Clipped

I haven't been this angry in a while.
Long story short: my professor discouraged me from doing an assignment, and I was so angry I cried.
Sounds stupid and unreasonable, right? That's exactly what it is.
But it's not about this minuscule event--it's not even about my professor--but the meaning behind it and everything it represents about the world's values and THEY MAKE ME ANGRY.

Last semester, I realized that I wanted to write a screenplay for fun because I enjoy the very process of writing in the screenplay format. I wrote a whole post about me realizing that I wanted to write for animation because I hate how reality restricts my creativity. How much I hate how the people around me are so focused on the very narrow mainstream. It's one of the reasons I'm always feeling like, "I don't belong," "I have no voice."

So today after my screenwriting class, I asked my professor about my idea.
It's a feature length animated film. The theme is about not conforming to the mold that society casts upon individuals. It's about defying destiny and the pressures of the world's suffocatingly defined rules. It's about becoming special and achieving the different and desired, in a sea of un-individualistic drones who have accepted their short lives and fixed, pre-chosen purpose. The actual concept is weird and not something I'm too confident in, but I have an affinity for it. I wanted to create a story that is innocent and fun(?) on the surface, with a deeper meaning beneath--although not necessarily optimistic. In the end, what I imagine in my vision is that we're ultimately still one among countless--really a small part of the world and easily forgotten, though try as we may to make a mark. But the attempt might still be worth it? Interpret this theme however you will.

And I'm angry because my professor and a couple classmates who were around (one of whom was an informed animation major) tried to discourage me from this idea, on the basis that "it's not sellable."

No, I'm angry because what's sellable is more important than me expressing what I want to express in a fulfilling way.

No, I'm angry because the values of the world dictate that money rules all and that everything you do must fuel a prospective career. It's all about money, right?

No, I'm angry because I'm not yet ready to be a part of this world whose values differ so much from mine, in a way that I can't yet handle.

THEY ARE TOTALLY, COMPLETELY RIGHT that it's impractical for me to be writing this thing that would never actually become something. Because I'm a graduating university senior and my priorities should be in creating works that serve as relevant portfolio pieces and can propel me in career establishment.
Because animation studios create their stories in-house and by storyboarding rather than basing it off a pre-written script. That's how the industry works. I can't change the industry, and there's no place for me to be a special snowflake. There is a norm. In order to survive, I must enter industry. In order for me to enter industry, I must adhere to the norm. (insert me vomiting)

But I hate being told that I have to adhere to the norm to the point of silencing the creative voice that's mine and unique that I so very rarely find. How often am I passionate about creating things? Not very. So I don't know what to do. Because the one thing I want to do, I'm told not to do. The one way I can find to express, I can't express under my circumstances. I don't know what to do. I have already been feeling like I have no place to be my unique self in my school environment, and this instance reflects it.

Unfortunately, with class, homework, my job, internship, and film fest volunteering, [+cosplay???? hobbies?? sleep?? friends???], I don't have the time to write this script on the side for fun while writing another 50 paged script for class. And I don't prefer to put it off and just say, "I'll write it later," because circumstances and priorities change. Impulsive desire dies. I want to grab onto it now while I'm actually passionate about something.

I'm mad because it seems like the world--or at least the part of it that I'm directly exposed to--values practicality and conformity over creativity and self-expression. I can't do anything to change it but I can't change my values to match it. This is exactly the kind of mold I don't want to partake in. Man, being part of society is hard..... #hellafirstworldproblemsTBH