A Non-Thanksgiving-Related Thanksgiving Post

Hehe this might be a messy/incoherent post because I just got home from work like 3 minutes ago and have to eat dinner and then leave again to meet with some project groupmates at school at 8 PM. Gahh so busy, la.

I realized/decided when driving home from work today that I'm really happy with where I am.
Perhaps I wasn't even two days ago. But today--at this very moment--I'm happy being in this place and being all the things I am, and am grateful for all the things I have.
Yeah, I was miserable. Yeah, I spent days crying sporadically and then nonstop through the nights, and I didn't know how to pick myself up again. Yeah, I kind of miss and sometimes still yearn for the past. But somehow I'm still here and somehow I've started moving forward a little and somehow I'm at peace with myself and like the things around me.

Mostly I started thinking about this when I realized how much I love where I am with my friends right now, other than the fact that my best friend is now 7 hours away instead of 10 minutes. But I appreciate that our friendship hasn't changed and that she's still my best friend who I can always confide in and love (and call at 2 AM when I just really need someone there). I was kind of sad that the realm of friendships and experiences I had during summer are now pretty much gone, though I'm still trying to keep in contact  and would more than love to hang out again anytime. But I'm realizing that another door did open, and I'm loving the realm of friendships I have now too. I like having friends to casually and frequently hang out with, like Myst and Yano. And then I like our bigger Norcal parties with Karu, Kura, Fome, Dibur, Kazou, and Diji. I like that even though we're getting comfortable with each other, there's still much we don't know about each other and it's still new and exciting and enjoyable. We're still getting to experience new things and there's hardly a boring moment even if we're not doing much. It's nice. For once, I actually really like people, and I look forward to company, going out of the house, and trying to socialize more.

I like that there are a lot of people that really care about me. I hope I never forget how many people were concerned about me when I needed support, and how they reached out to me. I hope I never forget the feeling of strength and happiness I got from the support of my friends at that time, for they were the ones pulling me forward when I felt like everything stopped.

I like that I got a chance to really rethink myself, and my perception of and confidence in myself. I like that I've become an Eva who still sometimes is emotional or sad, but is much less susceptible to depression, self-hate, and spending hours in bed crying. I like that I'm starting to have more belief in and satisfaction with myself, my personality, my appearance, my abilities.

I like that I can still be somewhat logical and forgiving despite everything. I like that some people come to me for support, and I like that I've become much more patient and optimistic. I like that I've become less fearful of presenting myself.

I like that I'm still doing well in school--even though there were some times I was feeling too down or lifeless to attend class--and am sure I will be receiving well-earned straight A's this semester. I like that I have a good part-time job, even if it sometimes is stressful or really tiring. I like that I feel helpful and increasingly capable, and that I've earned myself a raise.

I like that my parents were unexpectedly supportive. I like that my mom showed to me for the first time a side that really moved me, when she told me I was beautiful and deserve better things and to be happy. I like that I have my parents. I like that I'm at an age where it's still perfectly acceptable for me to live with my parents, even though I also have the freedom to drive off to wherever I desire. I like my car (even if it costs me so much each month) and the house that I live in. I like that I can come home from work or class to a warm home-cooked meal.

I like that I still am able to record covers. Unfortunately, singing doesn't mean what it used to mean to me. While it's still something that really relieves my mind of worries and makes me happy, singing and recording now means throat pains and having to record late at night because I have no time otherwise. It's no longer a great passion and stress-free hobby. But even if it physically hurts and means less sleep, singing and mixing covers like this makes me feel accomplished and proud of what I'm able to produce. I like that I've improved at both singing and rapping a lot. I've still long, long, long ways to go, but I don't hate where I am.

Today I'm really grateful for all these things. And if tomorrow I forget how grateful I should be, READ THIS FUCKING POST EVA. READ IT. THIS IS WHY I WROTE IT.