It's been a long [trivial] journey of being tempted to get front bangs, then determining that I would definitely not suit it or be able to maintain them, then lowkey considering it again, pondering over it a lot and being certain that it's too high maintenance for my lifestyle and people would think it's weird on me—and what did it all amount to? Me at 1 AM last Wednesday looking in the mirror before brushing my teeth, thinking about how aged my skin is and how my face will probably be soon to follow OH GOD I'M GONNA LOOK SO OLD SOON what if I become really old-looking without ever having a chance to try front bangs because I keep being scared that I look too old and too out-of-character for them and I'll regret the rest of my life-- ABORT THE TEETH BRUSHING EVA GRAB YOUR SCISSORS WE'RE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW WHILE WE'RE STILL FEELING IT OKAY YOLO snip snip snip OH MY GOD IT LOOKS AS SHITTY AS I KNEW IT WOULD what have i done!!!!
is exactly how it happened.
God.....god.......... This was a mistake. I have no idea how to style or maintain hair. It looks so bad in real life. Every little movement, every time I walk, with every small breeze, my bangs get fucked up in unpredictable, uncontrollable ways. They have a mind of their own, those forehead tentacles.
These days, I usually wash my hair in the morning after waking up late, then I'm too lazy to blow dry so I'll saunter into work late with wet hair and let it dry throughout the day. Luckily, my hair dries straight so I usually don't do any sort of styling. Now I can't do this anymore :c.... Pretty much every morning I have to spend time curling my bangs... Which means I gotta put on heat protection... And I can't even style them until my moisturizer absorbs into my forehead or it gets super greasy/sticky... But then my bangs have been greasy everyday anyway (like today, even tho I just washed them last night I DON'T GET IT AAAA) so I'll probably have to put on dry shampoo every night... It's a commitment......... And my brows get so itchy... And I am so constantly self conscious... W h y.
Blegh they look different all the time so here are a bunch of selfies before I call it quits on the bangs. =.= I've already decided that on most days, I'm just going to clip up my hair and not bother, and save the suffering for select special days.
(3rd pic has fake app makeup i cant do that shit)
EDIT:
My bangs... They peaked and I'll likely never achieve this again.
It's July and I've just remembered to do my annual Birthday Girl shirt selfie LOLOL... I turned 25 in May! I kind of just pretend to be a functioning adult—largely a lie as my lack of Life Skills™ strikes fear in me every so often.
Here is IU's masterpiece of a song called Palette, which is about being 25 except I can only hope to one day reach IU's level of self comfort.
It's been years since I've written a post like this, but I'm gonna give it a shot! As my memory gets worse and worse, I feel like write-ups will be really helpful and yet also terribly difficult to compose since I've already forgotten what I did on this trip...... And I got back...3 hours ago.
Overall, this was a good AX that went fairly smoothly! Yay it wasn't a mess!!!
Admittedly I'm extremely spoiled/a bit numb because I'm privileged enough to be surrounded by my youtaite friends in my everyday life and it was also my 7th time (WTF IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT) going to AX so I don't necessarily get super excited about everything or get post-con depression anymore..... I'm truly happy for how this event has impacted others—people's tweets are so, sooo cute ;;;—but is it weird to say that I feel almost left out because I don't feel as emotional about it as others do anymore?? Regardless, AX is still one of the most special things to me each year! It's strange but I simultaneously feel like I was more social than ever this year, yet also didn't socialize as much as I feel I should have—but I'll elaborate later. ;o;
This time, my hotel arrangement ended up being 10 people split between two rooms that we were luckily able to get next to each other. My room was with Chiisana, Hinoe, Sophie/Kuroko, and Diji; and the other room was Fome, Myst, Chris/Hakuro, Toast, and Lisa. They're all friends that I've already hung out with a lot (everyone was NorCal other than Hinoe) and was pretty comfortable with, so that went super well!
