Gosh I really do not want to think about the fact that I'm 29 now LOL... It's too close to thirty, I can't do this. Not to propagate the ugly myth that one's life ends after your twenties but there are certain societal expectations that kick in; and I just personally don't check off the boxes in many departments such as life skills, aesthetics, independence, interests... There's so many things I can't do for myself and also don't necessarily care about nor have the energy for. I'm currently not interested in moving forward to any other "stage" in life. In general, my taste particularly leans more childish and less sophisticated, and I'm a late bloomer who only recently started to express things more so I wish to keep exploring that without probable judgment. Still don't feel like I'm even completely out of my shell or have shedded my social awkwardness yet. And I keep making more friends in their early-to-mid twenties and just do not want my age to ever be perceived again... 😣 I genuinely hate that I always feel so embarrassed of who I am (and pity my parents) for a stupid reason like not fitting societal norms even though I'm overall a hardworking, fairly responsible person and doing little harm. I could simply not care.
Funnily enough, I just revisited my post Twenty-eight from last year and not only did I use the exact same vocabulary, but also made a 180 degree swerve in mentality lmao. I'm weak now. It was easier to say all that at 28 than...y'know, that age that I am now. But those words do give me a bit more courage!
How quickly do things turn from "I don't need to check off requirements in order to feel worthy of my stage in life" to "I hate that I loathe myself because others will perceive me as unworthy."
I'm also not ready to watch my family grow old, or for things I've always known as sturdy to erode. I'm not ready to become the strong one, or to be fully confident in myself and everything I represent. I don't desire anything in my situation to change. Aging is terrifying and there's so little of adulthood that I want anything to do with...
Somehow this post went in an extremely grim direction, I'm so sorry LOL.
Like I said last year, right? In the end most of this stuff doesn't signify much. I'm really glad that I wrote that. ;u; Let's just do our best and be whoever we want to be in the precious time that we have.
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New in my style this year!!!
- I've committed to training my bangs to fall downwards so it's front bangs all the time now ✨
- Bought rings and started wearing 'em! My new favorite low-effort-high-visual-upgrade hack.
- Now almost exclusively wearing high-waisted pants and skirts 👌 (+ getting more into crop tops!)
- I won a Fitbit in the staff raffle from volunteering for Fanime :D!! I'd never owned one or a smartwatch before, so this was legitimately lifechanging and motivates me to try to exercise nearly every day. It is now a permanent attachment to this human body.
It's hereeeee! I love the change in styles over the years!
ReplyDeleteIt's always important to be able to reflect on your life regularly. There's nothing wrong with changing your viewpoint; sometimes that can be what you need to grow and address the challenges in life. Some days you just need to stay in and sing, some days are #yolo time to meet a thousand new people at con. Every thing is a part of you and it's wonderful!
Even though things change, I like to remind myself that keeping things stagnant when I was younger was also a painful time. Growing older for me now pushes me to be the senpai in other people's lives as much as I can! I used to just be scared of change, but I realized that was due to my inexperience in handling it all.
How's the Fitbit? I hope you're getting your steps in!
Baww thanks for waiting for this post! T__T It truly means a lot that you've been looking after me for so long; I don't think I can express that enough.
Delete"Growing older for me now pushes me to be the senpai in other people's lives as much as I can!"
Totally agree and it's one of the bright sides for sure! Gaining experience so that we can give back and help others along is a wonderful thing ^^ Thank you for putting that into words; it's a perspective that I hadn't actively appreciated enough.
And I'm super happy with having this Fitbit bahahaha it's a huge source of motivation!!