Written February 2nd, 2024. I decided not to publish it because it's too dark.
Published December 30th, 2024.
A string of some honest, fleeting thoughts I suddenly wanted to jot down before I drift off for the night. In bed feeling rather drowsy with my first time catching COVID. Thankfully it hasn't been so bad, nothing to worry about here. <3
Will I stay awake long enough to finish typing and publishing this...? We shall see. It's really been a long time since I was active on this blog so I wanted to take advantage of the sudden urge to write down these thoughts.
TW // talking about death, ideation, and some sad things
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For someone who sometimes thinks that she wouldn't mind the escape,
I find the thought of death still terrifying. And I think that's a good thing.
Do you ever worry that one of these days, your heart is going to just suddenly forget how to do its job...? And then it'll all be over.....? Uhhh yeah me neither.
I hope that breathing comes so naturally to my body that it will always remember to do it even if I forget.
Somewhere recently I read about a child, who before passing on, simply told their father that they were sleepy. Then closed their eyes and they were gone.
I'm not too sure what to say about that, but it's something that's stuck with me. To watch someone's eyes close for the last time is so sad.
Nowadays when I think about if I were to disappear, I think of all the unfinished things that would continue that way til the end of time.
The fact that there would be no more chances for anything ever.
And I think people would grieve me a lot; and I don't like the idea of that. So I think that's actually a very good thing, that I find myself so afraid of death.
It's interesting to see that you're both accepting but terrified of death. While it's not something most of us strive for, trying to avoid it at all costs is what turns us into Voldemort lol. You've worked hard to avoid COVID for years; it's important to secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others. There are many people who love you and would absolutely grieve your absence. I hope for all the best for you, that you find a happy path forward, and that you continue to be afraid of death the way it is afraid of you.
ReplyDeleteHeyy Eva, I just wanted to add one last comment here. I completely agree with Anonymous—you should always secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others. I came across a phrase online that says, 'Self-care is the cup you pour from,' and I think it really highlights how important it is to take care of yourself first. I hope you give yourself the time and space you need for that. By the way, your point from your other post about the shifting expectations across age groups really resonated with me—I forgot to mention it earlier! It’s so refreshing to see more acceptance for rediscovering ourselves at different stages of life.
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