reading old posts at 4 am

No longer bf but this conversation is strangely relevant to me, esp. given the whole Frozen thing lately.

Snowflake Kingdom

Inanimate Objects Dreaming

A series of things in my bedroom that look like they want to be somewhere else.

Inspired by this picture I took yesterday, which I named "Anna is dreaming" after the character from Frozen. ;u;

It's almost 3 AM and I'm too tired to do anything but have too much adrenaline pumping to do nothing, so I've been running around my room trying out the new camera despite the gross yellow lighting. (I've touched nothing; I just happened to find these objects sitting around looking like they just want something more.) Woooo, attempted photography!

"Maybe... beyond these walls I could sprout some wings."

"All I want is to not be inanimate so I can eat yummy things."

"Sometimes I think I'm the Queen of Dogland."

"Excuse me - are you waiting for somebody, miss?"

"I'd love to be one of the fish in the sea!"

"-smiles fondly while thinking of dream-"

"Those waves out there are calling for me..."

"Somebody help."

"I'm not asking for much.. Just somebody to fill this empty coldness inside me."

"I'm so damn done with you dimwitted fools."

"If I were in New York, things would be different..."

"I would be more Elated and Enthusiastic if only I had some friends to hang around with."

"Perhaps if I were a real bear, they wouldn't leave me at the top of a closet."

"No, it's okay guys; you don't have to invite me to your lotion parties or anything. I'll just jump off a shelf for all you care."

BONUS: Things that look like they wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
(I really just found them like this.)

"It just had to be the eye..."

Soup and Bitch Faces

Two random mini non-vlog pretty-much-accidental videos using my new camera heheheheee. Idk why I upload these things but .. I was entertained. and thought. why not. why not just share. R-RIGHT?


This one I recorded as a test to see if putting the camera on a mini-tripod on my desk would suffice in framing for vlogs. And I ended up laughing when watching it because I'M JUST SO, SO, SO DONE WITH MYSELF AT THE END LOOL.



"Hi! Is this a... decent, y'know, position to take vlogs in...?
Let me know!*
..............................
-judges self for stupid actions-"

*I'm talking as though I'm one of those vloggers that go LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW even though I only ever intended for myself to be the only viewer of this video
esp 'cause i'm in pajamas and my hurr's a mess oops

This.... is just kind of a meaningless conversation I had with a coworker, not knowing that my camera had been recording. It goes nowhere and I still don't know what the hell he meant. (I've been going around the office and warehouse recording footage for the company video that I'm helping to make!)

I AM OKAY!

^^
On another note, my new Samsung NX1100 camera arrived a few days ago! So exciting!! I love it a lot~
I got it on Black Friday sale for $289, which is way out of my budget but still so much better than its original price of $500-600. Considering it comes with the 20-50mm lens and a detachable flash, it's a really good deal.

I have no experience with photography, but I'm excited that I can start playing with depth of field and aperture! Can't wait to make vlogs with this either :>



There's nothing quite interesting in my room but here are a few pictures. (Every picture in this post is unedited, with the exception of my mom's blurred out face.)

The jet that watches over and protects Eva Blvd

My high school valedictorian medal ;D Can't forget that.

Yonghwa on my You're Beautiful poster

And so I ran around the house looking for things to take pictures of!

I found these two charms/dolls that I thought were adorable and fit the characters of Frozen perfectly. ;u;

Anna is dreaming.

Elsa is queening in ice-olation.

Full bloom

When Eva really looked like a boy.

Lastly, this unintentional picture that I ended up liking a lot.

My dad came in my room randomly one night and was like, "DO YOU KNOW HOW PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE HOLD THEIR CAMERAS?" and I was like, "I DON'T FREAKIN CARE" and then he proceeded to tell me that I should hold my camera like that^ to look more professional.

So I tried it and turned to the mirror to see what it looks like and to take a test picture, not even bothering to notice that the brightness setting was too high.

But I like the fantasy-esque effect that came out, as well as the emphasis on my two favorite colors: white and blue. ^^

For the First Time in Forever

I recorded a short cover of "For the First Time in Forever" originally sung by Kristen Bell (and Idina Menzel) for Disney's Frozen OST!

