Since Then

Today's song of the day! Park Sae Byul's "That Day, That Place, and Since Then," which is a relaxing acoustically-driven piece featuring a voice that simultaneously carries a light, pure naivety and melancholic, longing heaviness.



So I never realized how much I missed xanga until I got the chance to revisit my xanga habits.
Xanga's a blogging site from way back when, which I actually registered for back in 4th grade. My original one got terminated due to rule infringement because I wasn't 13 yet LMAO.. It actually happened the month before I turned 13, so I was pretty upset. Then I continued with a second xanga and wrote on it almost everyday for 7 years and 2 months in the protected view of some trusted friends.
I ragequit my xanga July of last year because a personal private post that I wrote somehow surfaced as a public post???! Not even protected, but PUBLIC. ?!?! To this day, I don't know if someone was heartless enough to purposefully do that to me, or if it was a technical mistake. I do know that I double-checked the privacy settings before posting it. And I have a stinging feeling that it may be the former because this had never happened to me before in all the years I loitered on xanga. (I know maybe 2 people knew my password, but I didn't think they went on xanga anymore.)

Anyway, then xanga kind of shut down, became wordpress's stepson, and started charging. So I'm done with xanga. And they're being very inefficient at rebuilding the site or properly informing the public. I just today downloaded my blog archive (LOL 25 files when they said it'd be "3 or more"), which I didn't even know was available since all of the latest updates stated that they were still working on it.

It's pretty interesting and kind of amusing to read all of the things I wrote--even the depressing stuff. I never used to have wordstipation before because as much as I wanted to say, I said. As much as I needed to rant or ramble about, I did without an ounce of shame or reservation even if it meant writing private posts only to be seen by myself (which I more than often did). However mundane, however idiotic, however self-absorbed, however immature, however pointless, however depressing, however hopeless, however hopeful--it was all acceptable and I felt safe. It was the website I would actually call my "homepage" because it felt like a cyber home. I'm glad that I dedicated myself to expressing and documenting my life and thoughts there because the blog saw me, the 13 year-old, turn 20 years old and was with me through all of my awkward teenage years, angst, superficial immaturity, depression, exhaustion, suicidal thoughts, pride, achievements, and growth.

It feels a bit surreal to me that it was only a year ago when I cried everyday (from partially internal, and partially external reasons) ;A;.. Just the past 2 months have felt like half a year, and the past 4 months like 2 years; things have been changing so fast. And I like it. I don't ever wanna go back.

I can't quite explain why these excerpts (this turned out to be a lot) caught my eye LOL. Or why I'm even sharing them. Sometimes it's, "Wow I completely forgot about this," or "Things have changed a lot since then, " or "I still feel this way but I forgot that I once put it down into words!!" I'm just digging up a lot of shit HAHAHA.

November 12th, 2012:
I just. Wow. I really hate life LMAO
My life = go to school, go to work, study, go to evening class, panic over speech/argumentation class, stress out at work because the load is too much, come home at night and cry in bed, stay up to write papers. And when I get ANY sort of free time, I have to work on mixing or recording for birthday projects. /o/ Fun. Life is so fun.

Like srsly should I just stop breathing or something?
‘Cause I already stopped getting adequate sleep just to get shit done.

I used to complain a lot about things like sleeping for only 4 hours or how I spend my lunches at school eating a sandwich by myself in my car. BUT NOW IT JUST.. does not even occur to me that it’s NOT normal for people to eat lunch by themselves in their cars every school day, or that it’s NOT normal to sleep only 2-5 hours a night.


February 15th, 2013:
So I really embarrassed myself in front of my whole TV/Film Production class last week, which has been haunting me since the moment it happened because I tend to be bothered by the most trivial yet regretful things. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT. It’s kind of this mentality that I have to be smart–that I have to be kinda nerdy and always correct. Because otherwise, what do I even have? I’m not friendly, I’m not funny, I’m not attractive by American standards, I’m not sociable in the least.. SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I CAN’T EVEN BE SMART
ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhha sdlfjlskfj so humiliated ;____;

February 20th, 2013:

Lately, I feel like I’ve lost my emotions because I’ve become rather numb and coldhearted. I’m also really bored of life. And I hate school; as much as I know education is important for a future, this just.. isn’t it. I feel like I’m wasting my time. I don’t have any passions or anything I’m looking forward to. There’s nothing I want to do–now nor in the future. I don’t see how college is helping me in any way. And I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. So what’s the point?

Which reminds me.. the summer before college started, I wanted to choose death over college. I technically did choose death over college, but just didn’t have the courage (well I don’t think I actually WANT to die; I’d just prefer it over college) to follow my choice. At that time, I decided that I’d continue living as the dead–I’d consider myself dead. So I’m not actually living right now, to myself.

SO WHY THE FUCK DO I EVEN BOTHER? WHY DO I STILL PUT EFFORT INTO THINGS, WHY DO I BELIEVE IN THINGS, WHY DO I CARE ABOUT ANYTHING? WHAT’S THE POINT OF FRIENDS AND WHAT’S THE POINT OF TRYING? IF I’M DEAD???

(I feel as though I've been reborn and I'm willing to try. It's okay.)

March 28th, 2013:

I like how my dad bought me a book titled “Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness” and it talks a lot about self-esteem and insecurity and how you perceive yourself and how you may THINK that you’re unattractive, embarrassing, incompetent, weak, and unaccepted–although it’s not actually true………….. and then he goes and tells me that I have “problems” because I want to try to improve some kids’ education.


May 5, 2013:

Sometimes I wonder if I take on mixing projects and try to keep so focused on these online things by taking them so seriously because I’m trying to give myself some kind of purpose in life.

May 25th, 2013:

Everyone’s born with a rope, strands comprised of hope, contentness, anticipation, and security. Mine has dwindled down to a thread.

As scissors appeared one by one, I grew cold and numb, and learned to pretend to ignore them. “Who cares if there’s another pair of scissors? There are so many already.”

But as soon as one of the scissors starts to move, I jump and am shaken. Vulnerable.

June 3rd, 2013:

"you say you are awkward… Yet you are so sociable O_o"

SOBS OF JOY
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVER BEEN TOLD THAT

April 7th, 2009:
This morning I was pretty pissed. And then my mom stopped me before I stepped out the door to say, “You better concentrate on your studies so you can make money later. We’re waiting for you.”
That was pretty depressing.