Just wanted to jot down a bit about something that's been on my mind often. :D I had a pretty lengthy and interesting conversation with Yano and Kazou today about this, and I'm glad I did because it's reassuring that there are others that think the exact same way I do.
Maybe it's because I started becoming surrounded by people who desire great things: become a rock star, be a successful freelance composer, work for a big famous company, pick up and relocate, travel the world, and of course everyone I remember who aims to be a surgeon, gynecologist, a glorious lawyer for justice. There's nothing wrong with that! They do what they want!! But with exposure to that, constant external pressure to become something and decide on my path, and recently seeing into how almost everyone in my major has been actively working on films or radio to pursue their very special goal, I started wondering if there's something wrong with me. Because I have no dreams for the future.
Or so I really thought for years. But I think it's okay if your dream is to be happy and making a decently humble living. It's okay if your dream is to work a small-title job that you don't dread and that feeds you, while enriching other aspects of your life. It's okay to not have a big dream, to not want to be anything extraordinary, to take things step by step, to be content with your life! I'm actually very happy with my life right now and that's a great thing.
But in such a competitive environment where all that most family, coworkers, classmates, and acquaintances care about is when you're going to graduate and what your career plan is for the future, it's hard to not feel anxious or incompetent. University starts again later this month and that frightens me beyond the usual anxiety about attending school and being around other university students. I dipped my foot into the world of film last semester (and somehow won the sound design award for my first film, holy shit?!) and I see how serious and passionate the filmmaker-aspiring students are about their craft. And if not that, then they're managing the school's radio station or doing internships related to media.
When I go back, what can I say I've done this summer?
I worked dedicatedly hard on a cosplay, felt totally accomplished on its completion, was praised for its execution while proudly wearing it at a con. Took a break to catch up on sleep and indulge in relaxing things I like. Spent time recording and mixing for upcoming projects. Made money by working 20-25 hours a week and gained confidence in being capable in a field I've never been interested in. Started to exercise daily and am improving on my endurance and physical strength, and am actually enjoying/wanting to move despite 21 years of hating physical movement. Started working on next year's cosplay which we're excited to do a group for. Spent a lot of quality time with friends and felt like I'm building close and meaningful friendships. Been true to myself. Felt like I'm growing as a person and breaking more out of my shell. Was very happy with life in general.
Instead of that, what would people hear? Oh, Eva worked on no films or productions and has furthered herself in no way in the pursuit of a career. It's okay that that's important to them. But to me, all of the things I've done or plan to do this summer are just as important.
One of the things we discussed was how people say that you should aim high so that if you fall, you'll still be able to land yourself a formidable height. I can understand that, but it's not for me because my values and desires are different? We were talking about how if you're aiming so much for that shiny goal, oftentimes you miss out on or don't appreciate the steps in between. (I see it happening around me when people are dissatisfied that they're not successful yet, even though I think it's still possible to feel satisfied with the little achievements while journeying.) Or if you focus so much on reaching that one thing, you miss this path and that path and oh, that other path over there.
In that last case, we were referring more to having a specific, concrete goal.. but then again, most big dreamers I think wouldn't settle for an ambiguous one. After all, it's with specialization--a small surface area--that one can apply more of a push. And yet, I personally can't agree with wanting to sprint my entire life through a tube at the end of which is a narrow, little slit. To me, that's what it sounds like. Realistically, we can't control what opportunities we'll have in the future as much as we want to try. I'm sure those with real passion for what they're running towards could be able to put in the extra effort to earn themselves the job they want, but that kind of sacrifice might not be something I'm willing to expend. Realistically, a lot of people end up getting jobs or building careers in fields completely unrelated to the degrees they have. What matters is that you have a diploma, that you're competent in what you're applying for, and hardworking enough to keep the job.
So maybe I don't know what I want to do yet. So maybe I'm okay with learning everything that I can about a variety of things for now, and going after whatever opportunities later. So maybe I don't desire for much, don't want to be anyone famous, am completely happy in Norcal and in the house I'm living in (I already pay rent but willing to pay more later), happy with the job I have even if it's unrelated to my major, and want to "waste" time bonding with friends that feel like the icing on top.
If only I liked icing.
