Axe Me

Wrote my very long AX write-up on all the fun times I had and thought I'd leave a bit more of a personal post too since June has been...a really different experience LOL. I'd never lived such an intensely disciplined life before—since I usually never exercise or diet...... And it was all for one (1) day of cosplaying a character who doesn't even suit my playstyle lol..................

What I was doing was actually pretty...unhealthy. Before being hospitalized I was already seriously underweight for my height (I'm 5'8 or 173 cm orz) then I came out of the hospital severely weak and never quite recovered weight-wise, so after under-eating for a month there were actually times I was scared looking at my own limbs. ;; All I wanted was to lose that layer of fat on my tummy so that I could try to bring out some abs, but I ended up pretty unhealthy............ On the plus side though, my acid reflux improved a ton! I focused on protein and no longer had snacks 24/7 during June, WHICH WAS REALLY REALLY HARD because my fast metabolism means that I get hungry really quickly and I'm used to eating often? Thus the acid reflux. I was hella getting withdrawal on the week before AX LOL. So much respect for people who are able to diet!!! Powerful beings!!!!
I don't know how to do this again in a healthy way. How do you achieve that balance?

And then I spent every freaking day either working on my Kai'Sa cosplay or doing chorus battle work TT~TT til like 3-4 AM..... through 126 episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's.... and then go to my full time job.... I was actually really frustrated that I never had time to do spontaneous things or take a chill day. >< For probably two months, I was too busy to hang out with Fome aside from a few group outings and the one time he helped with my costume. Constantly just worried about having enough time to finish everything.

Being busy also meant that I had difficulty dedicating time to workouts (okay, it's literally just ab excercises—I only care about abs) so I tried a new method this year of treating every waking moment as a casual, lowkey ab workout. While at work, I would use a standing desk and do a bunch of leg stuff and mini core squats. A lot of exercises while looking at my phone in bed or hand-sewing anything.. Dancing or knee highs whenever I was standing around idly.. While talking to friends, I would do sit-ups LOL. I really didn't have the abs that I dream of having—but in this specific photo, the lighting brings out ?? abs ????? a little???

Throughout June, I kept saying, "AS SOON AS THIS IS OVER, I'M GOING TO EAT A TON AND DO SOCIAL THINGS WITH FRIENDS!!!" and oftentimes you come up with these ~finish line fantasies~ in order to motivate yourself through challenges, though they may not actually come true afterwards... But I think I've been really happy the past week (despite the exhaustion and a few bad things) because I actually was rewarded with all the things I looked forward to. QuQ Lot of yummy food, more quality hanging out with friends than ever this AX, and I looked decent in cosplay.... It feels pretty fulfilling and as though my effort and discipline was worth it! I've been blissfully treating myself to every craving and living my best life hehe!

Right now I can safely say that my mental health is in a pretty good place. 💕 There were a few blips of me being overwhelmed with stress but all of my negative emotions have been temporary and situational. Been very stable and able to leave myself open to help others. I may be tired but I'm happy! ^^