Reaching for Clouds when Stars Don't Shine

Just wanted to jot down a bit about something that's been on my mind often. :D I had a pretty lengthy and interesting conversation with Yano and Kazou today about this, and I'm glad I did because it's reassuring that there are others that think the exact same way I do.

Maybe it's because I started becoming surrounded by people who desire great things: become a rock star, be a successful freelance composer, work for a big famous company, pick up and relocate, travel the world, and of course everyone I remember who aims to be a surgeon, gynecologist, a glorious lawyer for justice. There's nothing wrong with that! They do what they want!! But with exposure to that, constant external pressure to become something and decide on my path, and recently seeing into how almost everyone in my major has been actively working on films or radio to pursue their very special goal, I started wondering if there's something wrong with me. Because I have no dreams for the future.

Or so I really thought for years. But I think it's okay if your dream is to be happy and making a decently humble living. It's okay if your dream is to work a small-title job that you don't dread and that feeds you, while enriching other aspects of your life. It's okay to not have a big dream, to not want to be anything extraordinary, to take things step by step, to be content with your life! I'm actually very happy with my life right now and that's a great thing.

But in such a competitive environment where all that most family, coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances care about is when you're going to graduate and what your career plan is for the future, it's hard to not feel anxious or incompetent. University starts again later this month and that frightens me beyond the usual anxiety about attending school and being around other university students. I dipped my foot into the world of film last semester (and somehow won the sound design award for my first film, holy shit?!) and I see how serious and passionate the filmmaker-aspiring students are about their craft. And if not that, then they're managing the school's radio station or doing internships related to media.

When I go back, what can I say I've done this summer?
I worked dedicatedly hard on a cosplay, felt totally accomplished on its completion, was praised for its execution while proudly wearing it at a con. Took a break to catch up on sleep and indulge in relaxing things I like. Spent time recording and mixing for upcoming projects. Made money by working 20-25 hours a week and gained confidence in being capable in a field I've never been interested in. Started to exercise daily and am improving on my endurance and physical strength, and am actually enjoying/wanting to move despite 21 years of hating physical movement. Started working on next year's cosplay which we're excited to do a group for. Spent a lot of quality time with friends and felt like I'm building close and meaningful friendships. Been true to myself. Felt like I'm growing as a person and breaking more out of my shell. Was very happy with life in general.

Instead of that, what would people hear? Oh, Eva worked on no films or productions and has furthered herself in no way in the pursuit of a career. It's okay that that's important to them. But to me, all of the things I've done or plan to do this summer are just as important.

One of the things we discussed was how people say that you should aim high so that if you fall, you'll still be able to land yourself a formidable height. I can understand that, but it's not for me because my values and desires are different? We were talking about how if you're aiming so much for that shiny goal, oftentimes you miss out on or don't appreciate the steps in between. (I see it happening around me when people are dissatisfied that they're not successful yet, even though I think it's still possible to feel satisfied with the little achievements while journeying.) Or if you focus so much on reaching that one thing, you miss this path and that path and oh, that other path over there.

In that last case, we were referring more to having a specific, concrete goal.. but then again, most big dreamers I think wouldn't settle for an ambiguous one. After all, it's with specialization--a small surface area--that one can apply more of a push. And yet, I personally can't agree with wanting to sprint my entire life through a tube at the end of which is a narrow, little slit. To me, that's what it sounds like. Realistically, we can't control what opportunities we'll have in the future as much as we want to try. I'm sure those with real passion for what they're running towards could be able to put in the extra effort to earn themselves the job they want, but that kind of sacrifice might not be something I'm willing to expend. Realistically, a lot of people end up getting jobs or building careers in fields completely unrelated to the degrees they have. What matters is that you have a diploma, that you're competent in what you're applying for, and hardworking enough to keep the job.

So maybe I don't know what I want to do yet. So maybe I'm okay with learning everything that I can about a variety of things for now, and going after whatever opportunities later. So maybe I don't desire for much, don't want to be anyone famous, am completely happy in Norcal and in the house I'm living in (I already pay rent but willing to pay more later), happy with the job I have even if it's unrelated to my major, and want to "waste" time bonding with friends that feel like the icing on top.
If only I liked icing.