Suffocation

I'll be okay; I've already been feeling a lot better about everything. ^^
Not that any circumstances have changed. In the end, it comes down to your attitude and sometimes just.. shutting up and dealing with it.

What with all the stress, pressure, and nearly nonexistent relax time lately, I was feeling entrapped I suppose. Like juggling several bowling balls chained to your body. They will tangle and exhaust, but you're simply not allowed to drop any. Of course letting go is the solution to the weight, but there's no choice because necessity forces an inescapable momentum. On the one hand, it's as simple as dropping something you know this isn't the right time for--when personal advancement and fulfillment, priorities, experiences beneficial to future-building should take precedence. Because this is a crucial time in shaping your path. But it doesn't work like that. Is it holding me back? Yes, yet it's essential in other ways. And the mind knows that I'm lucky for what I have, that these are good circumstances even if stressful, despite not being relevant to what should be important right now. Regardless of what it is, it could feel fulfilling if only the heart found fulfillment and enjoyment in it. But it doesn't work like that. There's wishing I could quit. Knowing I should quit. Knowing I can't handle the consequences of quitting. Not having a choice in being prohibited from quitting. And my heart isn't in any of this stuff, beneficial to my advancement or not. Obligation obligation obligation.

Adding onto this is some loss of confidence and gnawing of regret and guilt that've been oh so plaguing me. In the small pond, I felt that I could do anything. In this larger world that I frankly can't say I genuinely care for, I don't know if I can even do anything or if I'm worth anything. And that's a shitty feeling that warranted the peeking head of some depression and expired attitudes I thought I'd buried. I do feel okay now! A few days in the dump but really you have to move on somehow. I just had to put myself again in a realm I care about, and see that despite the importance of larger things, they don't define me and don't tell all about me. Nobody's worthless after all :D