in which I am overwhelmingly self-absorbed

I think I just come here to ramble and let my mind loose when I don't feel like doing things I should be doing (i.e. studying for tomorrow's midterm WOOPS but I'm actually doing it dw) and don't want to tweet.

Kind of random but just something I was thinking about. Probably triggered by Sonny's recent blog move haha.

It is pretty silly that I took my move from my wordpress to here so seriously, with my sappy goodbyes and too obvious attachment to inanimate .. cyber.. sites of binary code or some shit. Looking back, I magnified the transition into some huge ordeal as if it were life-changing for me. All so unnecessary LOL. EVERYBODY PROBABLY SIDE-EYED ME. I WOULD TOO TBH.

But after some thinking, I can somewhat understand why I felt the way I did--because I was letting go of past expectations for me and the image with which a lot of people that knew me online perceived me. Kind of like I burned the old Eva and unleashed the inner-lying beast instead hahaha. I did grow/change and my online presence couldn't keep up with me.

It makes me really glad that I can still be in touch with some of those with whom I grew up online--although many I fell out of touch with. I won't specify names, but I used to belong to a circle of online friends that were really important to me at one point of my life.

Maybe it was because we focused on dubbing Hello! Project and a lot of us dreamed of becoming idols one day ourselves, and those that took notice of us on the internet started expecting us to act idol-like. There was this pressing feeling to be a sweet, cute, easygoing, feminine, kindhearted, but cheery type of girl all day, all the time?

And a lot of my friends really were idol-like! ;v; Seriously, they're some of the nicest people I've known and they are so gorgeous and talented and naturally adorable. I see some of them now and they've grown up beautifully; I still find them to be admirably kindhearted, amiable, and sweet. One now is even chasing her dreams of becoming a schoolteacher, which I think she will be perfect for~<3

But I was the only one that didn't turn out that way at all.
And I feel embarrassed about it. Because I know some of them can still see me now and they all came out to be so pure and bubbly, and I ..... ._. heh.
I really don't want them to see me now. =_= Not to say that I'm a total bitch but uh. okay yeah I'm kind of 80% bitch at least. with a sarcastic li'l cherry on top. dollop of sadism on the side and little sprinkles of dumbemofeels, whininess, pessimism, and hatred towards the world.

The main point, I guess, is that I actually feel really bad because I'm not a sweet person. Is that weird? (Yes, yes it is, idiot.) Like I know there were those kinds of expectations and I flipped them off and ran my own direction instead.

Although I know it's right that I ultimately resolved to stay true to myself (the only option really unless you're as fake as the fucking Loch Ness Monster), I feel really guilty. It is kind of a scary feeling though to know that there are eyes on you. ^^;; I just wonder if people from my past can accept this kind of Eva.

I'm reminded of this though omg