CODEX Asymmetry

AAAAAAH HI I've been very occupied lately with working on the coverthatI'muploadinglatertoday but before that goes up, I wanted to take a moment at this absolutely incomprehensible hour of 3 AM to give this collab its own post because it deserves the world!!!! 😭💕 A whole dream come true!!!

I've mentioned the group CYPHER here a few times before—while I was participating in the same chorus battle as them... standing outside the restaurant window during their group dinner at AX... (LOL OKAY FOR CLARITY I was also actually invited but had to pass it up for our Gemini group dinner 💗)—I've just genuinely been such a huge fan of them since they first formed for ACB1.

The six vocalist boys have this magical chemistry and it's amazing that they each have different personalities to their voices but they all come together into a charming blend, and they sing with so much emotion that you can't not be drawn into their world. (Some emotional favorites: W, Our Sky) And then they always have the best visuals sdjkfslkd just out of this world... Their artists do gorgeous work and Howl is an animation visionary... And for ACB2, they came back and did self-written original songs for all three rounds which is just insane and they're fucking legit amazing songs 😭 Truly I admire every single one of them to the moon and back.... An extremely skilled collective of people who are also really cool?! I'm definitely privileged to be friends with all of them and to be able to hang out with them in person. They are really such a good group. The pinnacle of both quality and heart. I can't fangirl enough over them, sorry. #HailCypher

yaaaaaaaa sooooooooooooooooooo I think it was back in October or something when I was in a car with Fome and Chiisana, and Fome suddenly asks us if we'd sing in SCB3 with Cypher lol. I was like WHAT I CAN'T DO THAT. WHAT???? NO.... I DON'T KNOW...... and there's just been a whole lot of self-esteem attacking since and working on my singing and my Japanese pronunciation, and I'm honestly still personally not satisfied with how I sound in our entry but I'm extremely glad that I joined them in the end. ;;;; It was super well received and so far no complaints about me!

It's been a lot of fun!! Everyone is lovely and hilarious and our entry is freaking.....my favorite thing ever.............I just love it, I love it, I love it so much, I love it waaaaay too much. T___T 💞 The song is wonderful; the visuals are beautiful and bright and fun and creative and engaging and impeccably polished and also my taste in colors djkdfjs; it's a sweet spectrum of voices full of personality and all masterfully mixed together into a massive dosage of serotonin.

Please enjoy our cover of Yasuda Rei's social media-themed song "Asymmetry" !

✜ Vocals by: Angelica: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRI1... Arianna: https://www.youtube.com/user/AcchanCh... Chiisana: https://www.youtube.com/user/Chiisana... Eva: https://www.youtube.com/waterpixieva Howl: https://youtube.com/c/howru Jae: https://youtube.com/channel/UCNMrzPwk... Kuraicy: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVqO... SquaDus: https://youtube.com/user/SquaDus2007 ✜ Mix by: Fome https://www.youtube.com/fome Critique by Eva and Kuraicy ✜ Movie by: Bakyaan: https://www.youtube.com/user/bakyaan ✜ Art by: Yuki (Character Art): http://yukihomu.deviantart.com/ Chisacha (Staff Art & Props): https://chisacha.deviantart.com

~✨~✨~

And I thought things couldn't get better.....but no.....but no..... Arianna had to go and combine some of my favorite people....with my favorite game..... And drew this adorable piece of us all (staff included!) as Animal Crossing characters, I caaaan't 😭😭😭

Thanks for all the support for CODEX unit~ 💕
Let's add some more cuteness with a really fast Animal Crossing version of us i i did for fun hahaha ✨💖 pic.twitter.com/mSV0Ukm0UH

— 伯爵 Arianna 🌸 CODEX (@Hakushaku_Ari) February 26, 2020

Yuki - Chisacha - Bakyaan - Squadus - Kura - Howl - Arianna - Angelica - Jae - Fome - Eva - Chiisana

Cartoons are good

T_____T This scene from ep 7 of 22/7 (nanabun no nijyuuni) really reminded me of this post of mine ("In All Honesty") that I often reference... This episode hit hard, man. So relatable. An absolute rollercoaster in the most painful, fulfilling way.

