Productivity Guilt? I don't know her

me: feels good about myself

also me:

It's been a fluctuating thing but today I'm actually kind of on a high! Just from today, I feel like I've made steps forward and was productive in rewarding ways, yay. Fome was kind enough to let me use his band's studio to record a dance video—and I honestly sucked ass, but I'm really proud that I went and did it? Rather than thinking, "Oh I'll never be good enough to record a video so I should never do it," I just thought I'd give it a try now while I'm slowly but surely feeling a bit more comfortable with how my body and movements look! Plus there were several times I thought I was too tired/sweaty/sniffly to keep filming and should call it quits, watched my previous take, and willed myself to keep going ;v;)9!! No idea if those videos will actually become anything but I still feel like I overcame something today.

And then when my plans afterwards got called off, I took the chance to run errands which I'm horrendously bad at doing for some reason. Finally got a few things I'd run out of, some hairspray (PLEASE improve my bangs situation ! ! ), and some medical tape. Last week I shadowed an audio person during a shoot for the first time—something I'd been wanting to do for a while bc my location audio skills have plateaued—and learned that he uses this medical tape to attach lavalier mics on people. I struggle a lot with positioning lav mics and avoiding scratchy sounds from people's clothes so I really hope this improves my work >A<

Also. Hairspray test! I think I've referred to myself as a catfish every single time I post pics of my bangs down because I SWEAR it only looks this way for a few minutes and then goes to shit. Already my bangs don't look at all like this photo, but so far it's not....as shitty as usual..I think.

Then while driving home, I practiced singing!! I think I actually improved at a certain song that I practice once in a while and I was really happy about that! (Until I remember the last time I thought I'd improved at singing and fell short really fucking hard when I tried to record orz..) I even thought that....maybe....maybe I can try to sing this at karaoke.....idk. I feel like I've never once successfully sung anything well at karaoke before. Stage fright is another obstacle too.


I think Produce48 truly woke up a dormant beast within me that I'd been somewhat denying for years and I'm thankful for that. I still love idols and it makes me happy to sort of.. pretend to be one in a way? It was one of the biggest reasons I was brave enough to change my bangs (and embrace a cuter style) for the first time in almost a decade. Learning girl group dances with some new friends every weekend and sometimes practicing on my own has helped me grow a lot, feel healthier, and love myself more!! It makes me wonder if I can overcome my stage fright. It makes me want to become better at singing! And it brought new energy to my drive to create content and share things with the world. There are so many things I want to do.

Then there are times like last night when I felt like I was progressing too slowly and tiring out too quickly. I was frustrated that even with my limited time and energy to work on things, I seemed to take forever to get anything done. Namely last night I was working on a thumbnail for the upcoming YTReact upload (I KEEP SAYING IT'S SO CLOSE....IT'S SO CLOSE) which took a whopping fucking 3 hours to get to a presentable state because I'm that helpless when it comes to graphic design or visual creativity. Cries. I really want this video done and out there for everyone to enjoy but it feels like the finish line keeps moving further away. >< A few weeks ago I was strongly considering organizing/mixing a new exciting kpop collab but with how slowly my current projects were progressing, I decided that I probably wouldn't be able to handle it after all. But perhaps that's just for the greater good, right? Step by step, Eva, before your greed spins out of control. I did good today~!

(And then I posted a blog wow so productive!!!! And now I'm going to go back to working on the final YTReact touches until bedtime.)