Fuwa Fuwa Time
Pre-AX and post-AX life is so different IT'S HILARIOUS AND WONDERFUL WAHAHAHA. Other than the days I have work, I literally just get out of bed between 2 to 5 PM and laze around, watch dramas, chat with friends, laze around some more with friends, play mobile games on my iPad that I'm getting a little addicted to (oops), and sing because I want to!
Throwback because back in 2009, Chiisana and I did 2 duet versions of this song, with me supporting her Yui with my Mio, and her supporting my Mio with her Yui. :'D
But yeah, I think I just need to recharge for a bit more and then I'm .. actually.. a little too okay with starting on next year's cosplays soon already..... It's a little frightening.... LOL Deep down, a workaholic in the making. orz I'm totally enjoying this chill downtime, but I don't think I can stand personally feeling obsolete for too long? Idk, just me!
Though I'm finding myself in a weird slump in which I have the time to record and I have the desire to sing AND will to put effort into a cover.... but there's nothing I want to sing?! Nothing's calling out to me. There's that spark of inspiration that's missing, and it's this spark that most don't necessarily need these days because chorus battles dictate your activity whether you're passionate about it or not, but it's this spark that I find magical and organic. I think it's why I've become pretty picky about what goes up on my youtube channel (because really, I could upload anything or even nonserious short covers) because when I look through my recent videos, there are things like Tonight and Answer that make me go: Wow! This is something I actually really wanted and was motivated to do and put lots of effort into!
I do actually wanna upload a cover this summer so I'm on the quest for a song that'll motivate me. xD Maybe something new will be released in K-pop with an instrumental that I'll love and want to sing or rap?! Hopefully?!
Anyway, I started tiding over my craving for singing by revisiting old anime songs because those are fun unless they're just really out of my range... I'm enjoying it though since I only recently got back into the groove for watching anime after AX ahahah. (Except moe still annoys me and overly nonsensical things still annoy me, even more so than kdrama angsty makjang bullshit.)
I ended up uploading my one shot of Fuwa Fuwa Time (from K-On!) because using this kind of voice is super fun. =3= It's hard to find the right song for me ehehh.
Throwback because back in 2009, Chiisana and I did 2 duet versions of this song, with me supporting her Yui with my Mio, and her supporting my Mio with her Yui. :'D
But yeah, I think I just need to recharge for a bit more and then I'm .. actually.. a little too okay with starting on next year's cosplays soon already..... It's a little frightening.... LOL Deep down, a workaholic in the making. orz I'm totally enjoying this chill downtime, but I don't think I can stand personally feeling obsolete for too long? Idk, just me!
AX2014
Hi, blog! It's really been a while since I've sat down to post here without it having been... that one hour I waited in the salon for my haircut LOOOOL.
Unfortunately, I broke tradition and didn't vlog this year's AX trip D: but I don't regret it. This year was so busy and hectic and other times uneventful or frustrating. As a bonus, I was one of the hotel room holders so I took it upon myself to try to make sure I was on top of everything and could take responsibility for everything so at all times, I had something or another on my mind ;; AND there was cosplay... If I had decided to vlog, I would've been too overwhelmed and it would've been forced, holding out a camera and talking to it. I can't say that the entire trip was a pleasant time. To be entirely honest, I feel guilty that there were times I could no longer hold it in so there was once I had a mini breakdown and a few times I just withdrew into a little sulky, irritable ball in a corner. So in some senses, I feel like I failed as the leader figure pillar I was trying to be and I'm sorry to my hotelmates for that. But all that aside!! Regardless of whether things were positive or negative, it was all an interesting experience we learned from.
Ultimately, I did have a great time and I'm so glad that I go to AX every year. It's not really about the con, but about the people and experience. Sharing a hotel room with ~10 people (we had 2 rooms and 16 people total, but the distribution every night turned out a bit uneven so my room was often jam packed haha) and making new friends and becoming a family is an incredible adventure. There's so much warmth and mirth. <3 Anywhere you go, you have friends who're like family who really care about you and readily give hugs and support. That's really how I'll always remember our hotel room family this year. ^^
I don't have that many pictures because of being busy or otherwise just hanging out with friends casually (which doesn't make for an exciting photo or vlog subject).