~✨~✨~

I might currently be following the most anime I've ever actively followed concurrently in a season? ;v; Most anime doesn't seem to speak to me very much, but this season has a lot that I'm liking!

🔹 If My Favorite Pop Idol Made It to the Budoukan, I Would Die (Oshi ga Budoukan Ittekuretara Shinu) -- I.......LOVE IT. Very, very gay girl idols. Very cute girls. A disastrous fangirl and her many miscommunications with her favorite idol member. Sometimes some problematic stuff, but I'm willing to overlook for how much I enjoy this show—it's hilarious and an absolute must-watch for idol fans who spend too much money for their oshi's. I've rewatched every episode 1-2 times. 😆

🔹 22/7 (nanabun no nijyuuni) -- WOW NOT YOUR TYPICAL IDOL ANIME AT ALL. Gets quite dark. Kind of weird but really interesting and a lot of heart. Instead of a clear plotline, each episode explores the backstory of a different member of the group..! It's insane. Do not have expectations.

🔹 Smile on the Runway (Runway de Waratte) -- Interesting blend of shoujo and shounen genres I think! Initially I thought it was shoujo because it's rather soft and features typically "feminine"-associated subjects: it's about a girl who wants to be a model and a guy who wants to be a fashion designer... but then some parts are paced in a way that make me think, "omg this is like a shokugeki but fashion" LOL. I wasn't too into it for the first 3 episodes but it gets better from 4 onwards when it introduces other characters and focuses more on the fashion design which is the more interesting aspect imo.

🔹 BOFURI: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Max Out My Defense. -- I usually don't care for MMORPG-based anime but I'm surprisingly enjoying this one! Just really wholesome friendships and lighthearted world-exploring. Soft af.

🔹 IDOLiSH7: Second Beat! -- Technically this one shouldn't be on this list because only the 1st episode aired and the rest will continue airing in April (why???)... but whatever, I'm just happy that there's so much good idol anime right now. I really liked season 1 and it's looking like season 2 will be just as good if not better! It's a lot more of a typical idol anime but good story, good boys.

Carved deep into my heart

A quick catch-up post!

OH MY GOSH PARASITE'S GINORMOUS OSCARS SWEEP LAST WEEK!!! My coworkers forced me to watch that movie a few weeks ago—which I was interested in watching except I'm the most fragile scaredy-cat so it was nice to see it in a lit room full of people who had already watched it :'D... God, it is such a masterpiece. Blows my mind. It really deserves all the accolades so I'm happy that it's being recognized on this level T__T!!

Vídeography has been on my mind lately because of the MV that I directed last month and learning that I enjoy storyboards and shot lists and would like to improve at cínematography and coming up with interesting framing..... Parasite was just so inspiring on everyyyyy level—from the writing to the symbolism to the shot compositions to the blocking to the tasty visual storytelling—just everything. 👌👌👌 And since I just recently had my first experience as a director, I couldn't help but pay extra attention to Bong Joon Ho and his awesome storyboards and learning about his perspective and intentions. It was easy to fall in love with his hilariously lax, humble personality and his incredible interpreter Sharon Choi... I love her...... This tweet sums it up. I can't stop watching videos of her precisely multilingual, sharp hilarious brilliance and have optimistically high hopes for her as a fílmmaker!!! I feel like she could probably write comedy and I'd probably die laughing every 20 seconds...

Anyway, the reason I wanted to write about this was because of Bong Joon Ho's speech when he won Best Directing. I love it for a lot of reasons—the heartfelt shout outs to the other directors, giving credit to who and what inspired him, joking about sawing the trophy into pieces, Sharon Choi being a delight as always, their chemistry together, the "THANK YOU, I WILL DRINK UNTIL NEXT MORNING" LMAO.

