I have a problem and I don't know to what exactly I should attribute it. Anxiety? Self-consciousness, an obsession with self image? A lack of certain humility? Inferiority complex?
Now I'm 22 and I haven't outgrown it still. It's juvenile and toxic.
I can't play multiplayer games or sports, for several reasons. I insist on not participating in group activities. First of all, because I never liked having the attention of a group; everyone looks at you when it's your turn (though this has become much less an issue in the past year and is the reason I started participating more). And even worse, they're paying attention to how you perform, on the spot. There's the pressure of being a fun group member rather than killjoy: by doing well, performing with humor, or coolly failing with humility. But I don't feel like I'm capable of doing any of those things. I suppose it's because I don't believe I'm an enjoyable person that I put so much stress on my success, that I don't want ever to show any cracks. It's probably all in my head—my fear of others judging me and my conviction that I must be responsible of not ruining others' fun. All things that surely develop when you were the bullied child.
So I get all overwhelmed and I don't know how to react, so my tear ducts do it for me.
But it's all so dumb.
Earlier this summer, my friends started playing that game where you hold a word over your head and you have to guess it based on what others tell you. I refused to be the guesser because I was terrible at the game... First of all, I didn't know most of the words or pop culture references?! Like, I know nothing?!?! I feel really dumb?!? And I'm also very bad at expressing, describing, and thinking on the spot. I was pretty useless. Finally they convinced me to give guessing a shot, and I was so incompetent and overwhelmed that I started crying.. OTL Humiliating.
So I went to the beach with friends and I initiated playing frisbee catch because I recently learned that I'm not horrible at frisbee (pretty horrible at 90% of sports) and I'm trying more to play with others. Had gotten more comfortable, it wasn't so bad. And then they decided to hit a volleyball around instead, and I'm horrible at volleyball. I mean, come on.. I don't have any sense of aim, I have poor coordination in general, I have little upper body strength, and worst of all: I'M SCARED OF THE BALL. And scared of pain. And scared of being watched. And scared of people thinking I'm pathetic.
I kinda tried sometimes to hit the ball if it was near me and if I had to?! Mostly I'd fail. Everyone else was really good. And with every bounce of the ball I felt like pressure was being pounded on me and I just wanted to be anywhere but there OTL...... The kicker, of course, was when eventually the volleyball came rolling towards me on the sand, and I decided to be a smartass and send it back with a kick. But with the poor coordination that I have, I completely missed the kick........... in front of everyone.............. and that just did it. I cried over that, and I ran away from the game and my friends because of that. (I was wearing sunglasses though so at least hopefully nobody noticed and I didn't make things too awkward ;n;) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I'm so mad. I'm 22! I still cry over stupid things like this and can't play well with others.
But it's all so dumb.
Earlier this summer, my friends started playing that game where you hold a word over your head and you have to guess it based on what others tell you. I refused to be the guesser because I was terrible at the game... First of all, I didn't know most of the words or pop culture references?! Like, I know nothing?!?! I feel really dumb?!? And I'm also very bad at expressing, describing, and thinking on the spot. I was pretty useless. Finally they convinced me to give guessing a shot, and I was so incompetent and overwhelmed that I started crying.. OTL Humiliating.
So I went to the beach with friends and I initiated playing frisbee catch because I recently learned that I'm not horrible at frisbee (pretty horrible at 90% of sports) and I'm trying more to play with others. Had gotten more comfortable, it wasn't so bad. And then they decided to hit a volleyball around instead, and I'm horrible at volleyball. I mean, come on.. I don't have any sense of aim, I have poor coordination in general, I have little upper body strength, and worst of all: I'M SCARED OF THE BALL. And scared of pain. And scared of being watched. And scared of people thinking I'm pathetic.
I kinda tried sometimes to hit the ball if it was near me and if I had to?! Mostly I'd fail. Everyone else was really good. And with every bounce of the ball I felt like pressure was being pounded on me and I just wanted to be anywhere but there OTL...... The kicker, of course, was when eventually the volleyball came rolling towards me on the sand, and I decided to be a smartass and send it back with a kick. But with the poor coordination that I have, I completely missed the kick........... in front of everyone.............. and that just did it. I cried over that, and I ran away from the game and my friends because of that. (I was wearing sunglasses though so at least hopefully nobody noticed and I didn't make things too awkward ;n;) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I'm so mad. I'm 22! I still cry over stupid things like this and can't play well with others.
Annyeong, Eva-noona!
ReplyDeleteMm, I like to think that everyone develops at a different age. That's not saying that you're under-developed, not at all, but as cliche as it is, everyone is different, and so everyone experiences different emotions, on a wide spectrum. This can connect to your past experiences of bullying, which are no doubt different from mine, and so on.
I took an acting class in my freshman year that taught me that we should never be apologetic about our emotions. As my professor liked to say, "Emotions simply are. All pure, all important." You're allowed to cry at the age of 22, 80, 100, and every age in between. In fact, I prefer those who show "too much" emotion, to those who don't. Don't be embarrassed!
So I don't know if this comment will help at all, but I sympathize and empathize with you, Eva. I cry a lot too, like whenever school gets too much, or when life just throws so many curve balls that you just want to hang up your equipment and quit.
But honestly, I never thought of you as a quitter. From the time that I've "known" you, you've never failed to work hard - that includes school, Gemini, and a bunch of other projects that you've been in. I remember reading your older posts and thinking, "Damn, this girl works much harder than I ever have in school..." And I mean that. When I first came across your channel, I thought you were really brave to upload your singing. You inspired me to start singing somewhat seriously and upload my own covers, and that means something.
So, please don't be sorry. Please don't be mad about breaking out into tears just because you couldn't "play well with others." It doesn't mean you're immature - because I know for a fact that you're very mature - and it doesn't mean you're anything less than what you already are.
All the best to you, Eva-noona. <3 *sending a hug your way*
aaaaaaa ;A; uri dongsaengi~
DeleteThanks for this message. ;;
I guess you're right, that we shouldn't feel apologetic for our emotions..
You're so sweet orz I hope you're doing well. I'll reread your comment and really think about everything you said.. Thanks so much. It means a lot! I do feel comforted ;^;