Dreams and Success

I'm currently an accounting intern of the USA subsidiary of a company based in Taiwan. Last week was our Taiwan headquarter's year-end event for which two coworkers and I made a video, myself being the primary video and audio editor. Additionally, there's a song montage in it made by me composed entirely of video footage I shot with my new camera.

Our general manager (the highest in position within our subsidiary) told me today that when he presented the video in Taiwan, it earned some explosive applause and approval. He added that he expects even fancier next year since now that everyone else has seen this, they're gonna step it up. Apparently there was even an unofficial competition, and we won first place in presentation. :)

He also mentioned the credits sequence at the end -- which was a last-minute addition so I've never seen it -- and how my name comes up..... and this is all just such an amazing accomplishment to me.

Realistically, I'm just a lowly intern that helps process finance/inventory/sales-related things. I wasn't even supposed to have any association with the video since it's marketing's project and they initially didn't seem to want my help. Nobody at HQ likely would even give my existence a thought. And yet something that I had such a big hand in making was shown in front of all the corporate heads and people from other parts of the world, who applauded and I guess enjoyed it!!

And it doesn't end there, because I've been approached by sales & marketing to make a video to be played in the background at their trade shows! I really want to do it *A*!!

Actually, the very fact that I would jump at this newly unfolding opportunity makes me surprised and proud. I'm a coward and often unambitious. Even before the year-end video, I was really frightened to try and didn't think my abilities would be enough for an actual professional project. And now I've come pretty far from the cowardly Eva that used to always lie to my 4th grade teacher about being sick/injured so I could sit out of a kickball game, because I can't stand the pressure and attention of participating, and of people watching and expecting from me. Though that's a bit of a separate issue since my fear of direct attention is still present.

I guess I've been thinking about my ambitions lately. Or, more of my lack of. Diji keeps telling me that it's hard to associate the me that lays in bed and refuses to get out until 5 PM with the me that maintains straight A's and a job.
I have so little ambition. If I have no plans or strict obligations for the day, I don't have the motivation to get out of bed until dinnertime. I don't have dreams of what I want to be in the future and I don't even particularly like the major I'm in. There's nothing I'm actively pursuing or desire. And yet, I'm a somewhat ambitious person in my own right, in that when I try, I always give my all -- no less. I hold particular standards in that I would not want a head start but would rather be a self-constructing underdog story. I require myself to be at least fairly self-sufficient, to not burden people, and not to disappoint others.

Ultimately, this is what I've realized:
I want to be a successful person.

I have no way of, no ambition, no dream, no realistic plan to achieve that.
So with these little successes, I'm really happy. Things like being valedictorian, getting the highest score on exams in my class, earning myself a raise at work, knowing that I try my best, becoming stronger and more independent after emotional turmoil, and now being acknowledged for my media creation & manipulation abilities in a professional environment make me feel accomplished.

This is my first time ever figuring something like this out. I keep rambling in post after post about my lack of dreams, and thought about it even more with a new perspective after Lee left a comment saying how a dream doesn't just have to be about your career path.
My dream is to feel successful, through my independent efforts. Even if it may not seem successful in the eyes of others, and even if it's just knowing that I'm happy or entirely profession-unrelated. It's a vague dream but the closest I've come so far to having one.

I had a conversation with Nelson once about if I would continue working if I had kids. And honestly, I really want kids in the future. But although he made a good argument about wanting someone to always be there for the kids, some part of me can't accept sitting at home because I feel like it'd be a waste for me. It's a personal mindset, but I reject the notion that a husband needs to be THE breadwinner in terms of money. I want to contribute to the bank account, I want to have a career, I want to show and push my potentials, I want to commit to and work hard even in matters unrelated to the house and family, and I want to feel like I'm earning my keep and not just being fed or taken care of. I thought it might have been an issue of pride and not wanting to be belittled just 'cause I'm a girl. Not that being a housewife isn't perfectly respectable; it's just not my forte and now I guess I know that it's not what I want because it probably won't be what'll make me personally feel successful. But then you never know what'll happen.