But most of all!!! It hit me really hard when he quoted Scorsese's words: "The most personal is the most creative."

Because it reminded me of the post that I wrote a few months ago when I was stressed about the MV, called "directional failure." It makes me feel....validated? I was worried about it and I still think that I need tougher skin, but I think I was right to have this kind of belief and for wanting to embed a fragment of my personality into my work. And like perhaps I have something in common with Bong Joon Ho?

It almost feels like he was speaking directly to me. Really so inspiring. And honestly I had so much anxiety and fear after the MV shoot that it feels like it's helping me heal from it and be a little bit proud that I tried to be a director once. ;u;

~✨~✨~

So like I spent a full week totally incapacitated by a horrible stomach virus LOLOLOL. It started while I was staying at Fome's place an hour away and I felt so sick that he had to drive me home in my car and take public transportation back—bless his sweet soul 😭... I had to miss out on probably my only chance to ever see SuperM live... Everyday I gave my bosses the same update of "My symptoms are too terrible for me to come into the office today, but I'll do my best to hopefully come in tomorrow!" over and over and over... Absolutely shitty experience, would not recommend LOL. You'd think that spending a week at home would at least allow me to work on mixing or consume a lot of entertainment BUT NO....NO FUN OR PRODUCTIVITY; JUST HEADACHES AND PAIN AND BATHROOM AND BED ONLY.

Anyway, FINALLY now 15 days after it first started I can say that I think I'm 100% recovered! And ever since I began being able to function again, things have been really great!! To make up for frustratingly lost productivity, I decided that unless I'm spending time with friends, I'll be spending at least 1-2 hours mixing or recording everyday. I'm doing it pretty healthily too so far as I still leave time to sleep and watch anime (YO IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE BEEN SO INVESTED IN SO MUCH ANIME... I LOVE THIS SEASON ^u^) and I just spent 2 days of quality time with friends doing really fun things and feeling like I'm being myself and happy.

PS: Also watched Sonic and Birds of Prey in the past few days and while they were not masterpieces, they were little exploding sacks of fun and both offered a lot of creativity—the former in its quippy writing, and the latter in its action and set design!

Between the Screens

With the music video and the health scare (which turned out to apparently be nothing other than lack of exercise? so been easing back into practicing K/DA dance ✌) it has been quite the year of 2020 already for me........................ The hell. LOL.

[Edit: speaking of health scares, I started writing this before the heartbreaking coronavírus outbreak.. ;;; everyone please take care and stay healthy!]

SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMSSSSSSS there'sbeensomuchpressureit'sbeencrazy

So the music video idea was born out of my bosses wanting to challenge me with the experience of directing a project for the first time—but "low pressure" since it wouldn't be a client project. It could've just been a small thing, for example a "how to make a cocktail" video was a contender—until one of my bosses was like OR CONSIDER......PH0EN1X 4SH MUS1C V1DEO................IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO WORK ON A MUSIC VIDEO...................... and I thought about it for a day and was like... y'know what, same. I was frightened as heck about doing it but that was the project I chose knowing that it would bring the most fulfillment to all of us.

And then it all grew out of control LOL. Initially we imagined it'd be a pretty scrappy low-budget project, that with just 5 or 6 of us, we'd make it work and it'd be a hands-on learning experience for the whole team. Then we secured an amazing [expensive] location... And our cínematographer got his new, shiny cínema camera that's worth more than his life savings... So everything demanded more, bigger, better, prettier, higher quality, everything that this shoot now deserved. My bosses allowed us to put more budget into this, we expanded the crew to 17 people(!!), and it became the most legitimate production that I've ever been on.

Stepper - A Path To You

【オリジナルMV】 Stepper - A Path To You (English Cover) 【8人合唱】

YAYY I was looking forward to this chorus and it's finally out in the world in all its delightfully uplifting glory! Angela and Jefferz organized this and I believe it might be my first time singing translyrics? Probably? Can't remember for sure. I love the energy in this—I've been looping it a lot and it's a collab full of people that I admire! 💓

"Everything's all right! Some days I'll just feel down.

