It was just kind of like a tangible confirmation that bad things can happen to unsuspecting people ;;; which is definitely something that the past couple years have given me anxiety over, with all of the terrible things happening near and far, in America and all around the world. I've dreaded keeping up with recent events because the horrible things just keep coming. :c I keep worrying that things could befall my loved ones unsuspectingly at any time.. Life is unpredictable... You know, I really could have just not gone to the emergency room the day my lung collapsed? I never imagined it would be something that serious and even my dad was trying to persuade me to just sleep it off and see how I felt in the morning. If I didn't have a flight the next morning, I probably wouldn't have taken action. I was also concerned about how much an ER visit costed so my dad threw out an estimate which was actually lower than I expected, but it was mostly the fact that I had literally gotten a raise at work the day before that persuaded me LOL. It's so crazy how it worked out.
My symptoms have been going up and down. If you haven't heard, there's been a massive fire that affected all of NorCal and made some of our cities the most polluted in the world. The smoke outside has been terrible and even from my city—which is further from the fire than most of my NorCal friends—the sky has been a sheet of white/gray for two weeks. I've been indoors as much as possible, using a mask during the brief moments I'm outside, keeping my air purifier in my room running nearly all the time. I don't know for sure if it's had any direct effects on my lungs... On Saturday while I was still in bed, I went through a really bad scare ;;;;; I felt kind of a brief but sharp pain in my left lung followed by mild discomfort........ Basically, I only had surgery on my right lung which was in risk, but they also found a small blister on my left lung which wasn't a big deal. I've also read online that small lung blisters could sometimes heal on their own. But... a nurse had told me that because I'm the perfect stature to have lung issues (tall and slender) and I do have lung issues, I need to be careful and get checked if anything happens. So my paranoia at the time told me that something probably was wrong... I was so scared to get out of bed because it was the action of getting out of bed that one fateful day that popped my right lung. ;___; I just kept crying in fear that I'd end up back in the hospital and have to go through everything again, only this time with neither of my lungs healthy. aldsaslksflksfdj Anyway, nothing happened and I haven't had any telling symptoms from the left side since then. I did actually try to make an appointment with a lung specialist but there are some really annoying and ridiculous obstacles so I haven't been able to do it yet, however I feel okay so I've been putting it off.
In fact, all of the post-hospital billing and paperwork and insurance and just EVERYTHING has been ridiculous and annoying—almost like they purposely try to not make things easy for us so they can swindle us normalfolk out of our life savings. I'm not proud to admit it but I had sort of a breakdown last night as I was spending my precious free time opening my pile of mail and making a spreadsheet with all of my bills and comparing them to my insurance claims... Only to find that one place charged me more than my insurance says they should have... And another two bills claimed that my insurance denied them and wanted me to pay in full... Even with my insurance, I already have to pay up a fuck ton ;____; I hit such a desperate and lonely place as I was swallowed by thoughts about how I had to be the one to deal with all the pain and fears when I've done nothing to elicit lung issues, while also being the one to singlehandedly take this huge financial hit, while also having to deal with a ton of errors and obstacles and anxious phone calls, while also managing my mental health.
But you know what, today I'm okay. In fact: today, I'm great! ✨ I got tired of being a pathetic crybaby for four days. I'm tired of wishing I could rely on other people. I'm tired of being stressed out by things that I can instead try and solve. I am strong enough to make phone calls!!! I can get things sorted out and I won't be a pushover to the system!! Even if I'm paying a lot, who cares; it's just money and it's a small price to pay for my life and health!! I'm capable and fortunate to have a good job and I'll just work hard at making that money back!!! I want to believe that my life is a gift! I buried my thoughts and forced myself to smile, and today I'm genuinely doing amazing ^^ It's been a great day and I feel really good about myself! I felt cute for the first time in a long time, plus I got a lot of shit done, kept up my spirits, took care of myself, treated myself to ice cream, and saw the sun for the first time in weeks ♥
Physically, I'm not doing too much better but I'm learning that it's really the mentality that matters. I'll happily feed myself a good placebo lol. I appreciate and can see why my doctor told me that I'm normal and that I should go and live my normal life—but it's frankly set the wrong expectations for me which led to frustration. This recovery will take longer than I thought and that's okay, right? I'm going to keep living my life, but I'm going to do it from the slow lane. xD
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