I've been invested in since Produce48 ended. I don't play any games right now, and I'm honestly discouraged by my lack at skill in games and the time commitment. And I hadn't necessarily felt a shortage of socializing with friends because there had been lots of events for the end of summer, and I took advantage of my extra time at home to get things done—but it's also sadly true that I hadn't..done anything spontaneous with any friends or anything chill or just for fun or just to be in each other's company outside of events for a while.

So now I am on a journey to find more things to enjoy and to do more things for me~ For starters, I finally started Of Fire and Stars, which was the book I mentioned before was "hard to make time" for, and I'm loving that I'm able to spend time reading again. ^^ This book is about magic and two princesses that fall in love so I enjoy that, and up next I'll probably read To All The Boys I've Loved Before since the movie was delightful. After a long time of thinking it could be nice to put up fairy lights in my room, I finally last minute threw some into my Amazon cart and THEY'RE AMAZING. Since I was a kid I always wanted to feel like I had sort of a fort or my own space made for fantasizing and escaping from the world. *^* Now that I have a suuper comfortable mattress (I got a Purple half a year ago and it's the best ever!!) and some adorable lights to accompany my Lovelyz wall, it feels like I have a nice space to just relax and feel safe. Be under the blankets and read a book. Listen to ASMR. Just sit and be calmed by the certainty and rhythm of how the lights slowly glow brighter...and slowly dim.

I think it'll also be very helpful that I'm blogging more often again! Honestly, I've been meaning to write this post for a couple days and was looking forward to spending the time to do it. (Something came up so workaholicism came back and rendered no time to blog..... I just want to get this one more thing done soon and then I'll take a good break from video editing outside of work to recuperate for a bit. ^^;;) Anddd when Maplestory 2 launches in a couple weeks, I'm gonna plan on trying it to see if I can play casually. I should get back to finishing my Gundam too. I'm getting quite into AKB48 and its sister groups (mostly HKT but NMB is catching my eye now) so that might become a great endless source of entertainment! :D Also going to combat my "make no detours on the way home so I can get back and work on stuff/because I'm tired" mentality by giving in to more cravings and little indulgences. Shake things up with little nudges at the very least.

What else I can do as relaxing/fun hobbies is still in the process of being figured out, but from this past week I already feel so much lighter, so much more free and more secure, much less susceptible to feeling lonely or empty, because I'm trying to focus more on myself and appreciate the small things that I do enjoy.

Behind the Editing of "AX YOUTAITE REACT to CB Winners"

YASS!!!!! IT'S DONE!!! It'S FINALLY OUT IN THE WORLD!! And it's gotten such an explosive response so far omggg thank youuuu QAQ

It's been a wild ride executing the Youtaite React AX (Anime Expo) special, from filming outside for 3 hours in 108 F / 42 C weather, to the crazy complicated edit that it became and how many things kept popping up that needed to be done before it was ready to go. It really took me over 50 hours of working on this after the shoot to get it done and ready for upload..... Under the cut, I'mma discuss the post-production process in more detail!

For this episode, we put up a clipboard during the youtaite meetup for anyone to sign up, with only the info that they'd be doing a challenge and not to spoil the answers. We then had participants watch entries from a selection of the chorus battles with the most participating entries/were the most iconic for their time, and they racked up points by guessing the song, group, and CB.

We got some hilarious struggling as well as folks expressing their love for entries/groups/their friends—so I think it's pretty entertaining and full of heart. ^^ Everyone did great! I'm also in it kind of as a host.... I swear I tried to cut my intro out but it didn't make enough sense without someone spelling out the setting and what was happening... I don't even know how I let Fome talk me into that ending. That's not me.

Anyway! I also asked them questions after the challenge and got lots of wholesome answers, so that's what the next episode is going to be composed of. Someday. When I....make time....to edit it.

So enjoy this one!! For a while!!! Please!