All right! Happy days will be around!"

(Hoping that this year, even more collabs that I'm in will be released 🤞)

💖💖💖 Hoping to get back into casual blogging habits, even if I have nothing significant to say!! I spent waaay too much time last month writing my decade letter to myself, rereading a ton of old posts to get a more accurate sense of my growth, proofreading, rewriting til it felt right, trimming down when it got too long, checking it over and over to make sure the formatting was okay and I was comfortable with publicly posting all of that....... I'm a little burnt out from all the serious bzns blogging looool so I'm going to take my time with reviewing my resolutions and coming up with my 100 for this year!

I keep lying.... I don't even remember how long it's been since I started asserting, "My next solo cover venture will definitely be K/DA!!!" but yeah.. The last time I cut the queue was because of Fruits Basket which was reminiscent of the first cover I ever posted on youtube; and this time it's because Frozen is the one movie that I seem to resonate the most with and I'm also loving Frozen 2 and all the themes of isolation and embracing one's true self and letting down your fortress walls hit hard 😭 I was hoping that Frozen 2 wouldn't have any songs that I'd want to sing, but honestly I knew it from the moment I heard Elsa's new climactic song Show Yourself....

It's been a long time since I've done a multi-language cover so I wanted to try bringing that back!! I started recording it last week—after I came home one day at midnight because I was so embarrassed by my shaky performance at karaoke with friends that night, I wanted to record a revenge cover lololol. I keep fluctuating between being proud of my singing in this to wishing I were a stronger singer, idk... I miss when I used to be able to quickly record and finish covers!! Nowadays it takes way too long and I keep being dissatisfied with my takes! Also really painfully aware of how bad my pronunciation is in, like, every language aaaa. I either haven't had the time or haven't felt like singing for the past few days so I just keep feeling like, damn, I'm never gonna finish this cover.. Was hoping it'd be a quick one because I have a lot of other things to focus on this month. 😭

Like the music video! Been spending the past few [long] nights working on the storyboard and I'm pretty proud of it! Glad to have made progress there at least ;v;

A Letter to Myself Throughout the Decade 💌

[ CW: non-consequential suicidal ideology ]

To the me from ten years ago... hello!!

Writing this is 26-year-old Eva who has been working in video production for 4 years now and is still blogging, doing online karaoke, and many of the things you already loved in your time! And I have some pretty exciting news. :>

Sixteen-year-old junior in high school, huh? I imagine this must have been the time when I felt the most pressure about figuring out my future; yet having absolutely no idea, no real ambitions, no pull of direction in the slightest, not even the expectation of staying alive for too much longer...
Well good news! I not only survived—this Eva is now living strong, and she's not who you would've ever expected to become.

Corgi-kun pt. 2 💞

Helloooo! It's 2 AM on a work-night but I really needed to write this post. For the past three weeks, a delightful doggo whom I call Corgi-kun has been staying at my family's house and today he returned to his owners................. and somehow I cried for hours and hours and hours? I'm definitely more attached than I'd intended to be, but I didn't expect to be nearly that affected. I don't know what's come over me but my heart was broken, my soul feels restless, and I think this post will help soothe a lot of it. Generally I'm doing well though! 💓

Thankfully I'll still see him around!! He belongs to my mom's neighborhood friend—and my mom actually goes over to help walk him every afternoon—so on the days when I'm home (which is honestly....not super often) I'll likely see him! So missing him is not necessarily why I was so broken today @@...

I briefly touched on it in my last post but he brought along a disruptive lifestyle change that was strange for sure at first but not entirely unwelcome? My parents and I all live fairly isolated lives—really this whole experience just emphasized to me how isolated I've always been. When I'm home, I'm not used to interacting with anyone, or spending time with anyone, or emotionally connecting with anyone, or accommodating anyone in the things that I do. ;; I realized a couple years ago that the unconditional love, companionship, and responsibility of a pet probably would've helped me a lot as I was growing up..

