[ trigger warning: mention of suicidal ideology ]
...not to say that I'd ever shut it down, but I'm not sure what to do with my blog anymore. At a fairly often rate, I tell myself, "I should update my blog more!" but rarely anymore does anything strike me with, "I should blog about that!"
For most of my very long blogging career, I haven't really paid attention to or cared about who reads my blog or how many people follow my blog. I decided long ago that I blog for myself—to capture and chronicle me in moments in my life that I can look back upon, and as an expressive outlet—and it's a nice bonus to get to share it with anyone who might be interested in reading. But now that I don't even feel inspired to write... there rarely are moments that I wish to capture here anymore, and no longer as many thoughts that I'd like to share... it's sad. Since I don't feel motivated to blog for me, nor do I feel the need to blog for anybody else (not that I think anybody comes here anymore—and I wouldn't blame 'em), I end up not blogging. Which I think is not being true to myself.
Mmmm.....I wasn't sure if my recent thoughts should be shared, but here goes........ I'm hesitating. I'd paused and wondered if I should backspace, because being this truthful is pretty scary. The more "IRL" people find my online identity, the more I pressured I feel to hide. I wonder if I should stop talking about people and things around me—especially my job—even though they're part of my life chronicle. I don't want to show too many of my vulnerabilities that I was willing to be more transparent about back when I felt some sense of anonymity. Am I irresponsible when I reveal too much and will it make people think that perhaps I'm not the person they thought I was? It's scary. Please don't judge me for this!
