[Edit: speaking of health scares, I started writing this before the heartbreaking coronavírus outbreak.. ;;; everyone please take care and stay healthy!]
SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMSSSSSSS there'sbeensomuchpressureit'sbeencrazy
So the music video idea was born out of my bosses wanting to challenge me with the experience of directing a project for the first time—but "low pressure" since it wouldn't be a client project. It could've just been a small thing, for example a "how to make a cocktail" video was a contender—until one of my bosses was like OR CONSIDER......PH0EN1X 4SH MUS1C V1DEO................IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO WORK ON A MUSIC VIDEO...................... and I thought about it for a day and was like... y'know what, same. I was frightened as heck about doing it but that was the project I chose knowing that it would bring the most fulfillment to all of us.
And then it all grew out of control LOL. Initially we imagined it'd be a pretty scrappy low-budget project, that with just 5 or 6 of us, we'd make it work and it'd be a hands-on learning experience for the whole team. Then we secured an amazing [expensive] location... And our cínematographer got his new, shiny cínema camera that's worth more than his life savings... So everything demanded more, bigger, better, prettier, higher quality, everything that this shoot now deserved. My bosses allowed us to put more budget into this, we expanded the crew to 17 people(!!), and it became the most legitimate production that I've ever been on.
......and that's why I wasn't qualified at all to be leading it. Every step of the way, I didn't know what I was doing—I was making it all up and hoping that it worked... So many learnings!! A lot of it somehow worked I think. Much to be improved on. I don't think I'm creative or outspoken enough to be a director, heh, but I learned that I enjoy shot lists and storyboards!
It was stress all along the way, but the actual shoot day was what scared me the most because there's no way it wasn't going to be an exhausting, physically-, mentally-, socially-, performance-active, extreeemely long day, during which I felt pressured to prove in front of a bunch of my friends and a huge crew working for me that I could do my job [which I'd never done before]......
Okay let's go through my success checklist!
Okay let's go through my success checklist!
🆗 Survived -- kind of. still a lot of anxiety and some self blame but alive
❌ Slept an adequate amount -- SO MAD. For reasons, I was working up til midnight. Couldn't fall asleep til 1:30 AM. Had to wake up at 4 AM and start driving at 5.
✅ Drank water -- YAY!! I last minute bought a fanny pack that a small water bottle fit in. ^^
✅ Went to the bathroom a healthy amount
🆗 ...without disrupting the shoot -- I WAS DOING SO GOOD AT CHOOSING WHEN TO SNEAK AWAY. Just one time I came back and everyone was ready to do a take and waiting on me. ugh, regret. I really, really, really, really hate being the inconvenience....
✅ Said words that made sense -- YAY I GENERALLY MADE SENSE! Legit worried about this one.
✅ Didn't overly stutter, voice crack, or embarrass myself when speaking to groups!!!!!!!!!
🆗 Described to the talent what sort of feelings to convey -- I was nervous about doing this but for the most part I did way better than expected! I missed some stuff though.
❌ Communicated to the crew about each shot's needs -- sometimes forgot things. big regret.
✅ Talked to everyone!!! -- this was important to me. one time I worked on an unpaid shoot where the director never acknowledged me once. hated him.
✅ Knew the shot list and schedule well -- HELL YEAH I was valedictorian for a reason man!
🆗 Presented myself as if I had a clear vision for everything.
🆗 Made smart changes to the shots on the fly to accommodate schedule -- I DID GOOD, BUT. had I known to consider some of those things earlier, we could've planned them beforehand. also I nixed one shot partially just bc I was scared people would think it was a stupid idea. ><
❌ Spoke up whenever I disagreed -- I did sometimes but many times we were in too much of a rush and had to move on. Some regrets. Not necessarily my fault I know.
✅ Hustled alongside the crew
✅ Expressed gratitude to the amazing crew, let them know whenever I loved something they did
✅ Did not have an emotional breakdown! -- No crying! Smiles all day :)
❌ Sat down whenever possible, reserved energy -- Literally probably sat for 10 minutes in my 14 hour day.
Phew. I was extremely lucky to have such an amazing crew—could not ask for better people to support me on my first directorial run and to make up for every single one of my shortcomings... I was able to put aside a lot of my anxiety once I was on the set because the crew—especially the leads—were so capable and smart and quick-thinking and independent that they made things happen beautifully. I was the first and last decision-maker, but everything in between was all them! It's honestly embarrassing and regrettable how much I relied on them, but there was a lot that couldn't have been done at my level—with my lack of experience, vision, and confidence orz.... I'm not cut out for it. But I'm glad I tried it.
Honestly pretty anxious about my next challenge which is to edit it ;;; because my whole excuse for being a bad director is that I'm mostly an editor.... so now I have to prove.....that I can edit..... o<-< The footage is so gorgeous that I really don't want anyone to think it was a waste for me to cut it together.
I will ganba.
Some snapshots!
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| "stop looking dumb, Fome. k thx" |
I'm so excited to hear about this! I commented before that of course it'd be amazing and that people enjoy your style and vision, but really that's evident in how the project grew to 17 people. I feel like you always try to be humble and undersell things but to be honest, no one else but you could have done this. Like classic Eva, leading the most legit production she's ever been on. When I look back at what you were worrying about going into it, I hope that even though you were nervous it was still a fun and enjoyable experience.
ReplyDeleteGreat checklist, I think it's important to have things to be able to check off for the next time around. Otherwise, how else will life be interesting in the future? I think you did an impressive job and I can't wait to hear about the finished piece!
😭😭😭 totally called out; I do tend to undersell things just because I'm scared of expectations and not always confident LOL... It was a really good experience. ^^
DeleteThank you again for how much you believe in me ♥