"Pursue what you love."

What unexpectedly double-edged words.


"Pursue what you love. A career like that will make you happy. Because your heart is in it, you'll give it your all and excel much farther than you would doing something just to get by. You will feel fulfilled, and no effort will be wasted—neither yours or those that're teaching you."

Great advice. Moving, actually. And yet due to the context, it's hard to deny suspicions that this is a sugarcoated disguise for:
"Pursue something else—what you love. What you have right now won't make you happy. Because your heart isn't in this, you're not going to excel. You won't feel fulfilled, and you are wasting the efforts both of yourself and us who are teaching you what you are not interested in."

These thoughts have been floating around in my writer's bladder for a few months, and I guess I'll be honest today although I fear these topics taboo. But I suppose I don't have too much to lose, seeing as how I have to quit my job soon anyway. Eventually, I do need to leave to find an internship or job related to my major, but that is not right now.

I'm there 20 hours a week and I admit that I spend at least 15 of these hours either feeling or in fear of being useless, unwanted, not good enough, like a mistake. And this is excluding the social-related anxieties and feeling ostracized. The first two years I worked, everyone kept asking me if I was going to change my major to accounting. From coworkers to my parents, there was so much pressure—but I know I'm not interested in this field as a career. Now that everyone's aware that I'm set on keeping my radio-TV-film major, the pressures have changed. In others' eyes as I'm beheld, I fear scorn, I fear disappointment, ridicule, doubt, mistrust. Am I seen as a flaw? Am I someone they shouldn't even bother with? Why talk to me? Why trust me to accomplish anything? There has actually been a noticeable change in behavior from my coworkers towards me, in either distancing themselves from me or assuming I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared to hell to mess up because I know people will look at me and tsk away, having known that I would cause trouble since I'm not a finance major. What am I even doing on the finance team?

I wonder if this is really a waste of time, and if I'm a waste of time and money for the company.
I wonder if it's really true that because I'm not interested in this field, I won't excel or give it my all, and am not a good asset for those around me.

Today, we held an 8-person meeting among some members of the finance and technical support teams. The operation manager announced to everyone:

"Eva's a great helper. She catches all these little mistakes without causing any of them.
How are we going to handle the inventory adjustments after she leaves?"

asdlkfjslfjdlkfsl I squeeee'ed 'cause he specifically used the words "great helper." ;//////;

This compliment really brightens up my damp, worry-filled world. I'm so happy to help. I'M SO HAPPY TO HELP. That's what I'm supposed to do and damn it feels good to know someone thinks I'm doing it right.

Since receiving that "pursue what you love" lecture, I've been wondering: is it a waste of time to do something you don't love? My conclusion is that I don't think so.

My heart may not be in finance, but my heart is in giving things my best effort.
And once I've decided I'll try, damn do I give everything I've got. I've no experience in business, but I've picked everything I need up pretty well, and I'm always attentive and even started being more assertive. In no way do I think I'm lacking at my finance job (at least in the tasks under my jurisdiction) because I'm a radio-TV-film major—because to me, this isn't about finance or about making money doing a part-time job. In the end, I still care about what I do, and what I want is to always pour my efforts out to will's length. And that's fulfilling to me.

Today's compliment really helps make me feel like it's all worth it after all. ;//u//; I'm always worried about making mistakes (which is really not acceptable in a professional work environment!!) so it's reassuring to hear that I haven't caused anything yet... Plus I think I'm a pretty thorough person, so I'm very happy that my personal skillset is apparently beneficial. See!!! I can contribute even without knowing finance or business. And it's nice to feel helpful and appreciated. AAHHHHH.