I said this before, but I'm turning 16 this Saturday, May 2nd and I DON'T WANT to turn 16. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay 15 for a really long time and I feel like as a 15-year-old I haven't done anything and I just wasted this year and my life. It sounds so silly but it's really important and impactful for me. As I'm typing this, I'm crying. I'm always crying nowadays.

A month or two ago I realized that I would be turning 16 soon and I thought, "Okay, Eva, then until May 2nd, 2009, you're going to have the best time of your life because you'll never be 15 again and you've wasted enough already," and I was set on doing that, but then my depression got worse so I eventually forgot about it. A week ago, I remembered it again.

I've said over and over, "I wanna do something fun this week." "Let's do something fun this week." "I wanna do stuff before I turn sixteen!"

People hear me, but they don't really listen. I joke a lot. I say a lot of stuff I don't mean. But this time you shouldn't have taken me lightly because now I'm crying and typing this entry which I didn't want to type and I feel even more regretful than before.

;__; hm. 4 years ago, and yet I feel like I'm looking at my unchanged current self.