Soooooo hi — oops — I disappeared from this blog for a year and a half. I guess we're catching up on everything at once!
Starting with my annual birthday mirror selfie: I turned 31 all the way back in May!
I think it's very funny how freaked out I was last year upon turning 30.
Once you make it over the hump, it's not nearly such a huge ordeal anymore. Many of my worries that I'd start to feel oppressed and guilted over my self expression, personality, tastes, wardrobe, certain lacking of ability — I don't even have time to worry about these days. I just express myself however the fuck I feel like, with however much cringe I want and the people around me reciprocate :-D
There's definitely fortunate timing involved though that I'm benefitting from! Have you noticed recently there seems to be a universal shift in what's considered young or old, and what the expectations are for each age group? So many people feel empowered to rediscover themselves in their 30's that they're no longer always expected to have everything figured out. Meanwhile the 20's are given more space to make mistakes, and the teens are finally recognized for how young and vulnerable they are.
Still... I try not to mention that I'm 31 years old if I can help it..... but hey, I'm proud that it's no longer a complete skeleton in the closet.
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Over the past year I've thought a lot about my blog disappearance; it's a somewhat telling reflection on what kind of year I've had, I think. So many times I wondered what I'd say when I write here again and I never fully molded that answer until now...
In short: I think this year I've been overly busy in a negative way. I had been pushing myself too hard and am now facing the consequences. Really it feels like I can recall February earlier this year... then I blinked and suddenly it was December and I was still holding my breath; now finally I can breathe but need to relearn how. Health was awful this year starting with my first COVID experience in February (avoided it for four years though!), a lingering cough til June that was so intense it sprained my ribs, two trips to Urgent Care, heart issues relapsing, and overall having lower energy than ever before — but I've been making some healthier progress over the past couple weeks!
A major change this year is that responsibility increased in multiple aspects of my life and work. I'm constantly feeling like I carry a lot on my shoulders, the fates of others laying in my hands, and it's made even the simple things harder to handle... Sometimes it's a little paralyzing. ;; There's a lot I can't talk about publicly so another reason I haven't been blogging as much.
From this year of retrospection I realized I'd been actually afraid to write a blog again and be forced to confront why I stopped updating, because this is a place where I come to bare myself in all honesty. But I'd been running so hard I've been scared to ask myself things like... How am I doing? What can I say regarding how my life has been? Am I happy?
This question has been on my mind for weeks now because I told myself I was locking in on writing a year-end blog post. 😆
So I think this is my answer: Many days I did find myself feeling unhappy or having unhappy experiences, or struggling to do everything I needed to do. However there are many beautiful things in my life and countless things I'm happy I did that I can be more grateful about, I've been blessed with (or earned) extraordinary opportunities as well as recognition and love from those around me, the few people who don't deserve my time will no longer be granted it, and if things come crashing down I should be more confident that it can be figured out and moved on from. And ultimately I am mostly happy with the person I currently am — and that alone is a win!
Up next... resolutions and wishes for 2025. ✨
Hurray, welcome back Eva! We've all missed your insights, your reflections, and you just expressing yourself as always. I'm glad to hear you're less worried about how others feel and am glad to hear they're reciprocating! It's easier now with everyone able to communicate about how different each decade is compared to past generations. I've heard that every year above 20 is a X year old adult. Like a 26 year old is a 6 year old adult. You're still basically a baby in the adult world. A 31 year old is an 11 year old adult. You've got more things figured out but there's so much more to experience. Hopefully you can come to terms with everything that you like and be happy to love yourself.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there was much for you to be scared of for returning to your blog. This is your place with your own rules and reasons. I'm sad to hear that you had many days of sadness or seemed to be unfulfilled in the things you did. If you've heard of the challenge where you color a calendar day depending on how you'd rate your happiness that day, maybe seeing the trends in the way would be helpful.
I'm curious as to what is scary about the questions you realized you had to face while writing your reflections. I feel like it's some sense of guilt over it? I don't think there's anything wrong with any of your decisions, as long as you feel like it was the best one you could make at the time. If you didn't write for a year and half because you've been running at nonstop growing and changing, that's just fine isn't it? If you were having unhappy experiences or struggling with responsibility, but saw it as an opportunity/necessary evil for growth and a path forward, that's also fine. I don't think you are the type to make the world a worse place, so I know you must be doing your best for yourself and those around you. Every year our best changes, but it's always there.
OMG Eva, welcome back! ☺️ It’s so wonderful to see you sharing your expressions and insights again :') I completely understand that there are things you might not want to talk about, and that’s perfectly okay. Not everything is easy to share online—whether it’s because some topics feel too personal or there’s a fear of being misunderstood.
ReplyDeleteIf anything, I hope your blog continues to be a safe haven for you—a space where you can express yourself however and whenever you feel ready. Just know that we’re here to support you and truly appreciate whatever you choose to share. No pressure at all—it’s an absolute joy to have you back!
Like Anonymous, I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had many days of sadness—it’s never easy to go through something like that. The calendar colouring challenge mentioned (by Anonymous) sounds like such a creative and thoughtful way to reflect and process emotions—it might be something worth trying out too haha.