half baked mud pie

I'm in the transitional phase. And it's weird.

Graduation season is making me extra sensitive and screwy. Graduation day was depressing. And now everywhere on facebook are graduates, their sentimental graduation messages of gratitude, their family's sentimental graduation messages of glowing pride—and I just get sour like the curmudgeon that I am because I did this shit on my own against putdowns and see no celebration, but rather an unwelcome welcoming of pressures, now merciless without the excuse of school.

All the time, people are asking me, "You graduated, so what's the plan now?" "When are you going to look for a full time job?" "You're going to find a stable job really soon, right? Don't wait because now's a good time in the economy." "So are you quitting this job soon?" "Don't you want to make more money now that you're out of school?" "Why do you waste your time with useless things you're not getting paid for?"

Ok. I work 2 part time jobs. I've been at one of them for 4 years despite it being in a field I don't want to pursue. The second job my professor referred me to, and I had my interview just a few days after graduation. It's for a cool start-up video production company doing some things that are relevant to my "education" and so far I like it there. (I bitterly quote that word because I'm not entirely sure if I'm knowledgeable or capable enough for someone who has a bachelor's degree and is going out into the professional world..... What did I learn or what can I do that many other people can't already do or could easily be learned off the internet? What even distinguishes me from them? Just a piece of paper I'm not confident in.)

Even if I tell that to people, they brush it off like a joke. I don't get it. They don't get it. What's wrong with what I'm doing? I'm lucky to have had a good opportunity practically given to me. I don't think the adults I interact with understand that starting out small and slow isn't so bad and is normal. They think it's so simple to go out and secure some stable, high-paying, full time job right away? And is that always the right thing to do—something I'm obligated to do? Am I not allowed to catch my breath a little? (And by that I mean in between my two jobs.)

My weekends are also filled up by student film shoots of long, long hours. Last weekend we went 7 PM to 7 AM overnight, I got to nap a few hours, and then back to shoot again from 5:30 PM til midnight. The second session I tried to get out of because I wasn't feeling well, but went to because they put me in a bigger role and needed me. It's exhausting, it's probably taxing on my health, it's time consuming, I know. But I don't like these film shoots being so belittled just because I'm volunteering long hours without pay. ;; It's still experience and it's valuable network-building with talented people who may be my colleagues one day, and networking is so, so important in this field. It's not like I'm doing all this meaninglessly :/

And that's precisely the thing—that I feel like a lot of people take my achievements and make them feel meaningless. You work 2 jobs? It means nothing, you lost little cur; go do some real adult things. You volunteer and suffer without pay? What a waste of time, you idiotic twit. You want to spend time doing irrelevant hobbies? I can't believe you'd try to do anything that might give you joy when you could be making money instead.

This is another dumb moment where I get angry at the world's values that I can't do anything to change but make me feel like I'm unfit and not ready to be a part of this society because the worship of money and materialism shoved into my face is driving me crazy when I don't want to live my life dedicating all of my energy to making money but it seems like others expect me to. Of course I feel financial responsibility or else I wouldn't have been working for 4 years and paying rent and tuition, but .. BUT..... I don't know. Shit's too intense for me. I'm pretty content. I just need enough to get by; I don't want a lot, I intend to have a career but won't necessarily kill for a top of the top job, I don't desire expensive or flashy things. If anything I first need to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin, more confident, how to be happy and relaxed, how to feel meaningfully fulfilled and accomplished, how to be a nontoxic person, how to let go of negativities, how to function without periodic emotional breakdowns, how to not let everything drive me crazy in my head, just how to live—not merely survive.
Feels like I'm being pressured to take step 5, when I've kinda sorta fiddled with step 3, and I'm struggling to handle step 1.