throat ramblings and maybe yet another existential crisis

So I've had a long history of throat troubles.

Temporarily-recovered-then-back-with-a-vengeance acid reflux.

Bad vocal technique. Sometimes on purpose because I don't like the way my voice naturally sounds.

Doctors that didn't offer meaningful solutions...

Regrettably, a lot of pushing it too far where I'd continue forcing my voice out when it's already worn, motivated by deadlines and limited recording time. ;; I'm too self-conscious to record when anyone can hear so I used to take any opportunity if my parents were out or at work—and nowadays only while they're sleeping which is rough and also means I'm bringing all the existing fatigue from that day to the recording session orz

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And this year, my throat hit an all-time low ;;; The worst it's ever been without being sick... At one point I could hardly speak two sentences without needing a sip of water which really, really sucked for everyday life. For singing I could barely let out a note that didn't sound 80% like physical pain (not my favorite timbre of voice to listen to in a cover unfortunately 😔).

In the summer, I first tried taking vocal rest and went back on reflux meds... which did nothing this time because I'm a FOOL and no one/none of the instructions told me that you can't lie down for 90 minutes after the medicine, which is taken in the morning and 30 mins before eating; so I thought I was being so clever crawling back into bed to look at my phone, but no!!! I probably made everything worse!!! aaa

Anyway at some point I went to get my tinnitus checked out and oops—found out I was both anemic and have extremely swollen sinuses which explains why I often have difficulty breathing—would you figure that! 🤔 Apparently in this year of 2021, my body which previously was blessed with no allergies other than to cats.....has suddenly decided to become allergic to the world. Thanks, body, thanks, late 20's.

After things got even worse, I went to an ENT who confirmed that I don't have nodes, yay!! But there is indeed hella inflammation from laryngopharyngeal reflux and allergies so now I'm on new meds for both. Also started using a steamer, doubled down on reflux diet, and bought a mattress wedge so I sleep at an incline! 🤞

The ENT told me that I haven't suffered permanent throat damage and that I'll be able to sing again, which at the time was such a relief to hear... But now that it's been a few weeks...and while my reflux symptoms have calmed and I can speak without intermittent sips of water...it's definitely gotten better.........yet my throat still feels scratchy all the time; my voice still hoarse and I can barely sing; it's still worse than it ever was before this year. I'm absolutely the type of pessimistic person to always assume the worst—I just can't shake the possibility (and at least now I can say possibility when a month ago I thought it a certainty) that there could be permanent damage after all. The doctor can tell me that I'll get better, but I'm finding it maybe hard to believe, I don't know. ;o;

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Back in the summer before it even hit the lowest point, when I took my first vocal hiatus, I remember...hearing a certain song and thinking about how I wanted to improve my vocal range and basics and build up better vocal technique. "As soon as my voice recovers I should work hard to become a much stronger singer that won't let other people or myself down!!"

Then seeped in the darker side of my mind: "Are you sure you want to look forward to becoming a better singer, because... what if you never recover?" So I've been trying not to give myself false hope.

That's really sad for a person whose life has practically revolved around singing and rapping and covers and music collaborations for 15 years. It's been my cherished hobby since I was a kid... and now all my friends are singers (all much, much better than me so I'll take all the improvement I can get lol).

I used to be a lot more depressed and I remember many days years ago when my throat was in bad condition and my heavy thoughts were driven by "What if I lose my ability to sing? What would I do if I lost this one thing that I actually can say that I love, when I don't love much else? This precious thing I used to do to lift my spirits is now becoming a stressor. What if I stop enjoying it? What if I have to give up this part of me that's been my life all this time? There will be nothing left." It felt a lot like heartbreak.

Now I'm more jaded, have come to more of an acceptance of such things, (and maybe I have more things that I love now?) but earlier this year I felt a renewal of such depressing fears when I had both throat and eye issues at the same time—what the hell would I do if I lost both my voice and eyesight??? Literally what could I do with my life? 😭 Because of all these issues I've been taking a long break from youtube hobbies, since I can't sing/rap nor stare at a computer long enough to work on mixing, animating, or video editing for fun. Eyes are reserved for my full-time job so that I can eat good food. But I'm on medications for all these things and making a recovery slowly!

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So that's what goes on in my mind, I'm sorry for the depressing post ... This wasn't meant to be a New Years-related blog, but now that we're here I want to hope that this next year will bring much improved health all around. To anyone who may read this, first of all thank you for sticking around and please take care of your health too! Remember not to push yourself too much; be kind to yourself and know that we all have limits for a reason. Be safe and have a blessed New Years!! ❤️