AX YOUTAITE REACT to Chorus Battle Winners 【ep. 4】

Productivity Guilt? I don't know her

me: feels good about myself

also me:

It's been a fluctuating thing but today I'm actually kind of on a high! Just from today, I feel like I've made steps forward and was productive in rewarding ways, yay. Fome was kind enough to let me use his band's studio to record a dance video—and I honestly sucked ass, but I'm really proud that I went and did it? Rather than thinking, "Oh I'll never be good enough to record a video so I should never do it," I just thought I'd give it a try now while I'm slowly but surely feeling a bit more comfortable with how my body and movements look! Plus there were several times I thought I was too tired/sweaty/sniffly to keep filming and should call it quits, watched my previous take, and willed myself to keep going ;v;)9!! No idea if those videos will actually become anything but I still feel like I overcame something today.

And then when my plans afterwards got called off, I took the chance to run errands which I'm horrendously bad at doing for some reason. Finally got a few things I'd run out of, some hairspray (PLEASE improve my bangs situation ! ! ), and some medical tape. Last week I shadowed an audio person during a shoot for the first time—something I'd been wanting to do for a while bc my location audio skills have plateaued—and learned that he uses this medical tape to attach lavalier mics on people. I struggle a lot with positioning lav mics and avoiding scratchy sounds from people's clothes so I really hope this improves my work >A<

Also. Hairspray test! I think I've referred to myself as a catfish every single time I post pics of my bangs down because I SWEAR it only looks this way for a few minutes and then goes to shit. Already my bangs don't look at all like this photo, but so far it's not....as shitty as usual..I think.

Then while driving home, I practiced singing!! I think I actually improved at a certain song that I practice once in a while and I was really happy about that! (Until I remember the last time I thought I'd improved at singing and fell short really fucking hard when I tried to record orz..) I even thought that....maybe....maybe I can try to sing this at karaoke.....idk. I feel like I've never once successfully sung anything well at karaoke before. Stage fright is another obstacle too.


I think Produce48 truly woke up a dormant beast within me that I'd been somewhat denying for years and I'm thankful for that. I still love idols and it makes me happy to sort of.. pretend to be one in a way? It was one of the biggest reasons I was brave enough to change my bangs (and embrace a cuter style) for the first time in almost a decade. Learning girl group dances with some new friends every weekend and sometimes practicing on my own has helped me grow a lot, feel healthier, and love myself more!! It makes me wonder if I can overcome my stage fright. It makes me want to become better at singing! And it brought new energy to my drive to create content and share things with the world. There are so many things I want to do.

Then there are times like last night when I felt like I was progressing too slowly and tiring out too quickly. I was frustrated that even with my limited time and energy to work on things, I seemed to take forever to get anything done. Namely last night I was working on a thumbnail for the upcoming YTReact upload (I KEEP SAYING IT'S SO CLOSE....IT'S SO CLOSE) which took a whopping fucking 3 hours to get to a presentable state because I'm that helpless when it comes to graphic design or visual creativity. Cries. I really want this video done and out there for everyone to enjoy but it feels like the finish line keeps moving further away. >< A few weeks ago I was strongly considering organizing/mixing a new exciting kpop collab but with how slowly my current projects were progressing, I decided that I probably wouldn't be able to handle it after all. But perhaps that's just for the greater good, right? Step by step, Eva, before your greed spins out of control. I did good today~!

(And then I posted a blog wow so productive!!!! And now I'm going to go back to working on the final YTReact touches until bedtime.)

As We Dream

Since the Produce48 finale on Friday, my life has been consumed by Produce48 and its debut girl group IZ*ONE. @@ I've decided that for IZ*ONE's two year run, I'm going to try to dedicate myself as much as I can to them, which I've failed to do for most groups born from the many idol competition shows I've loved. The results didn't entirely go the way I think they should have, but I've come to accept and embrace it all. I really do love the lineup and I think they'll be an amazing group! If the music from the show (which has been on endless repeat for me) or AKB songs are any indication of their upcoming sound, then I look forward to their music 'cause I'll probably genuinely love it to bits! These girls have worked way too hard to face failure just because people are salty about their faves or angry about systematic things unrelated to these girls' skills and charms, so I'm going to support the fuck out of them. I'm so ready for this adorable Japanese-Korean idol group of my dreams!!!