HELLO I HAD MY HAIR RE-DYED YESTERDAY FOR AX AND I JUST FILMED A LIPSYNC VIDEO FOR A COLLAB YAYAY but i'm so fucked for ax and packing and preparations for everything fuck
WOW HEY, LOOK WHO HAS FREE TIME TODAY!! TO BLOG!!!! The bright side of some things not working out is that I get a bit of chill time, instead of being constantly burnt out while AX looms dangerously closer. I've also been working hard on 3 really, incredibly big videos at work (as in, they're going to be shown to 140,000 people.....) and I'm finally almost done! So close! Fingers crossed that there are no more/minimal last minute changes, so that on Monday morning I can simply export final versions and be free of deadline stress ^^;;
(skip to 0:40)
I'd say the only kind of significant thing that really happened between my last post and now is that I fell down the Produce48 hole, but it's a fluffy nice hole and I'm not going to get out. Somehow after watching episode 2—which the girls spent learning to sing and dance Nekkoya (Pick Me), their theme song—I felt this burst of inspiration to try to learn the dance... And this is coming off of feeling disheartened about my dancing, losing all of my confidence in it, becoming scared again about doing it around people, thinking that I'd probably never get to a presentable level no matter how I try because I have no idea how to fix the fact that my movements are fucking awkward and uncontrolled and blahhhh. Anyway, I still got off my ass and tried to dance that night, and I'm glad that even though I looked like absolute shit—really like a giant long piece of shit dangling from a wire during a typhoon, the worst—I did enjoy doing it.
It's been a few days of slowly kind of trying to practice the chorus arm movements, and...I almost kind of want to say that I'd like to keep trying to work at this dance? I was thinking to aim for being able to comfortably dance it by the end of Produce48's run. But idk. It could end up being a goal I drop just like other goals I've dropped. (coughs at practicing the Bad Boy dance)
I did realize today though that there were two big things that I cowardly ragequit simply because I was bad at them: animating and dancing. I used to make all the videos for Gemini until I couldn't keep up at all with animations and aesthetic, and decided it was better for me to not do it anymore. I've also uploaded a couple of bad dance covers back in the dark ages, which I took down. I definitely told myself, "I'm never going to do a dance cover again." But.....ya girl is back to badly animating and reaallyyy terribly attempting to move her body in a way that vaguely resembles dance, so IF IT ALL CANCELS OUT I'M NOT A COWARDLY QUITTER AFTER ALL I THINK???
Ever since it was announced, I had my doubts about Produce48—especially coming off of watching Produce 101 China, which was also girls except it's an incredibly frustrating show... But there's something magical about Produce48 for me. I forgot how much I liked AKB48. My interest in Japanese idols waned a ton; but at one point, idols like Hello!Project and AKB were my life... When I was in middle school, I thought I would try to audition for a H!P global audition if they ever held one. Even as I was starting to become interested in k-pop, my dumb fantasy then was to get into SM Ent and be part of a Japan-centric group. (Interestingly, they never did come out with one since they've dedicated themselves to tackling China, so I guess I don't have to regret not trying that path lolol.)
We were all grimacing in expectation of the AKB girls being one-sidedly humiliated on this show where they were up against Korean trainees who're part of this extremely cutthroat, systematic bootcamp where you're either the best or not good enough. It's easy to compare the foundations of their skills and see the imbalance. But what I'm loving is that people are discovering what makes the AKB girls so well-loved despite that, and that there's something the Korean trainees can learn from them too to make their performances more compelling. A lot of the AKB girls just sparkle when they perform—they're so full of charm and energy that you can't help but enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves and do their best. I'm finding that I'd personally rather watch a lot of them than the girls whose moves are more accurate. Perhaps that's some of the appeal of the "girl next door" concept, but this kind of thing gave me hope in middle school when I had no skills but didn't close the door on myself anyway.
Maybe it's giving me that same hope again? Obviously not to pursue an idol career or any kind of performance career, heeeelllll no, but I spent the past few days trying to sort of dance and I'm also memorizing both the Korean and Japanese lyrics (I never actively try to memorize lyrics lol) and now I think, "Maybe I will try to do a dance cover again."
Under the cut, I'mma briefly talk about my faves on the show LOL.
I almost began writing what would have been a string of tweets, when I realized that I missed how years ago I used to blog about my feelings just simply...to share them in the moment—not just with the lessons learned and how I overcame them or a message of some sort.
