Meltworthy

I got to see Frozen yesterday, and I love it. I love it I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
I LOVE DISNEY PRINCESSES.
I love water/ice as a motif.
I love the color blue which was heavily splashed throughout the cinematography.
I love that Elsa and Anna aren't what you'd expect of a princess (though one's a queen).
I love that Elsa's feisty, proud, faces inner turmoil filled with guilt and fear, and has become cold due to her circumstances and withdrawing into her shell.
I love that Anna's unpoetic, ungraceful, witty, and awkward. I like that her youth and lack of eloquence is reflected in her songs' lyrics.
I love the songs, I ADORE Kristen Bell's voice, and admire Idina Menzel's belting and cold, non-stereotypical-Disney voice.

For some reason, I really feel like... ergh. it's not quite that I can relate to the movie, but more that it really strikes the right places in me.

I'm not a very warm person (physically and metaphorically), I'm known to be unapproachable, and my personality isn't very sweet or nice. I've been called an ice princess, "coldhearted," and have been told things like "my hands are as cold as my heart."
To me personally, ice has been a motif in my life for a while.

I reference these two posts a lot (mostly to myself to grasp my own changing mentalities) because they well explain my former perspective on romantic affection and relationships, which only changed as I entered my first relationship.
The first being this, which is really just my insecurity.

And there's this, in which I rambled about my paranoia and how I'd "become incapable of romantic affection so I don't ever feel like.. I like anybody in that way, or would like someone enough to feel like it's okay to enter a relationship."

And a line that I think back to a lot:
"I used to sometimes question whether or not I had a heart, and now I know I do, but it's just encased in ice so I guess I'm waiting for somebody with a grade-A flamethrower."

There's a track in Frozen's OST called "Some People Are Worth Melting For" and I'm just left thinking, like, ...really? I melted in the face of a self-proclaimed grade-S flamethrower and I became a mess and now I'm wondering if it was worth it. Was it worth it? This song breaks my heart.

Well, romantic affection is just one part of what I associate with my icy shield. I completely forgot that I wrote this post until I searched through my rambly posts just now.

I'm scared. I'm scared because while I started keeping ice around my heart as a defense from being hurt or affected, it also makes me a very dislikable, unaffectionate, distanced, hateful, distrustful, and withdrawn Eva. Right now I can feel the ice coming back, and I'm just kind of letting it because I don't know what to do or how to become truly stronger at this moment. I'm so, so bitter. On the bright side, I'm no longer the dependent and clingy, pathetic Eva shown in that post from October 25th, though I still find myself emotionally broken at times. Hopefully, maybe someday I can figure out a way to let my walls down and let the ice melt and still be strong enough to stand on my own and trust others.


Now Playing:

Idina Menzel's "Let It Go" from the Frozen OST

Guh, these lyrics also hit a sensitive spot in my heart but I can't stop listening.