Chains

on the freedom of expression are the heaviest.

I really, mrgh.. have been feeling unmotivated lately. Like my spirit's been sucked out of me. Because life is busy and stressful, but not in any kind of fulfilling way. The drive I used to have to really pour all of my effort and heart into anything I engage in has taken a back seat--because what I'm being forced to do doesn't feel worth it, doesn't feel beneficial or rewarding, and I don't have a choice. I already have little to no free time, so it just feels sucky that the things I must commit my time to feel like a waste. Like going to class, where I feel like I'm hardly learning anything recently but attendance is required. And there's been a lot of disrespect and a lot of belittling of us students. How are we the inexperienced going to ever break out of this trap if only the experienced elite are allowed to do anything? Work is good, but just too busy, too overwhelming, and my newly bestowed tasks allow 0 innovative freedom which kind of makes me feel dead inside. Homework is a waste of time. Having assignments to spend the night on when you get home late everyday is a fucking bummer. But I will do all my homework because I have an obsession with grades that's arguably unhealthy. And this month, there will be lots of film shoots for projects I'm not even given room to care about because I'm just an inexperienced lackey and free student labor, and suddenly I matter when they want me to give up more of my time and my weekends... Go to work, film shoot until probably past 1 AM, go to work/class the next day, somehow fit homework in there, rinse and repeat. Obligation and no 'me time.' Gross. Lethargy. And frustrating ass people aren't really helping either.

And in the midst of this, I'm trying to find an outlet somehow somewhere. Two things that give me a recharge: singing and writing.

Sometime last week, I decided to procrastinate on an assignment (guess who's dealing with that now heh) and instead write and record a rap because I impulsively really felt like doing it, and this is one of the best things I've done in the past couple weeks in terms of personal fulfillment. It makes me so happy even if I'm not great at lyric writing or rapping. But... no time to mix it...... I wonder when it will be able to see the light of day, heh. :'D Plus I don't know if anyone will like or appreciate it.

And recently, I've had this inexplicable desire to write a screenplay. I didn't even have any story ideas; I just liked the very process of writing a screenplay.
So I spent my gap between classes yesterday trying to brainstorm story ideas, since I couldn't go home and do more urgently productive things. I realized that what gets me so stuck when it comes to screenwriting is the restriction of my imagination to merely reality, what's "easy to film," what's relatable to college students, etc. For us Radio-TV-Film students, it's so hammered into our heads that what's important is film production. When I write screenplay, I'm told to think about what might be filmable. When you try to make small talk with others in the major, they ask about if you're doing any film shoots. You just kind of forget that there's "Radio-TV" also attached to our lol degree title lol and that live action, accessible films aren't the only films there are.

I'm sorry, but truth be told, reality gets boring for me.
When I saw Book of Life (which btw is an AMAAAAAAAZING gem of a movie that I want to see again and highly recommend), I had this realization like, "This narrative and dialogue are all so well done..... The writing is great.. Ah........ wait, scripts can apply to animation as well... Maybe I can write a screenplay for animation, and it's okay even if my imagination soars?! Whoa!"

And animation is like a whole other world to me since nobody even mentions it in our department. You kind of forget that in animation, there are also people writing and editing and designing audio.....? The entire team isn't just made up of artists...? :'D (I actually am very interested in maybe trying to work on sound for animation or video games in the future heheh. But we learned nothing of the sort in classes, so good luck me.)

It's scary how much quicker a story comes to me when I have freedom of imagining life beyond humans. I came up with a simple premise as my short gap between classes would allow. I went to class all newly pumped up--not for the actual class at all--but to be able to bounce my thoughts and bombard my animation major classmate with questions.

I had a lot of apprehension I wanted to ask him about. Perhaps I'm thinking too practical and being the very thing entrapping myself. But what I wanted to know was: is there a point in me writing for animation when I'm not an animation major? This is the effect of film people practically ramming the belief that there's no point in writing screenplays unless it's filmable down my throat. Are there different rules between writing for film and for animation? I know animation majors focus a lot on coming up with characters, so since they already have the ideas, do they just develop those into stories? And meanwhile, there's no need for a pure writer or filmmaker to write a story that will be actually produced by other people? No need to 'outsource' for ideas?

"You should write whatever you feel like writing," this classmate told me. Oh, so much relief. That's what I need to hear.

Still, the answers to the questions were as I somewhat expected. They start with art designs and go into storyboarding. The outline and script are fluid, and there's no blueprint that dictates how the entire animation will go. In other words, it seems like there's no room for me. And the unfortunate lack of focus on narrative in the film major is just as apparent in the animation major. We have no classes about how to properly develop a story; what we learn is mostly technical or aesthetically driven.

This classmate didn't say or do anything wrong and I really appreciate him showing interest and discussing all this with me. But I just couldn't help but feel shut down. "What were you thinking for character design?" I don't know. I didn't think that far. That's not even one of the first things I think of. "You would want to keep to certain shapes for this kind of character. And how about conflicts?" So the one thing I felt a spark from, the one way I thought I might express myself with, I feel like I'm not qualified to do and like there's no point in me doing it. Not that there's time, heh.

And then I get sad because this all reflects a lot of work I see, whether done by students, or online, or professionally. Substance and cohesive narrative are no longer key despite how important they are, and how much they do make or break the quality of a piece. What's concentrated on is superficial--though I do acknowledge there's importance in appearance and presentation. How should we light this shot? What does the character look like? Custom art and animation are not only required, but make up a large portion of your score! And very little thought into conducting a story that makes sense and is fascinating/meaningful, or the actual singing in what's advertised as a 'singing' competition. Yes, that was an extremely pointed comment.