It was a lot of fun aaaaahhhh I love Frozen. ;u;<3


https://app.box.com/s/95rzell25ik0pk12pkai

The window is open, so’s that door 
I didn’t know they did that anymore 
Who knew we owned a thousand salad plates? 
For years I’ve roamed these empty halls 
Why have a ballroom with no balls? 
Finally they’re opening up the gates 

There’ll be actual real live people 
It’ll be totally strange 
Wow, am I so ready for this change 

'Cuz for the first time in forever 
There’ll be music, there’ll be light 
For the first time in forever 
I’ll be dancing through the night 

Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy 
But I’m somewhere in the zone 
'Cuz for the first time in forever 
I won’t be alone 

Meltworthy

I got to see Frozen yesterday, and I love it. I love it I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
I LOVE DISNEY PRINCESSES.
I love water/ice as a motif.
I love the color blue which was heavily splashed throughout the cinematography.
I love that Elsa and Anna aren't what you'd expect of a princess (though one's a queen).
I love that Elsa's feisty, proud, faces inner turmoil filled with guilt and fear, and has become cold due to her circumstances and withdrawing into her shell.
I love that Anna's unpoetic, ungraceful, witty, and awkward. I like that her youth and lack of eloquence is reflected in her songs' lyrics.
I love the songs, I ADORE Kristen Bell's voice, and admire Idina Menzel's belting and cold, non-stereotypical-Disney voice.

For some reason, I really feel like... ergh. it's not quite that I can relate to the movie, but more that it really strikes the right places in me.

I'm not a very warm person (physically and metaphorically), I'm known to be unapproachable, and my personality isn't very sweet or nice. I've been called an ice princess, "coldhearted," and have been told things like "my hands are as cold as my heart."
To me personally, ice has been a motif in my life for a while.

I reference these two posts a lot (mostly to myself to grasp my own changing mentalities) because they well explain my former perspective on romantic affection and relationships, which only changed as I entered my first relationship.
The first being this, which is really just my insecurity.

And there's this, in which I rambled about my paranoia and how I'd "become incapable of romantic affection so I don't ever feel like.. I like anybody in that way, or would like someone enough to feel like it's okay to enter a relationship."

And a line that I think back to a lot:
"I used to sometimes question whether or not I had a heart, and now I know I do, but it's just encased in ice so I guess I'm waiting for somebody with a grade-A flamethrower."

There's a track in Frozen's OST called "Some People Are Worth Melting For" and I'm just left thinking, like, ...really? I melted in the face of a self-proclaimed grade-S flamethrower and I became a mess and now I'm wondering if it was worth it. Was it worth it? This song breaks my heart.

Well, romantic affection is just one part of what I associate with my icy shield. I completely forgot that I wrote this post until I searched through my rambly posts just now.

I'm scared. I'm scared because while I started keeping ice around my heart as a defense from being hurt or affected, it also makes me a very dislikable, unaffectionate, distanced, hateful, distrustful, and withdrawn Eva. Right now I can feel the ice coming back, and I'm just kind of letting it because I don't know what to do or how to become truly stronger at this moment. I'm so, so bitter. On the bright side, I'm no longer the dependent and clingy, pathetic Eva shown in that post from October 25th, though I still find myself emotionally broken at times. Hopefully, maybe someday I can figure out a way to let my walls down and let the ice melt and still be strong enough to stand on my own and trust others.


Now Playing:

Idina Menzel's "Let It Go" from the Frozen OST

Guh, these lyrics also hit a sensitive spot in my heart but I can't stop listening.

ootd

(from .. days ago welp)
I started wearing skirts and dresses more lately /o/

I'm really excited that I'll be receiving a new camera in a few days!
This is the first time I'm ever buying something so expensive that's not .. paying for car payments/bills/university tuition. ;^; I never buy games, make-up, bags, expensive clothes, and don't even have a smartphone.. OTL The only reason I'm not using a $30 logitech mic from middle school(?) is because I received my snowball as a bday present from the lovely Yanovi. alskdfjsf I'm a little too cheap/frugal for my own good.. Actually I'm rather concerned because I'm REALLY broke after this camera and monthly payments aaaaah QQ
BUT YEAH I..'ve been wanting a nicer camera for a while. And it was a really good Black Friday deal. And I also have a legitimate reason to need a better camera because I'm going to be helping with my company's video to be shown at our HQ's new years kick-off, and it'd be better if I can collect footage without borrowing someone else's camera. ^^

A Non-Thanksgiving-Related Thanksgiving Post

Hehe this might be a messy/incoherent post because I just got home from work like 3 minutes ago and have to eat dinner and then leave again to meet with some project groupmates at school at 8 PM. Gahh so busy, la.

I realized/decided when driving home from work today that I'm really happy with where I am.
Perhaps I wasn't even two days ago. But today--at this very moment--I'm happy being in this place and being all the things I am, and am grateful for all the things I have.
Yeah, I was miserable. Yeah, I spent days crying sporadically and then nonstop through the nights, and I didn't know how to pick myself up again. Yeah, I kind of miss and sometimes still yearn for the past. But somehow I'm still here and somehow I've started moving forward a little and somehow I'm at peace with myself and like the things around me.

