Late night rambling #2

Feel free to ignore this; I am way too self conscious.

So far, I'm not so big on romantic affection. (My fangirlling over idols is not romantic affection.) Quoting myself from a previous post, I think I've "become incapable of romantic affection so I don't ever feel like.. I like anybody in that way, or would like someone enough to feel like it's okay to enter a relationship." I guess that's the majority of my reason. But also, I don't think I have the confidence in myself as a person that can be liked or that can date; I never consider myself "eligible" or "single" even though that's technically my relationship status I guess. It just gets to me because even when it's just a really small, dumb thing like thinking somebody is kind of attractive--not even me trying to pursue them or really having an actual crush on them--I don't feel like it's..right. Not sure how to put it. But I get really discouraged when I find out that they have been in a relationship before, and especially if I see pictures of them with their past girlfriends. I'm not even trying to be or ever become their girlfriend, but it's just this automatic response of, "Oh don't even bother being even slightly attracted because you'll never live up to her," "This person has experience and you're still a clueless newbie so you would never be considered," "You will be compared to that girl," "And you will lose to her," "Give up now before you really start liking them." It actually really bothers me because I can't help but put myself down even if this person has nothing to do with me, their past has nothing to do with me either, and I have invested nothing into this other than some mere thoughts to myself. And the past is just the past, you'd hope.. But to be honest, I think it is kind of inevitable to unintentionally compare/contrast your previous partners to your current one. That's why people that have been in relationships before scare me. It's unfortunate that I don't feel safe even with the thought of "hey this person is mildly attractive" unless they're a clean slate, but that's such dumb and idealistic thinking. orz I hate this mentality and I wish I could burn it because I know it's getting me down for absolutely baseless reasons.