Shellbreak

I don't even have accurate words to articulate how much I love my TV Production class. ;A;
Because of this class, I had fun for the first time in university. Because of this class, I felt like an appreciated human being and capable social creature for the first time in university. Because of this class, I sometimes looked forward to attending school.. and didn't want the semester to end. But now we're here at the end already. ;; Today was the last class meeting and the last class productions, and all that's left is the final exam.

I am the type of person that doesn't like action or doing things in the eyes of others. I'm good at studying, taking written tests, making plans without having to act them out, and being the mastermind. I'm a coward. I'm terrified of performances and doing things hands-on, because I make so many mistakes and don't want to let others' expectations down. At the beginning of the semester, I really feared this class after finding out that the bulk of it would involve us working in the studio as a team to produce shows of our creation--taking on roles with responsibilities, independence, and pressure because a screw-up could easily ruin a show. I did well on all of the quizzes and felt fine in the lectures. Then we started putting theory to use with the actual equipment in the studio and on the very first day, I made a huge mistake in front of the whole class. The embarrassment haunted me for weeks and I thought there was no way I would be okay.
But now, I feel like I can actually do it. I started off somewhat easy with the role of operating cameras.. although it is actually kind of pressuring because a bad shot can distract from a good narrative. You're making the building block; the technical director assembles the tower, whereas the talents on-screen provide the raw material. From there, I gained confidence because I did really well on cameras and started feeling like I could actually do things without failing others. ;w; And then as I became more comfortable and familiar with my classmates (and thus felt less pressure and judgment from them) I started looking forward to all of the roles I would have to fulfill. It was really fun being floor director and being able to try asserting leadership skills. Making CGs, working the audio board, being lighting director, working the switcher as technical director--it was all unexpectedly exhilarating and I did fine. Learning new things and standing up on my own feet (though not without some pushes of help from others since we were all as confused as the next person) was not as fearsome as the rumbles in my heart made them out to be before jumping in.

The most distressing role to me though, which also happened to be some of my last ones, was talent. You can see just from 2 weeks ago how nervous I was. I can't act. I don't like not having control over what of me is exposed to others (which is why I can record vlogs, but quake in my Converse when others have cameras on me). I'm not confident in my appearance. I cannot perform. I'm afraid of speaking.
And then I did okay. I think I did better than okay. And that's good.
Today I was a talent in a production again. And I was nervous and self-conscious as usual about my appearance. But this time, the main cause for nervousness wasn't stagefright, but because I was uncomfortable portraying the specific character I was written as (lovestruck, affectionate girlfriend of impulsively shallow and short-lived relationship). And then I stopped being nervous and just did it and felt kind of good being up there. It was fun and for the first time, I was completely relaxed doing something I usually abhor. And then I even dared to wish that I was written in as a talent for another production, and regretted bothering my friend to leave me out because I was scared my throat would fail me after too much use. WHICH ISN'T CHARACTERISTIC OF ME AT ALL... So I think I do have much to thank this class for, because not only did it make me some friends, it made me a little more assertive, confident, comfortable with socializing and working in teams, and happy to be in my own skin.

I was always the kid that sat in the corner whose name nobody knew. AND SUDDENLY I'M UP THERE IN FRONT OF CAMERAS ACTING.. and people have been giving me so much attention and believing in me and finding me funny and it's really strange to accept but I think it's doing me good. ;A; They keep saying that they didn't expect certain things from me, in the positive way.
And today!!! somebody actually told me that I can act and that I should consider looking more into acting!!!!!!! which I'm still WTFing over because this goes against .. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. OMFG... I guess I should be happy about it because maybe it means that I improved a bit from when I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sucked at acting even from an objective standpoint.

But seriously, I can't imagine having this class with other people, because we as a team felt so complete. There were so many awesome personalities, so many talented people, so many enjoyable moments..

I'm looking at the facebook group we made for all of the 15 students in the class, and people are talking about having a big study session for the final.. and how it'd be fun to get together one last time for a big lunch after the final. AND MY HEART IS LEAKING FROM THESE BUBBLING EMOTIONS....... ; ~ ;

Also, we were talking about how we need to stay in this fb group even after the semester ends (well yeah especially because we do want to take classes together again in the future ^^!) in hopes that one of us might one day become famous. LOOOL and they started making guesses as to who. And apparently it's speculated that I might someday get famous for "doing something no one expected." HAHAHAHAHA<3
(But then again, I don't think any of them expect that I upload covers on youtube. They're surprised enough just by what they see from me in class and on screen because I'm suddenly not that quiet nameless kid anymore, BUT IF ONLY THEY KNEW THERE WAS EVEN MORE BEHIND THAT...)