In the Dark

I'm usually that person in class that's left without--I guess--a social niche.

I've established several times on this blog that I hate school. It's really not just the amount of schoolwork bogging me down when so much of my time is already consumed by work and online responsibilities, and the fact that I'm still unsure as fuck about the future and have a shaky mentality towards career paths. Honestly, I never feel as though I belong and I'm unable to make friends. In short: I feel like a loser and as though I'm socially inept.

Every time I go to school, I'm walking in there with trembling fear, paranoia, and self consciousness that I'm going to be hated--because there actually have been some signs that point to the potential of this. :/ Including being ignored when I speak and just a general rude attitude/lack of common courtesy towards me, spiked with short replies and a blank glare.

In any case, this rant is about my Argumentation and Advocacy class, which is basically public speech and debate. I'm going to be harshly truthful because I doubt anybody in that class takes enough interest in me to actively search me out and discover this blog.

In this particular class, I'm currently stuck in a pit. Not to try to feign superiority or be arrogant (lol who am I kidding; I'm pretty arrogant especially in this passage).. but I really dislike the people I currently have to work with for group activities, because IN REGARDS TO PARTICIPATING IN THIS CLASS, they are--in some sense or another--useless. .__. I'm not one to take initiative, and especially with strangers, I'm timid and pathetic. But FUCK, when a group of people are so silent, so incompetent, so unparticipative, so careless, so uncooperative, so uncommunicative, and fail so hard to contribute that /I/ have to step up and be the leader that is the ONLY person putting in an effort, the only person speaking for everyone, and the only one that cares? LIKE SERIOUSLY, SPEAK THE FUCK UP AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP A LITTLE. YOUR ANNOYING ASS IS HEAVY AND I CANNOT AND DO NOT WANT TO CARRY YOUR GODDAMN WEIGHT BY MY RAGING, UNFORGIVING LONESOME.

And yet I can't stop having to associate with them. Because they're like me: people who don't have friends, who aren't wanted by the rest of the class, who are left partnerless when asked to find a partner, who simply don't belong. And so, we were clumped together not by our own choice.

Let me tell you this--I was really happy last Friday after a long spell of misery. I was bursting with joy to the point of being obnoxiously happy. This was due in part because it was finally Friday, I'd just finished a week of 3 midterms and a speech, and it meant I could finally rest + catch up on sleep.
But one tiny, minuscule, insignificant incident caused me to beam even brighter.
As my Argumentation and Advocacy class ended, I was stepping out of the classroom and about to make my way by myself to my car and go home, when I was suddenly stopped by a female classmate. "Do you have a group for the debate?" she asked even though I doubt she even knew my name. Turns out that she'd just asked 2 other people, and eyed me down to be the fourth and final member of her debate group. I obviously didn't have a group and so very readily agreed to join them, as the four of us established that we would discuss contact details during the next class meeting (today).

While I felt bad for leaving behind those that I usually work with, I WAS ALSO ECSTATIC BECAUSE I FINALLY GET TO LEAVE BEHIND THOSE THAT I USUALLY WORK WITH. :D

I guess I'm just a superficial person, but little things make me REALLY happy. And this little thing might not have meant anything to that girl. It might not have meant anything to any of the members of the group. But it made my day because IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE WANTED. It feels so good to be noticed! Somebody actually KNOWS me and wants me to work with them and I actually felt like a part of something and I felt useful and competent and oh maaaaan it made me happy.
It was as if a hand was reached out to me--to the me that's been drowning in a pit of darkness.

Today, we were asked to form our debate groups in Argumentation and Advocacy.
I don't know if they forgot.
Or just simply changed their minds.

But all of them made their own new groups.
I really did not want to work with the people that I usually work with again. I wanted to escape because working with them brings me nothing but frustration. Even the other members seemed to not want to work together anymore, because even they know that we have no chemistry. But everyone else in the class happily finished forming groups. And we had none. So now we're a debate group, because we have no choice.
And I feel like this hand that reached out to me before threw me away back into the dark.


This really isn't a big deal and I'm aware that I'm being overdramatic, but seeing this symbolically, I'm rather affected and just needed to let out some steam. Apologies for the negativity.