This past week I've been going through what I'm calling reverse impostor syndrome, which in a nutshell means that I thought I was doing okay but actually, it turns out I suck.
In January, friends and I started going to a beginner's k-pop dance class with an instructor who was just starting her program at this dance studio. She's moving, so last Sunday I attended her last class. :( But! I'll probably be trying to do some sessions with some friends I met in the class so it may not be the end of my attempt at k-pop dance idk ;o;
So after the last class, I went on our instructor's instagram for the first time and saw her recordings from the past few classes. Somehow I feel like it was a wake-up slap in the face. I've always felt self conscious about my body and the way that it moves—it's super awkward and is especially evident when I try to do intentional movements, like exercising or dancing. This fear + stage fright almost stopped me from attending that first class in January. And when I saw those recordings..... I looked exactly as awkward as I used to fear that I was. Over the course of these months, because I started becoming more and more confident about dancing, because I'd made a little progress in overcoming my stage fright, because I'd heard a few kind words from others, I somehow thought.. it must have been proof that I'd gotten better at dancing and physical movement? There's no way I would become so confident if I looked silly, right? Given my self-consciousness, I couldn't be as bad as I thought, right? :/ I honestly kind of wish I never saw those videos, that I could just keep dancing badly but blissfully ignorant about how bad I am.
I also got to see just how shitty my posture makes me look... Admittedly I purposely have bad posture in order to not appear confident, so that people won't have high expectations for me. ;;;;; That realization makes me sad because it's almost like I fear being confident..?
This week, I recorded for an original song that had a really short non-negotiable timeline, which I agreed to because I thought I would be able to do it! I made the decision to retire my snowball mic which is honestly overdue, but I didn't have the motivation to do it until it gave me overwhelming EQ troubles for the first time the past few months. ;n; Fome is long-term lending me a fancyshmancy microphone, and Chiisana let me borrow her audio interface since I wouldn't be able to receive one in time for this deadline. T__T It was super nice of them and I honestly felt they were setting me up for success!! Sometimes I try to practice singing in the car and I started feeling like I was doing better, until I hear myself recorded and realize I can't fucking sing.... Many many times I'd do a take and think, "Yesss finally! I think that's the one! That one felt good!" but play it back and it's horrible, which is nothing but disheartening.. Aaaah I was foolish to overestimate myself. It was a regrettable struggle, only being able to record at night after work, exhausting my voice quickly without getting any decent takes, but only having a couple of days to finish so I didn't have a choice but to record until 4 AM, all the while frustrated and stressed ;;; I was fortunately able to finish but idk if I'll share the completed song as I currently don't like how I sound on it at all.
Anyway, there's no moral or anything. That's it, that's the post.
Hi there!! I put this together for me to remember not to repeat mistakes, but decided to publish in case anybody's looking for [mostly Korean] skincare recommendations. This is yeaaars upon years of trying stuff haha. My skin goes through a lot of product, so I'll try to keep this post updated! I'd love recommendations so please feel free to share via commenting or tweet/DM or whatnot, and also if you'd like more details on anything in particular. :D
About my skin: TL;DR: Products that work for me are likely extremely hydrating and gentle. I can't speak for acne.
Long version lolol: I have chronic dry skin, premature wrinkles, sensitive irritable skin, eczema (mostly subsided), and occasional red patchiness—although I've never had acne as my face doesn't seem to produce oil. If I fall asleep without more than a layer of cream, I will wake up looking like the floor of a crackly dry desert. My skin is still problematic, but skincare basically keeps me afloat~ My smile lines have been reduced a lot and admittedly I now have baby ass soft cheeks LOLOL
How I judge effectiveness depends on 1) if I can wake up without a dry face—even better if it's supple, smooth, glowing, 2) if it can reduce the frequency at which I must re-moisturize during the day—typically every few hours CRIES, and 3) if it stings or causes irritation.
Why do I never find the time to update this blog :(
Here's a hopefully quick one as I'm wrapping things up and prepping to fly out to Japan and Korea in 2 days!!
It's been busy... In March, I had a business trip to DC for one of the more intense projects that I handle. I get to honor some genius and hardworking students in STEM, so it's very fulfilling and worth the long days spent editing in my hotel room!