So I made it a point to try to not get used to this new lifestyle, not let me or Corgi-kun become too attached to each other—and I was able to maintain some distance for the first maybe 5 days and then it all started wildly unraveling..... Parents initially didn't want him in my room, but I started letting him in. It started becoming a bit of a routine that I would come home from work [recently very late orz], be happily greeted at the door, feel increasingly more guilty for being gone all day so I'd give him a good petting session, he'd follow me to my room and try to steal my attention, oftentimes I'd give in to those puppy dog eyes, and then he'd fall asleep on his side in my room in the little remaining time I had to do my own things. 🥺 I started buying him toys and he'd always beg to play... It was comforting that he'd always look for me and that I had the power to bring joy to another creature. 💗 I'd sing to him and eventually started saying stupid shit like, "Don't go home! I lub you!!! Be my dog!!"

I'm a fool...... When I came home today, no one greeted me or had been looking forward to my presence. The house had gone back to its empty, quiet, dark state that it had always been in. He really brought a lot of openness, affection, comfort, and smiles to my and my parents' lives that I haven't seen before. It was nice to have something to bond with my parents over; we all became super fucking enamored with this dog. It was cute to see how my parents would light up around him ;u; even if it meant they smile and talk 100x more with him than they do with me--- dsjkajsdsd I hope we can continue fostering a bit of this open, positive energy rather than shrinking back into our shells.

Also worried about how Corgi-kun is doing.. My mom and I both agree that we gave him quite the carefree, happy life here compared to how his owners treat him unfortunately. ;;; They're unreasonably strict and mean and manipulative to him... They don't really pet him much or actively play with him—and I know he gets social withdrawal since he tends to be clingier and sometimes even grumpy on the days after my friends come play with him. I hope he's doing okay and not too sad T___T Poor baby deserves better. It's nice that I worked from home this week/had Christmas off so I was able to spend a lot of time with him in the end, yet I feel bad that he probably became overly used to the attention and affection too...

On the bright side, it'll be nice to get a bit of personal time and independence back! Recording was something I had to largely forego while he was here. ^^;; And honestly I had a bit of a hard time coping with the whole "your pet may be a small part of your life but you are their entire life" thing—luckily I was only 1/3rd of his life, but still. Poor baby must have thought that his owners had abandoned him, so I felt terrible to be gone for most of the day and I always felt pressured to act cheerful and as attentive as possible for him even when I was exhausted. Conflicted feelings... It was a fun time.

I kept meaning to update my previous post but never did, so here's another giant spillage of corgi photos and videos. :'D

CORGI-KUN 💞

The past few days sort of feel like someone took my Life Book, ripped a few pages out, and abruptly inserted a chapter from an alternate universe LOL.

My mom has a neighborhood friend (albeit still a ~10 minute walk away) who has the most darling little corgi! He only has a Chinese name—which was apparently derived from a Japanese name but I don't know it—so when referring to him in text I've been calling him Corgi-kun for simplicity hehe. Over the past year, my mom has been enjoying her early retirement by going on walks with them often and I've tagged along a handful of times when I could! Now his humans have been out of the country for an over-a-month-long trip and the only arrangement they made was for their next door neighbor to feed him and let him out for bathroom breaks. 😭 Poor baby was so miserable that my mom started going over there to take care of him every afternoon for about three weeks... Sometimes she'd bring him back to our house to chill on the porch as he initially wasn't allowed inside.

But now as of 4 days ago ❗❗ Corgi-kun is staying at our house ❗❗❗❗ until his owners are back on Christmas, which in a sick twist of fate is the most ironic day to have to part from a puppy.

