After I tell my coworker that I'm bored of life...
Coworker: You sound like [other coworker that we tease for having a midlife crisis] right now.
Me: I TURN 20 NEXT MONTH.. ;^; I'm having my one-fifth life crisis.
Coworker: Oh. Well is there anything you want to do before you turn 20?
Me: Sleep.
I don't know what this is that I'm feeling--this boredom, apatheticness, pessimism, and lack of motivation--and I'm not sure if it's associated at all with my fear of growing up and not wanting to move forward. It's actually kind of self-contradicting because you'd think a change would be motivating so I don't understand.
It scares me, that I'm approaching 20.
There isn't much of a difference between 19 and 20, but the connotations of the first digits are extremely different. When you hit 20, you are no longer a teenager. It can be the scariest thing in the world if you're neither prepared nor willing to take that forward lunge.
It's exciting to others who are ready to embrace the bringings of the future, who pine for adventure and freedom. I don't want to go clubbing, I don't want to drink, and I don't need the privileges of being an adult.
Now, you're expected to put past your childish desires and behaviors. Now that you're no longer a teenager, you're out of excuses for immaturity. I don't expect myself to succeed as an adult, in many ways.
I think adding onto my one-fifth life crisis is the fact that I'm about to end my 2nd year in university. And I still don't know what I'm doing. I have a major, but I don't know what I'm going to do with it or if I'm in the right major. But then no other majors interest me either. I don't know what I want to do for a career nor do I think I have the capability in any field. People around me keep expecting me to graduate soon so I can hurry up and get a real job to make money; the pressure's sickening. I still hate college and I'm not ready to no longer be a child.
I've spent the past 2 days constantly singing "I Dreamed a Dream" to myself but sadly I cannot relate, because I dream yet have no dream.
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It's okay to be physically 20 and mentally 14! I think many people in the community have proven this already AHAHAHA.
ReplyDeleteBut omg yes I know that I Need To Do Something But I Don't Wanna Do Anything feeling omg. Evasoul needs to inspiring! //casually goes to draw something... jkay m'also not feeling it AHAHAHA
LEE this comment made me smile. Your existence makes me smile.
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