Late night rambling #6

I find that not too often do I cry or even tear up at fictional pieces that I can't relate to, and I suppose right now I'm mostly referring to movies and songs. Certain movies can pull some heartstrings but just listening to a song rarely ever strikes a reaction from my tearducts.

Which is why it's so weird to me that I started tearing up at 15&'s "I Dream" while driving home from work today.

It's a song I'm really familiar with, too. It's been out for quite a while, I used to loop it A LOTTTTT along with Baek Ahyeon's "Daddy Long Legs," and it's in my car CD so I hear it all the fucking time. Maybe I was just overthinking because I also happened to be stuck in traffic.

When it came on, I started thinking about 15&'s debut and about Park Jimin. I guess Park Jimin's talent is slightly going to waste since it's not being exposed as much as it could be, which is the fault of their management JYP and a shame since she won 1st place on Kpop Star. Some say that she may just be a high note wonder and that other than that, she doesn't have enough substance to stand on.. and I've also heard that she ended up being overshadowed by her partner Baek Yerin. I guess it's kind of sad.

But I think it's really wonderful how 15& was formed. Two unexpected powerhouse talented 15 year old girls that I honestly think were meant to meet and sing together. It may be considered a setback for Park Jimin to not receive the limelight that could have came with a debut booted by a 1st place win, but I think it's absolutely heartwarming that Jimin joined JYP, met and befriended Yerin, and asked to be able to debut with her.

I also really like Yerin and love her voice to bits--as well as her reserved and awkward personality--so I guess thinking of this story while listening to her gentle yet powerful voice got me a little emotional.

People say that 15& got a shitty debut and could have gone further if they didn't have such a boring song, but I'm really glad that they debuted with "I Dream." It's not the catchiest and it only clings to those with the acquired taste for it (cough guilty of that), but it has so much meaning and I think that's important in the long run. I fucking love this song, man. It's beautiful and inspirational and carries such a heartwarming backstory.

And then it also hit me on a personal level.

In the past year or two especially, I've been hit with a lot of depression and confusion because I have no dreams, and I end up wallowing a lot over things like Baek Ahyeon and Shin Jihoon's "I Dreamed a Dream" and Wonder Girls' Sunye and Ye Eun's "When You Believe" covers.

Since I was little, my one favorite, important word had always been "Dream." I'd wear bracelets with the word written on it and errthang, and I even used to also think that my dreams while sleeping could foreshadow reality. I've always so stressed the importance of dreaming and following your dreams. Even in my hypocrisy. I guess the childhood Eva felt a little betrayed when I ended up becoming a robot with no ambitions. And I suppose it's also appropriate that I've also mostly stopped having dreams (that I remember) in my sleep.

I wish I had dreams or goals.

When I was just a tot, my mom always told me to use my birthday wishes to hope that she'll win the lottery. Eventually I grew out of her control over my birthday wishes and since then, all I can remember thinking to myself before blowing out the candles is, "Please let me be happy." I don't have any other goals.

I'm very proud of myself for having been valedictorian in high school, but deep inside, I know I'm not sure if it was worth it. Sure, I had beautiful grades and I proved I'm a hard worker but all the while, I robbed myself of relaxation, healthiness, and happiness--opting for achievement instead. What's the point? Where do I find meaning in being a robot that can follow instructions and achieve what others want of me, that has no actual desires of its own? And no sense of direction? No knowledge of how to be truly happy?

A large part of the reason I hate college (holy shit I just entered my 3rd year) is probably due to the fact that it forces me to choose a direction even though I'm not ready yet. So I chose one that I don't hate as much as I hate everything else. And now I'm stuck in this shithole where I know that my major won't actually get me a job. Practicality. Everyone's been talking and thinking practicality. I understand the future requires stability. But with a practical job that I'm not interested in, I may survive, but am I truly living? If I force myself to do something I won't like, I won't be happy at all; I might as well be dead. But now I know I'm also driving myself into unemployed, unmotivated doom. Either way, I'm fucked.

After a lot of thinking, I've realized that there are two things that I think I secretly wish I could make a future out of but can't. The two things I enjoy doing.

The first thing is writing. I suck at it. But it's so much damn fun.

The second is singing. I've always secretly thought it'd be fun and fulfilling to be a singer. I had once wanted to audition for Hello!Project, and then it was SM Entertainment. But even disregarding other factors like appearance and dancing ability... given my less-than-spectacular vocal skills, lack of endurance, extreme stage fright, and plaguing throat issues and pains, it really could not ever work out.

And with the lyrics to "I Dream" so centered around dreaming of singing a song that would bring a smile and having your voice heard, I guess I started losing it when I began to sing along. That ended up being a terrible drive.