Wow!!!!!! My (not really my) first ever real [temporary] pet that's not a goldfish!!!!!
(or the turtle i briefly had which my grandpa thought was poisonous and let go of while i was away at kindergarten lmao)

My entire life I dreamed of having a dog but my parents would never allow it—and that's how I ended up with a large collection of doggy stuffed animals and they were honestly some of my best friends as a kid. It's really not an overexaggeration to say that I grew up pretty isolated and without much knowledge of the world... My lack of real life experience with dogs is so sad that I had to call in Chiisana (my hero 💕) to come over and help with giving Corgi-kun a veeeery much needed, long-awaited bath. Hooooooo-weee. I'm so happy now that I can pet him without having to immediately wash off the thick layer of chalk on my hands before I can proceed with the rest of my life. 8D;;

And then to make the entire situation even weirder: we had no power in our neighborhood for three days lmao; I was so torn. I absolutely felt terrible inviting Chiisa and our other friend to my dark, cold house but it was the only available time without delaying the bath by a few days...... So it was me, Corgi-kun, Chiisana, her dog Bradley (whom she brought over so that both dogs could learn to socialize), and our friend...... and a flashlight......... in my small bathroom together with no ventilation or ability to blow dry. ☠️ It was a fun kind of chaos though! For me, at least. Bless the others for hard carrying..!!

[ he sleeps on his side?! ]

Since our time together is limited, I've been taking a lot of videos to immortalize these memories. ;^; But also trying not to get overly attached while still enjoying my time with him and letting him feel loved. I hate that this is setting us both up for inevitable heartbreak. It has been strange but somewhat comforting that he'll follow me around no matter what; he'll stay in my company and just sleep on the floor in my room when I'm done playing with him and need to do my own things... It warms my heart in a way but also I really don't want to get too used to this. It's a presence I've never had before and will not have anymore very soon.

Now, you, me, and everything feels like a lie... 🎶 Is it a dream? 💞

So in October, it was announced that my favorite k-pop group Lovelyz would be coming to LA for a concert in November! Somehow, both times they've ever had activities in America have been this year in LA..... and both times, the concerts were announced a cruel mere month prior. ToT Initially I was like, "WHAT I probably shouldn't yolo down to LA again for a concert," for maybe like...10 minutes before it became, "But why not?" As a member of their relatively small western fanbase, I'd definitely regret not being there to support my girls 💪! Y-you can always make money back anyway right? o(-(

Luckily it turned out to be a pretty wallet-friendly trip. ^^ The concert, which also featured JBJ95 and Heize, for whatever reason was free to attend?! I went with my friend Tiffany—who's my only irl Lovelinus friend—and also Myst who was heading to LA for her own playtime, so we made a roadtrip down together and shared a motel. It was a fun little weekend trip with good music, good food, and good friends!

As I mentioned, I've only ever known one person irl who's a Lovelyz fan, aside from Chiisana who likes them but isn't necessarily a Lovelinus. Even given that, Tiffany and I had never actually attended a concert together before. But on this trip I was introduced to two more wonderful friends who are Lovelinuses!!!! It was sooooo much fun and so refreshing to be around them and talk about our girls and for everyone to be on the same page without explanations and just being able to share our excitement and practice fanchants together! 💓

Thanks to these friends kindly waiting in line early—and no monetary restrictions—we were luckily able to have some amazing seats! Honestly so grateful; I owe them my life. The poor folks all the way in the back probably saw nothing as there were no cameras/screens.. But we were able to see the performers' expressions, so therefore they must've been able to see ours too! 🥰

And the moment I realized this...... that Lovelyz could see me, that I was now an existence known to my beloved idols that I'd only ever in these past 5 years been able to admire from afar, that my actions and support might really be felt by them directly, that I had the power to help them feel loved by their fans and give back to how much strength they've given us, that I was truly in that moment a representative of their American fanbase.......... I almost cried while they were performing.

It was a small concert with only 3 acts, but because of that we were treated to a long set with SIX WHOLE SONGS!! 😭 What an amazing experience....

One of the things I love the most about Lovelyz is that their title discography tells a whole story. It's brilliant and it's been so incredible to watch this beautifully thoughtful music project unfold.