Aside from that, there's been lots of fun outings with NorCal youtaite and I'm working on Youtaite React episode 2. Also have a solo cover in the works!!! Hopefully will have it out not long after I'm back from the trip. ;o;
I plan to vlog in Japan and Korea, but I'm only bringing my DSLR so I may have some good biceps by the end of it all LOL. Unfortunately, it was reallyyy hard to find a lens that would be ideal for vlogging (good in low light, compact, AFFORDABLE...) so here's what I've got now!
A pancake lens! It's 24 mm with a max aperture of F2.8, so it's...not that wide (this camera has a crop sensor) and fine in low light but not the best. It was $150, which is really good since lenses go into the thousands lol..
And here's where a hack comes in. I took a risk on this $25 attachment that screws onto your lens and is supposed to make the angle wider by 0.43x. Downsides are that it's rather big for comfortable vlogging, it's fisheye, and it does distort around the edges—but for how cheap it is, it's pretty cool!
I apologize that I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER whether or not I moved in between taking these two pics, and I don't have any other examples I can pull up quickly right now.. But here's kind of maybe a reference of comparison ;; I can't imagine I would've moved too much since there was a rail.
Anyway, I did have one free day in DC during that business trip last month, so I finally did some touristy things and checked out the botanic garden and a museum :'D I took the chance to try to familiarize myself with vlogging again so I put together a mini vlog! Featuring Sohly who's a youtaite that writes killer raps.
[Mini Vlog] A Day in DC!
I said I would make it quick but I realized I haven't gotten a chance to post up all of the pictures I took at the botanic garden of pretty flowers, so here is a photo dump /o/
If you haven't seen this yet, SURPRISEEEEE LOL. Youtaite reaction videos have been a joke for a while, but this time we took the joke far, further, farthest... until it came into existence and now it's a Real Thing.
We kept this one small and top secret since it was a pilot and we weren't sure how it would work/if it would work out... It definitely took more effort and time than I expected it to, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out and super delighted by the awesome response we got. xD Later this month, we'll be filming episode 2 with a bunch of other youtaite (who're really pumped about it!) so I expect that one to be more fun than this one haha. Please look forward to it and thanks for watching!!
I cannot believe how much it came full circle that making youtube videos led me to choose to pursue a career in video production, which gave me the experience and resources in order to make youtube videos about my youtube videos.
Ahhh, where do I even start... I can't remember the last time I was this happy and satisfied with my life. ;u; Not sure why but I feel like I'm more in tune with myself than ever. I can't remember if I ever felt like, "Wow I am a healthy person!" the way I do now. It's probably good luck and good timing that a combination of things has led me to this, and I hope I don't take it for granted haha. I feel worry-free, I feel proud, I feel confident and self-empowered, I feel loved, and I feel like I have things I enjoy and look forward to. It's crazy.
So let's start with my I Wish collab, because I feel that it was likely a trigger in all of this... In my last post, I said my confidence in mixing took a nosedive, so I was pretty scared about getting back into this mix. ;A; But as I did, I realized that I really didn't hate the mix...? All I remembered was my dissatisfaction and struggle with it, so I had low expectations, but honestly I hadn't done a bad job at all...? So I spent about 5 days working on it more, took advice, redid the mastering, improved it, and just kind of threw in the towel when I was riding up against my self-determined deadline for the evening before Valentine's LOL. I'd say considering my current ability, I'm about 95% satisfied with the mix, which is pretty amazing!!!!!! There was so much frustration that I was hitting my limits, so I thank the heavens that I might still yet have potential in me. Also, I was pretty scared about the animation, because I'm really not experienced in animating and the standards for both aesthetics and technicality have risen ridiculously high (due to animators' hard work, respect) in this community. In the end, I've accepted that it's really not bad for being my first animation in AE and for being primarily a mixer/vocalist. Some seemed to like it a lot, yay ;o; <3
I'm really happy about this collab... All 12 of the other girls in it are suuuuch sweethearts, super supportive and gracious, and wow their voices. *___* They're all fantastic and I'm grateful they agreed! I'm glad to see them receiving love and extra recognition through this. ♥ One of my favorite things is that I was privileged to be in a place where I could invite and bring together friends from different communities—so I was able to have friends (and a new friend I stalked down because I liked her voice LOL) from the youtaite community, long-time friends with whom I've been singing since 2010 (Zoey and Chiisana since 2007 actually!), and some friends that I met in 2016 through the k-pop coverist competition PRODUCE90. That's a super beautiful thing to me ;____; And the adorable art makes me clutch my heart!
