Muted Tears

LeeSSang (ft The Seeya's Yoojin) - Tears

Been addicted to this song. ;u;<3



I just got back from the doctor's and am leaving for class in an hour.
Although my throat's been bothering me for.. maybe 4(?) years, I never entirely seriously confronted this issue, and wrote it off as normal/something that would go away/a punishment I accept for having forced myself so hard to record lines even when it hurt.

I'm kind of hoping that it's acid reflux, but just in case, I'm going to get examined soon for nose/throat cancer.
;;

My doctor said she didn't feel any tumors or lymph nodes so I'm hoping that it's not cancer, but the fact that it's a possibility, that it's reached this point now--it's overwhelming. For years, I've had a reoccurring daydream/fear of announcing that I have throat cancer and crying, and I'm so frightened that the scene will leap from my paranoid imagination into reality.

But yeah... it's been hard singing these past few years. I've become increasingly inactive when it comes to participating in singing projects, but especially in uploading solos. While I have the mindset to be productive, I use the excuse that I don't have time to record; and that's only half truthful. I technically could record after my parents sleep >_> (even if I'm afraid of being heard) but soreness prevents me from getting anything done. It's regretful. I want to get some more covers finished.

And it's also a large contributor to my problems with socializing. It's half because I'm socially stupid, awkward, stutter, have a slight lisp, have a slow thought process, can't hold conversations, and hate others hearing me speak. And half because speaking is painful, because my voice cracks and breaks in the middle of sentences, because my voice goes hoarse, because it's embarrassing.
Whether it's with my parents, at school, in skype calls, I started sticking to just few-word responses. ;w;

Honestly, I wouldn't mind going mute because speaking aloud is my worst nightmare... but I just wish I didn't love singing so much. It saddens me because I have no passions other than singing, but that might be taken away from me.

Anyway, hwaiting for today ! ;^;)9 All will work out.