Guilt
I am just blindly rambling because I need to get things off my chest!
The other day Chiisana said that my situation reminded her of the quote "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" and I fucking felt that in my gut. :/ I think the past two weeks have stressed me out because I've felt so much like I have to accommodate everyone, I have to make sure everyone's happy or feels cared for, I have to stretch myself to do everything, I have to keep filling in the gaps that others leave behind, I have to step up and take responsibility, and then I feel bad and apologize for things that aren't my fault, aren't in my control.... I feel bad for things that are "late" even if it doesn't really matter, I feel bad if something slightly doesn't go the way someone else would prefer it, I even feel bad for appearing too much in people's lives, and then everything scares me...
The question I've been asking myself a lot over the past two days is this: If I could eliminate "guilt" from my repertoire of emotions, I wonder what kind of person I would be?
I often feel like my driving emotion is guilt... But where is the line drawn between guilt and sympathy? Guilt and being responsible? Guilt and insecurity?
If I weren't so much an inherent people-pleaser, would that kind of life lead to more happiness? Would I like myself more? Or would the good, special parts of me disappear too? What are my actual motivators rooted in? Would I grow more from forgiving myself or from a self-grudge? Would I still achieve anything?
I don't yet have good answers to these questions :> But the past two days I've kind of taken an emotional step back, because being too invested in everything and everyone was tearing me apart with unnecessary stress—and honestly I feel so much more at ease lol. I wanna spend some time fighting for myself, fending for myself. Sorry everyone else for a little bit.
Eva can't come to the phone right now lololol--
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
By no means should you feel responsible for anyone else, even if you might feel guilty if you don't take care of their needs. I think the worst thing that can happen when that becomes so routine is people start to take advantage of you (and it'd be even worse still if they don't even realize it).
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience, once I stopped trying to please everyone all the time, I became more independent and much happier. This phantom guilt I would have went away, and I could focus my energy on myself and my needs, and in turn, I started appreciating my qualities as a person (what makes me special, so to speak).
So if I can give my one and a half cents, no, you are not less good if you stop catering to others. The things that make you good are rooted in you, not in other people, so whether you decide to spend your energy on them should not matter. So I applaud your decision to spend time on yourself. Chiisana is right. You deserve that for yourself. Good luck, friend! I hope you're doing well. <3
Q__Q Thank you Sonny for this entire comment and sharing your experience. <333 I'm glad that worked out well for you and that you appreciate your own wonderful qualities! I definitely need to work on finding a good balance bc I don't think I can drop it entirely... But it's been a great start that I've been admitting more to myself and to other people that I was stressed and couldn't handle everything, and they've stepped up more to help me or apologize/thank me ^^! Everything's been going much better since this post!
DeleteEva, you're so kind! It sounds like you're really invested in making sure everything goes well for everyone around you. It must be hard to keep that up, but everyone appreciates all that you do. Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm, set the world on fire instead! /gg
ReplyDeleteWaaaah thank you anon, it's kind of you to say that everyone appreciates it Q__Q Me being overly invested in things is definitely a double sided sword hahaha.
DeleteL-LET'S NOT SET THE WORLD ON FIRE THO LOL