The Reunion

I began writing this on August 22nd, the day after the described events, and very slowly continued it from October 5th!

When I found this draft, I so regretted that I didn't finish the post right away because I'm sure that what I'm able to convey now months later is drastically distanced from the feelings I had at that time. Sad to say I actually didn't even remember writing most of that draft—it took a while to jog my memory and put myself back in those shoes...... I wonder what else I would have written then.. 😭


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August 22nd, 2021:

Hi! It feels like it's been a long time since I wrote a truly personal post like this... To be frank, I don't look forward to writing it 😅 but what just passed is such a huge milestone and frequent occupant of my thoughts for the past two months—I think future me will thank myself for leaving this entry in the diary.

I........
I went to my high school 10 year reunion!!! Wild, I know!!

(fun fact: i got clip-on bangs—ye that's not my real hair—just for this bc of a bad haircut lol)

How was I comfortable going to an event during a pandemic, you ask? The venue is huge and not many RSVP'ed. Vaccination is almost universally supported locally and there is a mask mandate for public indoor places, of which the organizer sent a reminder beforehand—you're supposed to wear a mask except when eating or drinking. I went trusting that people were responsible and now I wonder if I'm too naive...? It began with everyone masked 'til eventually just me. Disappointing and scary. ><

(Edit: Though I tried to be safe, out of paranoia I also took a COVID test a couple days afterwards... and I was pretty mad about it so those peeps are damn lucky I tested negative. 😤)


This reunion strangely meant a lot to me, and I wish it didn't. I am proud of the current Me—it dawned on me lately that I'm pretty happy with the way I've transformed and bloomed over the years to become a version of me that I honestly can say that I like.

While recently reconnecting with some people I hadn't seen in years, it was crystal clear how I've become relatively more outgoing, proactive, bright, confident, empathetic, and dare I say sometimes funny if comfortable enough. I used to carve every single moment I'm able to make someone laugh into my heart and now I don't need to. It's become much easier to me to develop a friendly rapport with those I'm newly acquainted with and I'm not too afraid of having an outspoken presence in the room. Now I'm definitely still fairly awkward but compared even to the person I was during college, I've come so far! ;u;

At some point I began to feel obsessed with wanting to prove this to myself and everyone possible. I yearned to officially put behind my days as a wallflower nobody with negative social skills—to shed my place as that coward with a dark cloud above their head at all times and nothing worthy to contribute. It was the redemption arc I daydreamed about more than I'd like to admit... And I actually gained enough confidence that I stood the chance of doing it!!

Funny thing is that I actually wasn't initially invited to the reunion..... The organizers don't know me and I didn't end up staying in touch with anyone from high school. Two months ago I happened to bump into an old friend at the park and the subject came up as we reconnected, so that's how I found out! I've got Fate alone to thank for looking out for my forgettable ass 😭🙏


Aaaa,, you may have already surmised by the tone of this post, but I didn't succeed to my satisfaction. I was still so awkward, in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. Even after literally a decade, I still felt my place in the ol' status quo and all the suffocation of it.

I went to the reunion with one of my old friends with whom I had just reconnected (other old friends couldn't or didn't want to attend), loosely expecting not to know anyone else there. I had no idea it could be worse than I imagined.. It really felt like I knew almost nobody and I couldn't overcome it...... but everyone else already knew each other—they were catching up and reminiscing. Meanwhile I was at "nice to meet you"s and "you probably don't remember me, but" and describing which group I hung out with at lunch and them not knowing I ever existed.

In all fairness there were a few worthy conversations where I contributed and a couple folks I briefly vibed with! It was only for 90% of the time that I was deathly awkward! :'))))) My friend had lots of other people to catch up with—which I earnestly love for her and don't blame her the least bit for—so there were times I just....floated like a stiff plastic bag. It was too difficult to try to join a group where people were already established with one another. Like cliques. And people were outgoing and funny and had things in common and many people enjoyed drinks together, some danced to the DJ... I could see that the popular kids were popular for a reason—because they could actually say and do things that were engaging and had little reason to be afraid of judgment. When I was around people, there were many times I couldn't insert myself in the conversation or froze up instead of thinking of anything remotely witty or intelligent or interesting or charming.

I could tell that I disappointed some people that were trying their best to figure me out. I could tell that some took pity on me when I was bumbling around by myself—kind souls that gently informed me that they and their friends were moving to another area so I could silently follow them like a little duckling... or someone who invited me to sit with them during the raffle; I owe them my life. 😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 Despite being probably one of the tallest people at this event (lmao ugh) I felt so small and helpless.

Being transported back to high school invited the return of really, truly horrible thoughts.... that I hated myself.... that I must be a pathetic loser........which isn't even fucking true lmao 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'd gotten much better at self-love/self-respect and being able to see things more objectively and be less prone to pessimism or self-destruction lately, plus my mental health has been rather sound—it just felt so devastatingly upsetting that I could suddenly have such regressive thoughts.

It's still a tangibly clear image in my head: that night I'd see my reflection in the dark windows of the downtown buildings—and all I could think about was how much I hated myself in that moment. I hated the way I was dressed. I hated how I stood out from everyone else in both appearance (comparatively formal attire, overall style, my height) and social skill. I hated feeling this way considering I recently began feeling more comfortable dressing however I like; it was such an achievement to me. I hated how I gave off the impression that spurred one asshole to literally say to me, "I bet you don't drink. You look like the straight-edged type that thinks that drinking is below them. Oh, you had one cocktail? Ohhhhh, one cocktail~~!" and I had no good retort. I hated how even as an adult I still didn't feel worthy of talking to those I regarded as above me on the status quo as teenagers. I hated how I couldn't fit in anywhere; at least even the ""nerds"" had each other for conversations I wouldn't be able to keep up with. I hated that I was so different yet felt that there was nothing special about me. I hated how boring and fearful I was. I hated that I couldn't show my growth after all, everything that I built up over the last ten years.

But after a bit of time, I understood once again that I'm doing okay. Compared to even the recent past I've significantly shrunk the gap; I've made lots of strides :> It doesn't change the fact that I generally like who I've become. Now I see that interactions all depend on my chemistry with others and how comfortable I feel expressing myself. There are plenty of people that I have things in common with whom I share better chemistry with! A lot of people deeply cherish me and see me as a source of light. Many friends said that I'm extremely brave for even considering going to the reunion.

And I will say that overall I regarded enough of that day to be a "fun" sort of adventure. Even in my vulnerable state I didn't regret going. On the other hand, if I hadn't gone I would've regretted it forever! Everyone besides that jackass was pretty nice ;u; For the people that I somewhat knew, it was cool to see them again and they (plus those who didn't remember me but compared me to our yearbook) told me that I look totally different now ahahahaha. Thank you glo up.