During the finale, the top 20 girls performed a song called "As We Dream" together—a lovely, sentimental final sendoff for the show's end about dreams and friendship AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL IT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS. T__T After Nekkoya, there were no other mixed language songs so it delighted me that for the finale, they finally sang another song in both Korean and Japanese.

The Japanese version of the song has made me cry twice now. ;___________;

It honestly probably has a little to do with the fact that the Korean girls sound much less uncomfortable singing in Japanese, while the Japanese girls have a bigger challenge pronouncing Korean, so I'm able to immerse myself in the emotions a bit more with this version.

But mostly, I love the meaning of the Japanese lyrics and feel them much deeper. Compared to the Korean version, these lyrics are more about "I found myself," "I'm alive" rather than "I follow you," "It's because of you." Somehow it also feels more melancholic to me too. ;; It's truly a bittersweet song.

Probably my favorite thing though is Shiroma Miru's line at 1:08 where she sings, "Let's make every second meaningful," because in the Korean version, she literally just sings "lalalalala~" to the same melody. But here, she actually does make her part meaningful! (I'm very confused by why they didn't write Korean lyrics there but oh well.)

The following translation by @sunshineyena: 

Now Loading... Words

Hello hello! Let me start by declaring that it will now be a goal for me to write a post here at least once a week!!!! Do I think I'll be able to keep up with it? No, I'm entirely pessimistic! BUT LET'S TRY, EH?

The short explanation for this new goal of mine is this: my life skills are nonfunctional and I really need to fucking fix them.

I've gone through a bit of humiliation recently because of my failing ability to coherently communicate with other human beings. And in a work setting, that's kind of a big deal. Whenever people talk to me, I blank out and can't come up with an answer, which makes me really fucking painful to interact with. Even as I'm racking my brain through the awkward silence I've caused, I can barely come up with words or comprehensive sentences. I've taken many pauses—even checked google to see if I was using a phrase correctly AND looked to thesaurus.com to replace a word I was overusing—just writing this simple paragraph. It's so sad.

My solution has been to start talking to myself while I'm driving haha. I'll start rambling about my day in full sentences, with the hope that I'll get used to just throwing words out of my mouth without thinking too hard about it. It's really good practice since I don't interact with people out loud very much on a daily basis, which is likely the reason my communication skills have deteriorated this dramatically.... Sadly I always forget to do this and it hurts my throat, so it's not my favorite solution. >< Another thing I'd benefit a lot from is reading! Since losing interest in the current k-dramasphere and no longer reading recaps, I basically....never....read...... Recently I bought Audrey Coulthurst's Of Fire and Stars but with the 92153468468464 things I need to do and lack of attention span, it's hard to make time for it. ;;

So today (after having a mini breakdown from being overwhelmed by how much of myself I desperately need to improve lol) I remembered how I used to blog every. single. day. Which I really can't imagine doing anymore??? I'd come home from middle/high school everyday and write a long post full of trivial things about all of my classes. The potential consequences of revealing too much about work make it difficult to do this again, but I think it'll be a helpful exercise for me to write often again. Force myself to come up with words and phrases that I don't commonly use. Challenge myself to think and create, not just sitting idly and consuming all the time.

AND since I'd been hoping to blog more often again for years now, I won't get Productivity Guilt from making time to blog, right? Plus it's always nice to have chronicles to look back on, to give perspective and also because I'm forgetful as fuck. It's a win-win-win-win-win. ^^ ONWARDS TO BECOMING A SLIGHTLY MORE FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING.....

Also an update re: my mental health, I'm doing better lately I believe! I get super frustrated and overwhelmed, but I'm not irrationally miserable or stagnant. I'm proud of my recent achievements and I want to put in effort to improve. I don't want to stay what I am. Recently I've been thinking healthy thoughts like, "I would love to do this one day!" "This inspires me and I care about it!" "What can I do to become better/happier?"