Candy Jelly Love --- Crush
Hi~ --- Confession
Ah-Choo --- Friendzoned
Destiny --- Jealousy
WoW! --- Distance
Now, We --- FINALLY A MUTUAL LOVE!!!
Twinkle --- Exploring the relationship
That Day --- Break-up
Lost N Found --- Loneliness
Beautiful Days --- Reminiscence

26.6

OOOOOOPS.... It's a personal tradition of mine to post a mirror selfie with this shirt every year for my birthday, except I always forget to do it around the time of my birthday on May 2nd.... This is a record worst—7 months late!!! I'm closer to my next birthday than the last one!! I've already changed a lot since May!!! LOL. It honestly surprised me to see such a big stylistic jump from last year's post to now.

I'm now 26 (and a half), still not really a competent adult, but I don't let it bother me as much these days looool. I'm just doing what I can.

So grateful to my "fairy godmother" for introducing me to clip-on earrings because they were absolutely the Low-Effort Big-Glow-Up accessory I've been looking for ✨ Such a simple but striking visual upgrade; I love it! It's been really fun to alter my look with different earrings and doing some crafty work by making my own. Feels like the possibilities are endless and I look forward to exploring them 💞

And then this became a selfie dump post, sorry. I really like earrings now. My life is forever changed.

WE GIANTS

and in today's predictable news, i learned Soyeon's verse!!! ugh her raps are always so fun #truedamage #giants #oneshot pic.twitter.com/6DGHiFkK4K

— Eva @ DREAM✦SCAPE // Gemini (@waterpixieva) November 12, 2019

:D........ I learned this the day after the song came out.
Last year I also did a quick "POP/STARS" Soyeon verse oneshot cover which I tried to revisit but I simply cannot bear to watch or listen to any of it anymore; I cringe so much... Guess that means I must've improved at rapping in the past year without even realizing it?!!

directional failure

To be enough

Hi! Feels like it's been forever since I last blogged. I've been overwhelmed with work which doesn't leave much to blog about... And then I sort of wanted to write something after Sulli's death but didn't think I could write a post worthy of properly honoring her. Bless her beautiful, brave soul and may her next world treat her better. ❤️ I miss her.

So work things.. I got a raise and lots of kind words from my bosses last week! And then just spent a week on an intense, exhausting, albeit inspiring business trip working on another science fair video. Super proud of those kids and I even made friends with this really sweet, smart, charismatic girl who kept calling me beautiful, I'm soft 🥺🥺 At the end, she won a $10,000 prize so during her interview I got to tell her I was proud of her (also told her mom that she has a wonderful daughter!) and she gave me a hug. 💞 This time I not only did all of the editing, I also was the boom operator on some of the interviews AND—this is a first!—I shot a bit of the footage myself!! Just for a few hours when our main camera person had tons of other things to shoot. It was.....a lot. I'm not that happy with the video but I suppose it was the best I could do in those circumstances. Over 4 days, I worked for 49 hours and didn't sleep nearly enough 😭 so as soon as I walked through the front door upon coming home, I immediately laid down on the floor LOL. So...non-functional.....

Here's me after working until 7 AM, sleeping for 4 hours, making client changes and madly editing for another 4 hours to make my final deadline, helping my coworker instead of napping, and immediately having to get ready for the fancy dinner ceremony where my video was played.

On the plane, I watched Toy Story 4 and very unexpectedly found myself strongly relating to Woody... We're both stubbornly loyal, don't like change, and have a complex about needing to feel useful. And we will sacrifice ourselves for the sake of these things. :c That last one especially is a problem, is the cause of workaholic behavior, and can be a confidence-killer for no good reason when you feel like you're not useful enough in a certain aspect—even if you're doing swell in other aspects. Idk, I've been feeling kind of down about myself for some reason and want to remind myself that I am enough, I am worthy, I don't have to be responsible for everything (honestly lately been feeling a little crushed under the pressure of feeling responsible for everything and everyone ^^;;), I don't need to be particularly good at anything, I don't have to keep proving myself to others, I am special and wanted. Dammit.