Mostly I started thinking about this when I realized how much I love where I am with my friends right now, other than the fact that my best friend is now 7 hours away instead of 10 minutes. But I appreciate that our friendship hasn't changed and that she's still my best friend who I can always confide in and love (and call at 2 AM when I just really need someone there). I was kind of sad that the realm of friendships and experiences I had during summer are now pretty much gone, though I'm still trying to keep in contact  and would more than love to hang out again anytime. But I'm realizing that another door did open, and I'm loving the realm of friendships I have now too. I like having friends to casually and frequently hang out with, like Myst and Yano. And then I like our bigger Norcal parties with Karu, Kura, Fome, Dibur, Kazou, and Diji. I like that even though we're getting comfortable with each other, there's still much we don't know about each other and it's still new and exciting and enjoyable. We're still getting to experience new things and there's hardly a boring moment even if we're not doing much. It's nice. For once, I actually really like people, and I look forward to company, going out of the house, and trying to socialize more.

I like that there are a lot of people that really care about me. I hope I never forget how many people were concerned about me when I needed support, and how they reached out to me. I hope I never forget the feeling of strength and happiness I got from the support of my friends at that time, for they were the ones pulling me forward when I felt like everything stopped.

I like that I got a chance to really rethink myself, and my perception of and confidence in myself. I like that I've become an Eva who still sometimes is emotional or sad, but is much less susceptible to depression, self-hate, and spending hours in bed crying. I like that I'm starting to have more belief in and satisfaction with myself, my personality, my appearance, my abilities.

I like that I can still be somewhat logical and forgiving despite everything. I like that some people come to me for support, and I like that I've become much more patient and optimistic. I like that I've become less fearful of presenting myself.

I like that I'm still doing well in school--even though there were some times I was feeling too down or lifeless to attend class--and am sure I will be receiving well-earned straight A's this semester. I like that I have a good part-time job, even if it sometimes is stressful or really tiring. I like that I feel helpful and increasingly capable, and that I've earned myself a raise.

I like that my parents were unexpectedly supportive. I like that my mom showed to me for the first time a side that really moved me, when she told me I was beautiful and deserve better things and to be happy. I like that I have my parents. I like that I'm at an age where it's still perfectly acceptable for me to live with my parents, even though I also have the freedom to drive off to wherever I desire. I like my car (even if it costs me so much each month) and the house that I live in. I like that I can come home from work or class to a warm home-cooked meal.

I like that I still am able to record covers. Unfortunately, singing doesn't mean what it used to mean to me. While it's still something that really relieves my mind of worries and makes me happy, singing and recording now means throat pains and having to record late at night because I have no time otherwise. It's no longer a great passion and stress-free hobby. But even if it physically hurts and means less sleep, singing and mixing covers like this makes me feel accomplished and proud of what I'm able to produce. I like that I've improved at both singing and rapping a lot. I've still long, long, long ways to go, but I don't hate where I am.

Today I'm really grateful for all these things. And if tomorrow I forget how grateful I should be, READ THIS FUCKING POST EVA. READ IT. THIS IS WHY I WROTE IT.

~Life~

So I learned that
I cannot handle all of these things simultaneously in my life LOL

1. School
2. Work
3. Social Life (I KNOW RIGHT. I ACTUALLY KIND OF HAVE ONE NOW!! Well it's mostly hanging out with Myst, Yano, and other cool Norcal people a lot.)
4. Mixing Collabs
5. Recording Solos
6. Watching Dramas
7. Sleeping earlier than 3 AM


I was wondering how I've been able to get so into Korean dramas and be obsessively on top of the episodes weekly for 5 shows.. and even hang out with friends, have a bf until recently, work 20 hours a week, and still have straight A's. It made no sense for me to have so much free time?? And then I realized that ever since the school semester started, I basically cut recording and mixing out of my schedule LOL.

And now that I'm dedicating a lot of time on mixing a collab (as in mixing as soon as I wake up/staying up til 4 AM) and am also working on some solo covers, I FELL SO BEHIND ON DRAMAS. I HAVEN'T WATCHED ANY OF THIS WEEK'S AND NEXT WEEK'S ARE ABOUT TO COME OH GOD. I don't want to fall behind because then I start avoiding catching up and then I'll never finish the drama; I'm stubborn like that. I'm so lucky that school's in that chill phase before finals hit, so I hardly have anything due right now. And I still want to hang out with people. ;^;)/

Goodbye Summer

The date is November 22nd.
We are a week and two days from the start of December.
Winter officially started yesterday.
My school semester ends in 2 and a half weeks.