And of course, I'm proud that I was able to complete this collab at all. It's actually been hitting me with a lot of guilt throughout the past year, whenever I had to deprioritize it in favor of other projects, whenever it was me that was holding up the entire thing... I had wondered if I was wrong to be so ambitious to be organizing, mixing, animating, rapping in, and recording additional harmonies for a 13-person collab. The more time went by without me completing it, the more I felt I was failing—and I also didn't have the confidence that I could make it up to expectations. But ultimately... in this economy when most non-chorus battle collaborations never see the light, I'm glad I could shine some on this one. ^^
HONESTLYYYY it was good luck more than anything that I happened to be able to finish it up right around Valentine's Day, which I believe helped it get such good reception for being a collab of a kpop song most have never heard of before LOL!! I'm so grateful for how well it was received, like ;_____; it exceeded my expectations tenfold. ;___; There was so much love! Not to mention that I don't have any expectations for my youtube channel anymore, because I'm pretty much a washed up unspectacular person whose subs are mostly from ancient times and I cover mostly kpop despite being most active in a non-kpop community, and I've basically come to accept that it'll be this way until there's a turnaround. The amount of views/likes/retweets may not match up to others' works, but for me, it was shocking. Thank you.
It truly reminded me of how supportive and full of love the people around me are. ;o; It felt like it was the birthday of me and everyone else in the cast!
As for everything else in my life... After a few weeks of work being very stressful and deadline-ridden, it's been slow and chill for the past 2 weeks, which I've uh been taking advantage of LOL... I know it's going to get busy again soon, so I'm enjoying this. Typically I'd feel guilty over not being productive enough.. and I always feel like a failure for how late I can't drag myself out of bed until and how late I get to work...... but lately, I still think, "Wow I did amazing anyway!" Q^Q I'm quite pleased with myself for taking care of myself and how good I feel about myself despite whatever. I'm in such a good mental and emotional condition that I was able to shake off something that would usually put me in an unhappy and toxic mood. I haven't let physical discomforts get me down either. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm grateful for it right now. I also feel that I've found a good balance of doing good towards others, without giving away too much of myself, which is pretty important to me after how burnt out I was for a while. I'm glad I have time to spend on hobbies and indulgent fangirling—they bring me a lot of joy. I think I'm more comfortable with myself now. The other day, I noted how green the hills were and thought that a cloud looked cool, which I wouldn't have said a year ago!! I'm proud that I've been going to kpop dance class weekly and that my acid reflux has diminished a lot since I started going on a diet for it. AND!!!!! I might be doing a new solo after all, since I felt like recording it and actually enjoyed it ^^.... It's been a while since I truly enjoyed recording. I'm happy that I can work on passion projects, that I can feel "inspiration."
Also I think it's worth noting that right now I'm happy about the friends I have and—gross moment—about how wonderfully blissful and strong my relationship is. I owe a lot to Fome.
YEAH OKAY WELL HERE'S "I WISH" PLEASE APPRECIATE THE 12 BEAUTIES I GOT TO SING WITH!!! <3333
Man, I feel a strange wave of ambition surging through me... even though it comes with some stress and worry and even guilt. >_> I've decided that there are a lot of things I want to do and I hope it doesn't overwhelm me.
