Swings

Incoming unorganized, rambly post. ;v; I was thinking yesterday about how nice it would be to be an outgoing person. Then I took a step back and was like, "Hm... But do I have the right to wish for something that I have control of and can change for myself?" Most of the time, I look at the things I complain about and realize that it's probably my own fault that they are so. But at the same time, it's hard to say that we have complete control over some things. I think personality and mindsets are things you can change over time with the steady pressure of will. However, a lot of aspects of our beliefs and behavior can be argued as being ingrained within us as a result of upbringing or lifelong habit. Ultimately, our current identities are comprised of what we've carried on from past experiences.

I've written before on the Imagination and Play (Child and Adolescent Development) course I took 2 years ago, which I found fascinating as it related childhood and imagination with adult behavior. ......JUST KIDDING I thought I wrote about it before but I guess that might've been on my personal blog. But while looking for what I thought I had written, I found this post, which I'm still really touched by asdlkfjs ;_____;

Anyway, moving on from that tangent HAHA. I do think childhood is important in shaping a person. And if not childhood, then there's almost always probably a reason for a person to think or act a certain way. (This leads to 98% of the overthinking that I so often and obnoxiously do.) And this is also why I can't stand bad parenting and stress the importance of it. Even the tiniest things you do can have a great impact on your child, and you can possibly change their entire life just by teaching them a certain thing or signing them up for an activity. There's so much influence and power held that's too often ignored or abused.

In any case, I started wondering if I would be a more outgoing person today had my parents encouraged me to play with other kids in my youth. Maybe if they taught me early on that socializing is okay and easy, that being around others is okay, that sharing a space with others is okay, that being seen by others is okay, that I don't need to be afraid of or dislike others. I refused to play on playgrounds when there was a single other kid playing there, and my parents let me have my way.

And so, I like playing on the swings. Because even in the case that there are others around, you don't have to play with them. You can play by yourself, and it's totally fine and enjoyable. Nobody will notice you, call you a loser, or think that you're not swinging well enough.
I guess I never knew how much of my current personality reflects my lifelong preference of swings. In a way, I'm competitive, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm competitive in the way that I want to do well and hold my own against others, but I don't want to explicitly go up against or beat others. And it's nice because on swings, you can do your best and try to swing as hard as you can, and soar higher than your peers. But it's no kickball or game of tag where there's a winning team, a losing team, or a clearly faster runner. So I really like taking exams. And I like doing well on them and aiming to be the top scorer in my class. (I have a good record of this hehe~ /shot forever) But I will make cowardly excuses to not participate in multiplayer games--especially ones where all of the attention and pressure is on you during your turn.