Reverse Impostor Syndrome

I almost began writing what would have been a string of tweets, when I realized that I missed how years ago I used to blog about my feelings just simply...to share them in the moment—not just with the lessons learned and how I overcame them or a message of some sort.

This past week I've been going through what I'm calling reverse impostor syndrome, which in a nutshell means that I thought I was doing okay but actually, it turns out I suck.

In January, friends and I started going to a beginner's k-pop dance class with an instructor who was just starting her program at this dance studio. She's moving, so last Sunday I attended her last class. :( But! I'll probably be trying to do some sessions with some friends I met in the class so it may not be the end of my attempt at k-pop dance idk ;o;

So after the last class, I went on our instructor's instagram for the first time and saw her recordings from the past few classes. Somehow I feel like it was a wake-up slap in the face. I've always felt self conscious about my body and the way that it moves—it's super awkward and is especially evident when I try to do intentional movements, like exercising or dancing. This fear + stage fright almost stopped me from attending that first class in January. And when I saw those recordings..... I looked exactly as awkward as I used to fear that I was. Over the course of these months, because I started becoming more and more confident about dancing, because I'd made a little progress in overcoming my stage fright, because I'd heard a few kind words from others, I somehow thought.. it must have been proof that I'd gotten better at dancing and physical movement? There's no way I would become so confident if I looked silly, right? Given my self-consciousness, I couldn't be as bad as I thought, right? :/ I honestly kind of wish I never saw those videos, that I could just keep dancing badly but blissfully ignorant about how bad I am.

I also got to see just how shitty my posture makes me look... Admittedly I purposely have bad posture in order to not appear confident, so that people won't have high expectations for me. ;;;;; That realization makes me sad because it's almost like I fear being confident..?

This week, I recorded for an original song that had a really short non-negotiable timeline, which I agreed to because I thought I would be able to do it! I made the decision to retire my snowball mic which is honestly overdue, but I didn't have the motivation to do it until it gave me overwhelming EQ troubles for the first time the past few months. ;n; Fome is long-term lending me a fancyshmancy microphone, and Chiisana let me borrow her audio interface since I wouldn't be able to receive one in time for this deadline. T__T It was super nice of them and I honestly felt they were setting me up for success!! Sometimes I try to practice singing in the car and I started feeling like I was doing better, until I hear myself recorded and realize I can't fucking sing.... Many many times I'd do a take and think, "Yesss finally! I think that's the one! That one felt good!" but play it back and it's horrible, which is nothing but disheartening.. Aaaah I was foolish to overestimate myself. It was a regrettable struggle, only being able to record at night after work, exhausting my voice quickly without getting any decent takes, but only having a couple of days to finish so I didn't have a choice but to record until 4 AM, all the while frustrated and stressed ;;; I was fortunately able to finish but idk if I'll share the completed song as I currently don't like how I sound on it at all.

Anyway, there's no moral or anything. That's it, that's the post.