Firstly, I'm working on a video thing that may possibly become a series, or might just be a two-off deal. I'd also really like to get back into vlogging, so I will definitely be doing that during my Japan+Korea trip in April with Chiisana and Fome! Any vlogging done before that depends on if anything exciting happens haha. Thennnn I'd like to film a little "music video" for my birthday solo in May. ;u; Any solos before then really depend on the status of my other projects heh... I'm also going to do a duet with Fome for the first time! (which is very nerve-wracking)
Something that's new is that now that I've gone to 3 k-pop dance classes, I'd like to keep up with dancing as my form of exercise. ;o; If I'm ambitious enough to become decent enough, I might post some short dances to show what I've practiced........ This one would be nice to accomplish, but I'm unsure because I'm a pretty weak dancer so it'll take a lot. At the last class, we learned Red Velvet's new song Bad Boy so I think I'm going to keep working at that for now ;v;
This I really debated talking about because I'm ...beyond embarrassed. Recently, I worked on a birthday chorus for my friend Katie. If you'd like to watch, please pay attention to the adorable art, the animation, the vocals..... Everyone in this collab did great! But whatever you do, please don't pay attention to the mix. I wish I could own up to it, but I can't. ;;;;; It was a huge struggle, we couldn't find a good instrumental, and I was really frustrated that I couldn't do what I'm sure other mixers would probably be able to do really well...
It's made me kind of fear mixing a little bit. My confidence in mixing took a nosedive. But I do have to get back into it soon so that I can finish up my k-pop collab—which I mixed and animated—and upload ASAP. ;w; However, after that I think I'm going to take a step back and only mix for myself and Gemini for a while. Hopefully Gemini will have a new upload in the next couple months too, yay!
But back to Katie's birthday chorus, here it is~ Please enjoy the art, animation, and vocals~ (Realtalk I'm very delighted to be a magical girl)
So quick story: my friend Gino has a high school friend—Kate Kim—who debuted in Korea as a soloist after participating on a singing competition show. She's AMAZINGLY super talented and a lot of our friends have been supporting her for years despite never having met her. She co-composed an awesome song, came back to California to film an MV for it, and when Gino told me about it, I was more than happy to help out on the shoot. ^^ It was a long, exhausting day of handling gear, but a very fun experience and I learned a lot from the crew leads! And now I can say I've worked on a k-pop video hahaha!
When I wasn't helping with lighting, I was taking behind-the-scenes photos on my camera. (Ah have I mentioned on here that I bought my first DSLR in October? :>) And I guess they ended up choosing one of the pictures I took as the cover photo for the single, which was really unexpected and cool!!! So you can see this on iTunes and on official Korean streaming sites and errthang....
Anyway, here is Kate's MV for "So Long, Baby" which is a wonderfully groovy bop. She sings with so much flair and oomph and it's got me singing, "do re mi fa sol~~" all the time. The music video looks so cool; the space we filmed in was tiny, but it's incredible what we were able to make out of it thanks to the crew's creativity. And look! how! cute! Kate is! And chic and sassy and gorgeous all at once.
It's also worth noting that Kate's as much of a sweetheart as I already had an impression of her being. Honestly every single person on the set was really nice and cooperative, so it was a positive and productive atmosphere the whole time. Gino vlogged/took behind-the-scenes videos (of course, because he's Gino) which you can check out below. You might spot me a few times~
Under the cut, I'll be sharing some of the photos I snapped on the shoot. :D I'm no photographer and I'm still very inexperienced with cameras, but I do really like how some of these turned out. Enjoy!
She put me through this entire phase of "oh my god why does Hani make purple hair seem so tempting" -> "wait don't let me get purple hair though lmao I have two purple wigs omg" -> "ACTUALLY maybe...." -> "Okay it's happening, I want to try purple ends to my hair." But alas, I don't think I'll be doing it after all LOL... My hair's gotten pretty dry, so I'm wary about how much I'd have to bleach it in order to achieve purple.
She's also made me wonder if I would want to try having frontal bangs again. >A> I was thinking of buying some extensions, but the other day I trimmed my bangs, and it was short enough to kiiind of fake it when my hair is really curled!
Typical Eva~
Cue transformation sequence aka an hour of me struggling to put on makeup
swirls
particles
glittering background
sparkly music
Yeah, I don't know who this is--
I think this was my first time highlighting my entire lower eye rim like this, but I'll probably try doing it more. Honestly, the makeup looked shitty in person (the camera tells lies and in this case, it's great) but it was fun to do!
