GI, pt. 1

Hello.... I'm just here to rant for a quick second. 😭

It's that time again where I be cryin' in my car after a doctor's appointment hahaha....... I need to go pick up meds and get home to continue my workday, but I wanna process my feelings first. Not bad news, just frustration!

So leading up to this I've been seeing an ENT about my throat issues since it really escalated last year, was diagnosed with laryngopharyngeal reflux (basically acid reflux affecting your vocal cords) and have been on medication and diet and lifestyle changes for 6 months. Typically with this treatment it should be resolved in about 3 months but even after 6 although it's improved tremendously, I don't think I'm quite "normal" yet?

The ENT referred me to a GI to get my stomach checked for any underlying/more serious causes to my reflux beyond the typical factors like food and certain lifestyle habits—but the nearest appointment I could get had a 3 month wait (at least ENT had the highest recommendation for this doctor) and today was finally, finally, fINALLY !! that day that I was hoping would give me progress and answers.

First order of business was gradually getting me off my current meds because they're risky to take long-term and 6 months is too long and apparently I've been on the double dose version... This I totally understand but makes me worried too because if I'm still having symptoms when I'm this medicated (and careful), am I gonna be okay when I'm off of it...? 😭

Basically the entire tone of the appointment was "You're young and healthy and have no family history of issues, so things are probably fine!!!" and that built up so much frustration in me that by the end of the appointment I was choking up as I spoke. It took everything in me to keep my tears from coming out and try to not act like I was secretly hellaaa upset. Almost broke when I told him that I sing as a hobby and had to stop doing it.

He casually gave me the choice of taking an endoscopy or not (procedure where you're sedated and they look into your gastrointestinal tract) and implied he didn't see a need or that it was better to wait and see what happens after I stop medication, but like ?!?!?! Sir, why else would I have come all the way to you if not for a medical examination???????

I had told him that I've had acid reflux for a long time, years and years, and it got severe to the point of affecting my throat and ability to speak/sing. Whenever I cheat on my diet, I still get symptoms and I wanna eat like a normal person and have delicious things again!!!! At this point I'm so desperate for answers and to make progress and I want to get everything checked professionally and thoroughly. 

I'm so tired of conjecture and downplaying and assumptions that I'm healthy so everything will resolve itself or that it's fine to just leave things be—do you know how many years I've done that? We're at this point now BECAUSE of all the years I and my parents didn't take issues seriously.

When I asked if it'll be "normal" to suddenly have a flare up in symptoms when I eat certain foods even though my friends are totally fine, he basically said that maybe it is the case that I need to give up those foods forever or just deal with the symptoms. WHAT THE FUCKK!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW IS THAT OKAY?? Do you know how many extremely commonly used ingredients I've been having to carefully try to avoid, and often cannot so I end up suffering for it!!!! And then it burns my throat 😭😭😭

I want to be allowed to eat yummy things again!!!!!!

I want to be able to sing whenever I want to!!!!!!

And then he also basically said, "Well you've been on strong medication for a while so if you're having symptoms then you should try to be mindful of what else might be causing those symptoms." which makes me want to scream!!!!! Kinda victim-blaming vibes? And almost a non-solution? My dude, I've been doing my best to be diligent and the causes can now easily be pinpointed to certain foods and you know what processes the food? My stomach. And you're the stomach expert whom I'm relying on to find out if my stomach is doing its job correctly 😭 Ok sorry I'm still sitting in my car and started getting mad LOL.

To be fair, he has no idea what this whole affair has led to with putting a hold on my hobbies and creative/emotional outlet, the soul-killing fears that I'd completely lose the ability to ever sing or rap or voice act ever again, giving up one of the few things I hold dear and that so much of my life has revolved around..... Of course he doesn't see the stakes or urgency; to him I'm just a healthy young woman with some minor inconveniences.

So we getting that endoscopy and I hope I made it clear to him that I'm looking for answers. I tried to convey that but idk because talking is hard and I was trying not to cry.... Thank the heavens—the earliest appointment was going to be in August—but I'm sneaking into a cancellation slot next week!! 🙏

Oops it's been an hour, thank you bye bye I drive now.

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Wanted to tack on an update about my throat as well - its condition fluctuates! This week it's doing poorly but at times it's decent enough...to have allowed me to record a little, very unexpected cover. 👁

ENT said that even after removing the stressors, the throat can take a while to recover so I'm just believing for now that it's taking its time to slowly heal and healing isn't linear, etc etc.

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06/21:

Endoscopy done! It went fine with no complications, phew, signing all those waivers listing a bunch of potential risks made me anxious—I was sitting nervously in the waiting room thinking, "God I wish they'd just sedate me now" lmao. There was some painful stuff I'll spare you details of, then I took a nice little nap, and doc told me afterwards that they found everything looking fairly normal and no ulcers...which is technically good but doesn't explain things..... Samples were sent to lab testing which should have results next week so we'll see; hopefully they'll find something there!