It's really strange that every time the song "Goodbye Summer" by f(x) (featuring EXO's D.O) comes on in my car, there's still a pang of bitter melancholy at the bottom of my chest, and there's still a reluctance--or rather, refusal--to accept the end of summer. Because winter has already started and I'm still not ready to say goodbye to summer.
Wasn't it just yesterday when f(x)'s album came out and I thought the song was nice even though it brought a painful reminder that summer was about ending? So quickly we're here already; even the seasons have moved on without me, and I'm not even giving chase.

I think to me, those 4 months were my summer. That WAS my summer, and it was what made my summer special, exciting, and beautiful. And I'm still not ready to let summer go. But I will. Once I'm ready, I'll learn to embrace the other seasons too.

Honey

Honey, you need to stop thinking that you've nowhere to go from here.

Foam

A few days ago, I was hanging out with Myst and Dibur and Fome's bands at Fome's band's studio. Or more like Myst and I were being groupies as they performed a pretty legit concert for us and jammed away all night. (Freakin' talented people.) And I had a moment.

One of Dibur's bandmates goes by the nickname Crazy Reiji.
At one point, someone extended that over to Fome, calling him Crazy Fome.

To which I said, "It's the new Silly Putty."

And that is pretty much the highlight of my life and the peak of my intelligent existence.
In that moment, I was a genius.

and a 4-month chapter in my life comes to a close. thank you and goodbye.

The Adventure of Libby

After her transformation, Libby went on to tie for 1st place in the company pumpkin carving/decoration contest!

But unfortunately, all good things come to an end.

I'm sure many pixies unbeknownst to our sight and senses were able to enjoy the warm welcome of Libby's hospitality and the company of her turtle friend Shelly. ;u;

Libby was able to spend a wonderful and joyful couple of days on display with her pumpkin siblings, all of whom she was very proud of. She was loved and admired by many, gaining a surprising abundance of remarks at the girl that the design was creative and cute.

Libby's one regret in her short but worthwhile lifetime was that she couldn't be lit up with a candle like the rest of her siblings. But she couldn't do that to the pixies anyway.

And now that mold was starting to become a problem, it was time for Libby to resign.
Today, we've let Libby go.

You were the best pumpkin friend an overly sentimental girl could ever ask for. RIP Libby (? - 11/1/2013)

Reverse Trick-or-Treat!

Hehe here's an excerpt from my post from last Halloween:

There were so many kids in costumes trying to trick-or-treat at the mall! And it was SO SAD because the majority of the stores had signs that wrote, "SORRY NO CANDY. Happy Halloween!" and it's just like duuuuuuuuuude wtf that's like saying, "Hey sorry for breaking your heart. Have a great day!"

Next Halloween, I'm thinking.. if I'm not too busy.. I might go to a mall, walk around with a bucket of candy, and donate to all the poor kids that're missing out on the experience of gathering Halloween candy, that aren't getting any hospitality from the corporate minds that won't share a bit of what might bring some joy. 8D I think that would be really fun! I'd feel like Santa Claus!!!

 

I'm very proud to say that I've been able to make this into a reality!

Ho ho ho ;v; !
MERRY CHRISTMAS.



Ol' Santa here was able to gather [her] good friends, Vanellope and the Mad Hatter, to bring children the gift of joy and potential cavities. ; 7 ;

Myst, Dibur, Ebah

Though for the most part, we were basically just travelling stranger danger. There were times when kids would see us giving candy to other kids so they'd come over and crowd around us (once, they even formed a short line! LOL) buuuuut for the most part, it was us approaching REALLY confused kids who were just like, "what.. the fuhhh?!" and we just. HERE HAVE SOME CANDY TAKE SOME CANDY IT'S OKAY HERE HAPPY HALLOWEEN MERRY CHRISTMAS.

We ran into some really cute people though. ;u; (alksdfalksfjdk all the kids were cute though because kids aaahhhh)

There was one family where only male parental figures were present, and one of the fathers didn't just encourage his daughter to take some of our candies, but also gave us some candy back!! This unexpected trade really warmed our hearts. ;u;

And then there was the woman that I guess was like us! ^^ I didn't know there was anyone else there doing what we were doing, but so glad to know that we weren't alone. She came up to us with a bag of candy and was like, "OH, TEENAGERS GOING TRICK OR TREATING? HERE HAVE SOME CANDY" and we're just like QAAAAAQ..... -touched- -but none of us are teenagers anymore- -internal sobbing-

And who can forget the mother that asked the three of us to take a picture with her adorable son? :>

But of course, my friends are adorable too.