The result of my Puzzle & Dragons Water Courier Ruka cosplay you can find in this post here! Summary and other pics from AX2014 under the cut! :>
Unfortunately, I broke tradition and didn't vlog this year's AX trip D: but I don't regret it. This year was so busy and hectic and other times uneventful or frustrating. As a bonus, I was one of the hotel room holders so I took it upon myself to try to make sure I was on top of everything and could take responsibility for everything so at all times, I had something or another on my mind ;; AND there was cosplay... If I had decided to vlog, I would've been too overwhelmed and it would've been forced, holding out a camera and talking to it. I can't say that the entire trip was a pleasant time. To be entirely honest, I feel guilty that there were times I could no longer hold it in so there was once I had a mini breakdown and a few times I just withdrew into a little sulky, irritable ball in a corner. So in some senses, I feel like I failed as the leader figure pillar I was trying to be and I'm sorry to my hotelmates for that. But all that aside!! Regardless of whether things were positive or negative, it was all an interesting experience we learned from.
Ultimately, I did have a great time and I'm so glad that I go to AX every year. It's not really about the con, but about the people and experience. Sharing a hotel room with ~10 people (we had 2 rooms and 16 people total, but the distribution every night turned out a bit uneven so my room was often jam packed haha) and making new friends and becoming a family is an incredible adventure. There's so much warmth and mirth. <3 Anywhere you go, you have friends who're like family who really care about you and readily give hugs and support. That's really how I'll always remember our hotel room family this year. ^^
I don't have that many pictures because of being busy or otherwise just hanging out with friends casually (which doesn't make for an exciting photo or vlog subject).
The result of my Puzzle & Dragons Water Courier Ruka cosplay you can find in this post here! Summary and other pics from AX2014 under the cut! :>
Water Courier Ruka Cosplay @ Anime Expo 2014
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Next time I decide on a cosplay, please remind me to imagine myself wearing the character's outfit because I clearly didn't think it through when I committed myself to Water Courier Ruka from the game Puzzle & Dragons LOL. I'm embarrassed to say the least about wearing this costume, buuuuuut...... since I worked my ass off on it, I should post the results at least here, right? (Facebook and twitter don't need to know-- Esp facebook PLEASE don't let this ever get onto there. orz)
This is actually my first time ever making a cosplay. ;_; All of the Kido stuff Yano, Myst, and Chiisana made for me because we were rushing the last weekend before AX and I didn't know how to use a sewing machine. So doing this Ruka cosplay was my first time using a sewing machine, first time using craft foam, spray paint, acrylic paint....... Sadly I couldn't get my green circle lenses in my eyes, but there's always next year! I still have tons of things to fix now that I know better. :>
I started in January, worked like a snail during the school semester, and then basically worked on this day and night once school let out haha. And in between, I'd been obsessively doing ab workouts, though to very little fruition. Anyway, this is how the cosplay turned out!
Some of us had been talking about having a Puzzle & Dragons cosplay group since AX last year, and then coincidentally they announced not too long ago that they'd be having a booth this year! So we actually received some goodies from the staff and got to take a lot of pictures in front of the booth haha.
Me as Water Courier Ruka
Myst as Princess Valkyrie
Chiisana as Tamadra
This is actually my first time ever making a cosplay. ;_; All of the Kido stuff Yano, Myst, and Chiisana made for me because we were rushing the last weekend before AX and I didn't know how to use a sewing machine. So doing this Ruka cosplay was my first time using a sewing machine, first time using craft foam, spray paint, acrylic paint....... Sadly I couldn't get my green circle lenses in my eyes, but there's always next year! I still have tons of things to fix now that I know better. :>
I started in January, worked like a snail during the school semester, and then basically worked on this day and night once school let out haha. And in between, I'd been obsessively doing ab workouts, though to very little fruition. Anyway, this is how the cosplay turned out!
Some of us had been talking about having a Puzzle & Dragons cosplay group since AX last year, and then coincidentally they announced not too long ago that they'd be having a booth this year! So we actually received some goodies from the staff and got to take a lot of pictures in front of the booth haha.
Myst as Princess Valkyrie
Chiisana as Tamadra
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