Soooooo hi, oops, I disappeared from this blog for a year and a half. I guess we're catching up on everything at once!
Starting with my annual birthday mirror selfie: I turned 31 all the way back in May!
I think it's very funny how freaked out I was last year upon turning 30.
Once you make it over the hump, it's not nearly such a huge ordeal anymore. Many of my worries that I'd start to feel oppressed and guilted over my self expression, personality, tastes, wardrobe, certain lacking of ability — I don't even have time to worry about these days. I just express myself however the fuck I feel like, with however much cringe I want and the people around me reciprocate :-D
There's definitely fortunate timing involved though that I'm benefitting from! Have you noticed recently there seems to be a universal shift in what's considered young or old, and what the expectations are for each age group? So many people feel empowered to rediscover themselves in their 30's that they're no longer always expected to have everything figured out. Meanwhile the 20's are given more space to make mistakes, and the teens are finally recognized for how young and vulnerable they are.
Still... I try not to mention that I'm 31 years old if I can help it..... but hey, I'm proud that it's no longer a complete skeleton in the closet.
-
Over the past year I've thought a lot about my blog disappearance; it's a somewhat telling reflection on what kind of year I've had, I think. So many times I wondered what I'd say when I write here again and I never fully molded that answer until now...
In short: I think this year I've been overly busy in a negative way. I had been pushing myself too hard and am facing the consequences. Really it feels like I can recall February earlier this year... then I blinked and suddenly it was December and I was still holding my breath; now finally I can breathe but need to relearn how. Health was awful this year starting with my first COVID experience in February (avoided it for four years though!), a lingering cough til June that was so intense it sprained my ribs, two trips to Urgent Care, my heart issues relapsing, and overall having lower energy than ever before — but I've been making some healthier progress over the past couple weeks!
A major change this year is that responsibility increased in multiple aspects of my life and work — I'm constantly feeling like I carry a lot on my shoulders and it's made even the simple things harder to handle... Sometimes it's a little paralyzing. Unfortunately there's a lot of it I can't talk about publicly so it's not ventable ;;.
From this year of retrospection I realized I'd been actually afraid to write a blog again and be forced to confront why I stopped updating, because this is a place where I come to bare myself in all honesty. But I'd been running so hard I've been scared to ask myself things like: How am I doing? What can I say regarding how my life has been? Am I happy?
This question has been on my mind for weeks now because I told myself I was locking in on writing a year-end blog post. 😆
So I think this is my answer: Many days I did find myself feeling unhappy or having unhappy experiences, or struggling to do everything I needed to. However there are many beautiful things in my life and countless things I'm happy I did that I can be more grateful about, I've been blessed with (or earned) extraordinary opportunities as well as recognition and love from those around me, the few people who don't deserve my time will no longer be granted it, and if things come crashing down I should be more confident that it can be figured out and moved on from. And ultimately I am mostly happy with the person I currently am — and that alone is a win!
Working on my 2025 New Year's Resolutions now; will link when done~
 |
| 16, 21, 26, 31 |
