Perhaps will be a little long-winded and overly personal. I don't know. I didn't intend to go into depth about these things here or in any public space until later when I'd have a bigger update or results, but I am pretty affected so I'm going to talk about my day...

An odd day it was today. A quick succession of events as I was leaving the house—my house key falling off my keychain, dropping all of my things when trying to pick it up and embarrassing myself in front of bystanders, the car stuttering as I ignited the engine—left me shaken even at the start of my day. T__T Plus the general unease I have with driving my dad's car which I find is shaky, bit tight for comfort, and has poor visibility (we temporary traded cars b/c mine had an issue). I don't know that much about cars... I had to just convince myself that it was fine and the stuttering might not be a big deal; the chances were unlikely that I would be unsafe in this vehicle on the road; I shouldn't think too much of it and just go; I'll probably make it to my destination, right? After all, I was going to the doctor's after I finally managed to make an appointment after her holiday.

So...... sometimes my heart starts beating really fast and it kinda takes the wind out of me. It would happen when I showered, which the interwebs say is because of the change in body temperature and no biggie! But a few weeks ago it happened when I was just...sitting. And it happened again when I was just getting ready for work... And then all the time I kept feeling like something wasn't right.

Anyway, doctor didn't find anything wrong with my heartbeat today, had my blood drawn to test for hyperthyroidism, made an appointment for an EKG, said I should count my heart rate next time and go to the emergency room if it exceeds 150. 👍

I've honestly been doing pretty well and I feel like my head has been in a good space and I've been good at telling myself to handle things calmly and optimistically! Yet somehow........... I guess I was feeling more anxious than I was letting on to even myself...? Like.....I couldn't stop crying while I was at work.......... I wasn't even necessarily emotional but the tears just started leaking out and I realized I felt pretty uneasy. And then it's like, ugh no I need to stay calm so my heart rate doesn't shoot up. It's a paradox.

The palpitation thing I knew I had to find answers for but it honestly never worried me. I think it hit me when my doctor brought up the [low] possibility of going to the ER the next time it happens. It hit me that something is definitely wrong with my body—there's no denying that. Now the question is: is it a major or minor issue? Now it worries me. But after thinking about it all day and looking at its symptoms, I'll honestly be happy if it turns out to be hyperthyroidism LOL I'll gladly take medicine to cure how inexplicably tired I am all the damn time. Hoping it's something as simple and treatable as that!!

My doctor had asked if I've been feeling stressed and I confidently said no.... Because I genuinely didn't feel like I've been too overtly stressed out or overworked recently? I am a bit of an anxious person but it just kind of laid low like static in the background. I am scared about the music video (that I'm directing) but after I got over the recent hurdle, I've been feeling less stressed or rushed about it.. Of course, it's always, constantly in the back of my mind and.....wow never mind, I guess I have been stressed but it's just kind of lowkey and constant rather than a burst LOL. Yeah. I do often feel restless. The shoot is next week so..... I'm pretty nervous. Never mind, I am stressed. That's going to be a lot of people I don't want to embarrass myself in front of. It's gonna be a lot of work coming up with the shot list and schedule, then studying it til I know it inside and out. I seriously hope that I can execute on my promises. It's gonna be an exhausting, long fuckin 12+ hour physically, mentally, socially active day and I am just already tired allllll of the time so I don't know how I'm gonna survive o<-<....

(Trivial but I'm also bummed to be cut off from caffeine—not because I regularly consume it thankfully—but because when I do have caffeine I'm usually treating myself to something that I really like, like matcha or milk tea or chocolate......)

Feeling much better now! After a few times of having to sneakily hide my tears at work, I decided to selfishly ask Fome (who's an hour away) if he could come over tonight and watch Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back with me.. Bless him Q^Q.. It was definitely what I needed to soothe my anxiety. Oh yeah also I suddenly fell deep into Star Wars lore and have now watched 7 of the movies and probably over 10 hours of analysis videos/interviews/bts over just the past couple weeks because I was home a lot during the holidays. Oops. Most of Empire was really good! Rogue One will probably be my favorite. ^^ All of my bosses love Star Wars so it's been fun having something that we're all excited to talk about.

~✨~✨~

Heh I fell asleep with my laptop on me before publishing the post..... Didn't imagine that I'd be hit with even more fear today. orz

I woke up and noticed what seemed like a developing mole/scab on my neck that I'd never seen before? If I had scratched myself overnight, it was weird that it would already be at that stage... The more I tried to see if I could take out the scab before it turned into a mole, the more I realized that it didn't seem like a scab? And it's actually part of a bump that hurts to touch?

One of my bosses is a thyroid cancer survivor and I remember him telling us the story of him finding a bump on his neck, initially thinking it was a shaving cut, and his doctor being glad that he got it checked out pretty quickly.

Yeaaaaaaaaah IIIIIIIIII just cried the whole way driving to work . . thinking about the worst... not knowing if I needed to put off work (AAAA BUT MUSIC VIDEO SO SOON) and try to see a doctor today or if it could wait until my appointment that's just in 2 days....

My boss examined it and confirmed that indeed—that's around where the thyroid is. I just hella cried in front of him loool.. But thankfully he says it develops pretty slowly so it's okay for me to wait a few days and see if it's just a pimple or scab, and that the blood test I took will reveal all, and that I could talk to him about it anytime. I'm doing okay now ;v;


Edit:
So apparently...... there's nothing wrong? with my blood test or EKG or the bump? I'm not sure I believe it, but for now all I've been told is to exercise so I'm going to get back into dancing whenever I can.