Hi~ I just wanted to jot down some thoughts right now before the words escape me. ;u; I've been thinking about these things constantly lately not only because of my imminent college graduation, but also because a ton of people around me have recently been expressing anxieties, fears, and discouragement over the uncertain future.
If anyone's reading this and also shares these kinds of concerns, I hope you won't feel like you're experiencing this alone because you're definitely not. ;u;)/ It sucks that we're going through this, but I hope I can be at least a glimmer of encouragement for my friends.. No one should feel like it's an inherent problem within themselves or like there's something wrong with them. ;;
Because really, uncertainty's plague is inevitable and unperishable on every person—and it's an issue that people have either found some way to deal with, or have yet to. This all might be a gloomy way of looking at things, but interpret it how you will. And working through this is also for myself~
❥Misconceptions:
I'm still afraid of the future because I don't have some kind of surefire plan or direction to carry me through it. I think that I'm firmly on the path to failure and doom because I don't think I'm talented/capable/passionate/special/prepared enough to survive, and that I'm sure to lose to those people who know what they're doing.
I have the misconception that there are "winners" in this world (of whom I don't associate myself with), who will always undoubtedly succeed.
I have the misconception that most people and adults have their paths locked in place without a hitch. Therefore, I'm in the minority and not ready to be an adult.
And thankfully, I've been gaining perspective lately that have been helping me realize that these misconceptions are just exactly that. I mean, there could be some people out there who somehow miraculously embody these misconceptions???? Regardless, most people are more similar to us.
❥A Surface Is Just a Surface:
There's a coworker I've been talking to a lot lately who I believe has got 16 years on me. I work with mostly adults. And these adults never explicitly discuss their uncertainties in the realm of careers, either in the present or future. I've always gotten the impression that they're "locked in" without any room for any kind of apprehension. But this coworker was the first full fledged grown-up who's ever expressed in my company that...how smooth surfaces appear may not be how they actually are. You have to keep up certain impressions even if things aren't as in control as you'd assume. And failure is always a possibility, but it's not really a big deal. And that you can have non-career-related interests and pursuits that are also important and a large part of who you are. Careers are neither definite, nor define you. And he handles it all so coolly without worry, like it's just the natural order of life. Because you know, I think it is.
❥Not Everyone's an Expert:
It's helped that I've been exposed to working adults and professional workplaces a lot in the past few months. All these people that from a glance I would have assumed have everything all together, who are probably out of my league because they're competent enough to be hired for these jobs that I'm scared would reject me—they're not really too different... At the place I'm interning at, there are employees who don't actually know everything about what I'd expect them to know. And they're still respected, functioning employees who are adaptively learning.
❥Searching, Not Lost:
By first impression, I looked up to one of the volunteer coordinators at the film festival I volunteered at earlier this year, thinking she must be really something to be in this position. But in the afternoon I spent as her assistant sitting by her side, I learned that she's also still looking for a path and keeping options open. She wants to try this and that, go here and there. She cheerily asked colleagues to recommend her to non-profits she could possibly work with, but never seemed pessimistic, dismal, or unconfident at the lack of guarantee.
❥The Mother Who Went Back to School:
There's a charming woman whom I've seen several times collaborating with film students on projects. She's cool, competent, optimistic, unceasingly smiling and willing to help with anything. I always assumed she was 1) a teacher or staff member, 2) a professional, or 3) a friend helping out because of side interests in the arts.
But I really got to know her on the film shoot I worked on last month—it turns out that she's a student who once had a high-paying corporate job! She went touring with her theatre major daughter who was considering universities, and she wished that she could work and be in a theatre environment too. Her daughter's answer turned her life around: "That's easy, Mom. Just quit your job and go back to school."
I look at these adults like peering into an obscured mirror, because it's the closest thing to looking at the future—which really doesn't exist. It arrives as the present and becomes a memory. But despite being nonexistent, it's the most frightening.
❥Failure and Perfectionism:
I can't believe I actually attained life lessons from school LOL. My professors this semester have discussed some things I now think everyone should know.
One of my professors ALWAYS feeds us the anecdote about the person who invented cell phones. To us, cell phones are important, brilliant, and a no-brainer in our lives. But most people don't know that it took the inventor of the mobile phone fucking 30 years of persistence before his vision was accepted. Of course, it's the ultimate success that overshadows the failure and tribulations. But they're there. It's reassuring to know, in a somewhat sick way.
One of the major factors in my writing this post is my screenwriting professor's talk in class today. He strongly recommended a book titled
Art & Fear for those who have anxieties about being an artist. I'll probably check it out. So I started thinking:
why is it that artists in particular seem to be the most shaken and insecure? There's gotta be more than just the fact that it's a risky career choice since many jobs in the arts don't guarantee financial stability, and the risk of success relying on subjective appreciation. It doesn't entirely explain all the insecurity.
So I realized, I think it's because art is such a personal thing—it's often deeply rooted in the self and grows from the artist's expression—that if it becomes what is perceived as "failure," it just hurts that much more. Like a pointed offense towards the artist.
But as my professor says: "Your art is not you. If something stinks, it doesn't mean you're a failure. You just take what you've learned and move on to your next piece.
The only way to get better at art is to make a lot of art.
And the only thing stopping you from making a lot of art is being afraid that your art isn't good enough.
Perfection is the enemy of developing as an artist."
This is a conversation I had with Fome last week when I was feeling like there's nothing about myself that I can feel confident about. :/
[4/6/2015 1:38:55 AM] Fome: i mean this without any presumption, and do not at all intend to sound patronizing. but i just think that, when you maybe get closer to your 30s, you will look back on things with a different perspective. possibly
[4/6/2015 1:39:22 AM] Eva: no, it's true and i agree
[4/6/2015 1:40:51 AM] Eva: when i can get an actual taste of industry and become numb from falling on my ass and i stop feeling like the people around me impose high expectations of success and breadwinning on me that i don't think i can fulfill
[4/6/2015 1:40:57 AM] Eva: i'll definitely have a different perspective
[4/6/2015 1:41:02 AM] Eva: but for now there's still the looming
[4/6/2015 1:41:06 AM] Eva: fuck i'm gonna fail
[4/6/2015 1:41:11 AM] Eva: and fuck my parents are not gonna take it well
[4/6/2015 1:41:45 AM] Eva: eventually it'll feel like "there's nothing to lose"
[4/6/2015 1:42:11 AM] Eva: but right now i haven't put a foot forward yet and so haven't suffered a loss so i have much to lose
After today's class, I kind of feel like... yes I still have much to lose. If I ever live up to the expectations imposed on me, it will most likely take a while. But I'm suited up more now with some padding to break the first inevitable fall on my ass. It happens. Everyone fails, and then you just live on and continue to give your best efforts. ^^;;
Of course, realizing these things doesn't mean an immediate change in mentality and emotion—it takes time, or some eruptive, reset-button-pushing trigger. So I'm probably still gonna freak out. A lot. Fuck. I'm still not ready for graduation or the future or anything.
❥But at least I've realized these things:
That you have travelers who walk into uncharted territory with a blank map, and travelers who stand still blaming life for handing them a blank map of uncharted territory.
There are risk-takers and those who are paralyzed.
One should plan and prepare themselves, but ultimately, no amount of planning equals absolute certainty.
And falling on asses is normal as long as you don't spend the rest of your life crying on the pavement.
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