Mermaid

Jang Yeeun (장예은) "Mermaid (목소리) (ft. Rohann)"

Sonny linked this song to me the other day and I've been listening to it a lot; I really like it. 😭 The "mermaid" theme and the way the instrumental so ethereally brings that to life, the fact that Yeeun is actually a rapper in her group (CLC) but can sing this well, the lyrics, it's all somewhat comforting.

For some reason my mental health took a huge dive in the past two days, although I'm doing better today! It felt rather sudden, but I guess the "build-up" was how I've been more on edge with anxiety lately and feeling burnt out after spending the holiday weekend hardcore working on projects and likely some hormonal changes. It's good timing that jobwork slowed down a bit for me this week so I've thankfully been able to take a breather and take a look at my values again. For a while I was questioning all over again what makes me happy, what makes me feel fulfilled. There were so many things that I suddenly forgot.

I enjoy making content and I feel gratified when people feel touched or inspired by the things I pour my heart into (although I don't want to be dependent on feedback—when it happens it's a nice bonus). I don't want to measure my value by my productivity or how many things I put out or how quickly they get done. I think I need to accept that I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of time to work on anything healthily and that if I'm upset at my level of skill, I can/should take the time to improve my skills. And to not be disappointed at myself for being slow, for not being as good at something as I'd like, or for not matching up to other people.

And to not be disappointed in myself for already doing my best. It's hard on days when that voice of anxiety keeps barking at you to do more, to do better, and it's just never satisfied, it's never enough, the entire day is wasted, nothing is enjoyable or meaningful. But yeah, the break from work is just what I needed to ease into trying to relax a bit and to try to convince myself that living a day without "accomplishment" is still living. I've been listening to meditation before sleeping and also occasionally taking breaks to rest my eyes while listening to a Jane Austen audiobook. Last week I said that I was saving the ACNH Summer update and Pokemon Café Mix for when I finished my two current high priority projects—and to be frank I stopped looking forward to it for some reason—but I'm going to try to log off now and play a bit. Hopefully it's fun ;v;

Also this country is still on fire. I'm still upset about that. What the hell.